The One That Got Away
by destielshipper
Summary: AU: Castiel and Dean are each other's first love but a long distance relationship has separated them. Five years later it is now up to Dean to try and get him back but with a third party involved nothing is ever that simple.
1. Chapter 1

**No beta – all silly little mistakes are all my own. **

Dean Winchester remembered the first time he saw Castiel Milton dressed in brown shorts barely covering his knees, a long blue t-shirt covering his slim physique, a shag of dark brown hair covering his head and the brightest blue eyes he ever had seen. They reminded Dean of the ocean when the sunlight sparkled on it, Dean liked them a lot.

Dean had moved to Sonoma, California with kid brother, Sam Winchester, and surrogate father, Bobby Singer from Lawrence, Kansas. With both parents dead and buried, Dean only had the two of him in his life. Whilst eleven years old, Sam, lingered in the 5th grade, Dean was thrust into Sonoma Valley High School in freshman year surrounded by strangers and no one to turn to for help.

Dean looked down at his own black shorts and white t-shirt feeling like a fool, the amulet that Sam had given him one Christmas hung loosely around his neck and he fidgeted touching the gold head nervously. His eyes lingered on the strange boy in the distance flicking through a superhero magazine and his feet moved towards him.

"Hi" Dean murmured softly startling him that much he jerked back dropping the magazine on the floor.

"I'm Dean" he said holding out his hand.

"What?" he whispered looking at his hand and backing away like he was holding out a poisonous snake to him.

"My name…I'm Dean"

"Oh" he breathed scooping down to collect the magazine and took his hand gingerly. "My name is Castiel"

"Castel"

"No, Castiel" he said with a small humoured smile.

"Can I just call you Cas instead? Your name is weird and hard" he murmured shifting his feet and hands.

"Okay" Castiel breathed looking over to him and looking around. "I've never really had a nickname before"

"Why not?" Dean said with a frown. Castiel swallowed with a shrug and dropped down on the ground looking over the comic book. Dean sniffed and glanced over his shoulders seeing students walk around in the morning sun waiting for the first bell.

"I'm new here" Dean said dropping down next to him. "I was hoping you could help me out"

"Me?" Castiel squeaked astonished.

"Yeah" Dean replied with a shrug.

Castiel breathed out panicked and averted his eyes away from him. "But…there are so many more people who are better than me. There is Jo, Pamela, Brady, Chuck" he said pointing them out on the yard. "I'm not sure I can be all that useful. You'll find out, I'm just the freak with the weird angel name, the nerd who likes to paint, goes to art galleries and reading comic books and watching sci-fi films"

"You and my brother are going to get on amazingly well" Dean said with a bemused shake of his head. "I saw you first, Cas, and I think we could both do with a friend right now"

Castiel's lips formed into a smile and he nodded eagerly. "Okay"

Dean grinned and jumped when the first bell went launching off their first day together. It was also were Dean learnt everything about Castiel. Castiel lived with his mother, Eve Milton, and his eldest brother, Michael, and baby sister, Anna. Michael was currently in college and Anna was six months old. Castiel and Michael's father had passed away whilst Anna's father was missing in action.

Over the first few weeks together in school, Dean saw what Castiel met about being shunned and laughed at in the school. Every time Castiel spoke up in a lesson, he was either mocked or laughed at. Dean could only grit his teeth angrily watching Castiel's shoulders slump and his mouth turn down in a grimace. It carried on till one day in physics, Dean finally cracked.

"Hey, asshat" he said to a guy mocking Castiel called, Az Maguire. "You mock him one more time and I'll make sure to shove that pen down your fucking throat"

Castiel looked at Dean in shocked awe and glanced over to Az who raised an eyebrow.

"Oh really? Is the new boy making a stand for the freak?" he said looking over to Castiel who narrowed his eyes at him.

"Yeah I am because he may have a strange name and be a whole lot more smarter than you, you lowlife dick, but at least he aint a bully, a smartass bastard picking on people he knows can rip him apart with a few words" Dean hissed into his face. "So…if I hear you or any of your other lowlife friends mock him, touch him, or even look at him, I'll make sure you regret ever laying eyes on him".

Az swallowed hard looking away from him and staring in front of the classroom. Castiel gaped at him when Dean turned to look at him and winked with a smug smile. Castiel felt a warm glow in his heart and stared at the side of his face when he jotted down notes in his booklet. It was surprising for him but he welcomed it eagerly.

Dean stopped the teasing and it made sure to strength their friendship even more.

It was a great moment for Dean when Castiel invited him over to his house to meet his family and he met, Eve Milton. Eve stepped towards him with a beaming smile and kissed his cheek in welcome; Dean looked over her in shock and complete awe. Eve was beautiful with soft brown hair, light blue eyes to match, and a smile that shown every kindness. Anna was six months old sat in her chair waving a teething ring and smiling when Castiel scooped her up.

Dean looked over them all and saw a tight knit family. "Where's your brother?"

"Michael is studying" Eve replied wiping down the side. "Also ignore the smell of paint, Castiel is adventurous"

"Mom" he murmured with a blush.

"You paint?"

"Yes" he said indicating his head and passing Anna over to Eve who cooed kissing her daughters cheek. Castiel led Dean upstairs and he looked over the photos of Castiel on the walls and smiled softly amused. He was led past a room playing soft music and upstairs to the attic.

Dean whistled low and spun in a circle seeing a double bed in the corner of the room covered in a dark blue quit, a skylight lay on top of roof underneath it and on the surrounding walls were paintings.

"You're seriously good, Cas"

"Hours and hours of free time" he murmured with a small smile. Dean trailed his fingers down the painting of a tree in such great detail, colour, and precision it scared him slightly.

Castiel flushed hard when he turned wide and open eyes to him showing him his open admiration for him.

"Keep this up and my best friend is going to be a millionaire"

"What?" he breathed.

"You're going to be a millionaire"

"No, the best friend part" he whispered in shock.

Dean cleared his throat nervously. "I've known you for six months, dude, of course you're my best friend"

Castiel chuckled nervously and nodded with a beaming smile. "I feel the same way"

Throughout the years together they stuck together like two peas in a pod. They were a duo and if they named Dean in high school they also named Castiel along with him. It was junior year when girls hit the scene for Dean and he took a profound interest in them whilst Castiel struggled with his own feelings. Dean was Castiel's first and only friend but the love he felt for him was different, it was deeper and more intense. Castiel found himself daydreaming when Dean spoke to him or hugged him briefly and longed for more. He longed for Dean to kiss him like the numerous girls and provided his worries and his longing with the one person who tried to understand, Sam.

When Dean was otherwise occupied Castiel would spend his time with Sam. Even at thirteen, Sam was a good listener and listened to Castiel.

"You're both sixteen, you're both kind of adults…well you are" Sam said spinning around on his chair. "Just tell him how you feel, I've told you this a million times"

"I can't"

"I have also heard that a million times!" Sam said rolling his eyes and kicking him lightly in the shin. "My brother as dumb as he is adores you to the moon and back, Cas, he loves you but he doesn't see it because every girl is throwing themselves at him. If you tell him how you really feel then he might give you what you really want"

"I might lose him; I don't want to lose him"

"You won't"

Castiel nodded and looked down when his cell phone rang and he answered it.

"Hey, where are you?"

"With Sam"

"Again?" Dean said in an irritated tone. "Come see me"

"I like spending time with your brother and Bobby, Dean, it's like my second family" Castiel said walking out of Sam's room and heading down the stairs.

"I'm in the park"

"Alone?"

"Yes" Dean said sounding bored. "Bring food"

The phone cut off and Castiel sighed heading towards the kitchen to see Bobby scanning through the channels.

"Dean demanded food" Castiel said opening the cupboard.

"Potato chips in the second cupboard" he said with a roll of his eyes. Castiel smirked grabbing them and heading out towards the park where Dean was swinging gently.

"There's my angel" Dean said in greeting when he walked in and tossed him the bag.

"Hilarious" Castiel replied dryly dropping down in the swing next to him. Dean winked opening them up and handing it over to him, Castiel shoved one into his mouth and chewed thoughtfully.

"So, did you hook up with Taylor?"

"Mmm that girl has a good tongue" he murmured with a smirk glancing over to Castiel who looked down at the floor.

"Taylor has a friend you know…"

"I do not want you setting me up"

"No you'd rather paint and hang out with little old me" Dean said kicking his feet up and leaned his forehead against the cold bars. "It's a good thing"

Castiel hummed looking over to him and staring into his eyes as they swung gently in the breeze. Dean's eyes crinkled in amusement and he looked away out of the park leaving Castiel to stare at the side of his face.

"What were you and my little brother talking about?"

"His hopes for Stanford"

"He'll get there, he's a smart kid" Dean said proudly. "Just like you will get into art school"

"Dean…" he moaned and trailed off blushing furiously.

"You have no idea how amazing you truly are and one day…one day you're going to be a star"

"Stop it, it's not for another year or two yet" he said twiddling his fingers together. Dean gave a frown looking back over to him feeling an uncomfortable twist to his gut at losing him for school but Dean was so proud of him that if he had to leave he would let him go.

It was two months after their conversation in the park that Dean and Castiel bought beer with his fake I.D and got drunk on the hill near their houses.

"Stars!" Castiel said brushing his hand over the dark and purple sky. Dean grinned at him when he chuckled leaning his head on his shoulder hiccupping.

"You're a lousy drunk, Casanova"

"So are you, Dean-o"

"I thought I told you to not call me that" Dean murmured poking his sides till peals of laughter escaped Castiel's lips and he fell down into his lap. Dean looked down at him as he settled his head into his lap and closed his eyes. His hand moved resting into his hair and he gently stroked his fingers into it before giving up and lying back down onto the grass.

"Dean?"

"Yeah?"

"I'm kinda drunk right now" Castiel murmured sitting up and looking down at him.

"I figured" Dean murmured tucking his hands behind his head.

"So I don't care" Castiel said with a shrug moving over and straddling his waist. Dean gasped opening his eyes looking up to his wide open glazed blue eyes looking down at him lust lidded and his hair disarrayed with pieces of grass.

"What are you doing?" Dean murmured when he moved down looking over his features. Dean stared at him curiously when he trailed his fingers over his forehead, cheekbones, mouth, lips, nose, and smiled moving back to look over him properly.

"You're beautiful"

"You're hammered" Dean said chuckling and grabbed his wrist lifting up so they were inches apart from each other. Castiel sucked in a sharp breath looking down at the plump bottom lip glistening wet from saliva and beer and letting out a small whimper. Dean narrowed his eyes thoughtfully and cocked his head at him when he moved forward pressing his forehead against his so they were staring into each other's eyes.

"Cas…"

"Dean…"

Dean didn't know why or how but he could feel his eyes closing in anticipation and inhaled when Castiel moved towards him pressing his lips against his in a soft brush. Castiel pulled back biting his lip and shaking his head quickly, Dean's eyes opened slowly to see Castiel fighting an inner panic.

"I'm sorry, I'm so sorry, Dean, I just…I wanted to for so long and I'm seriously, seriously, drunk and…" he said breathing heavily and was cut off when Dean cupped the back of his neck kissing him firmly. Castiel moaned in surprise falling with him as they rolled onto the grass and Dean pressed him into it.

Castiel moaned fisting his hands into his jacket twirling his tongue against Dean's. It was heated, passionate, and everything Castiel had longed for. They parted for breath and stared at each other flustered, their chests pressed together and a curious peak inside of Dean.

"Wow" Dean murmured tracing his finger across his bottom lip and smiling. "You didn't tell me you were a good kisser, Cas"

"I'm full of surprises" he whispered pulling him back into a languid kiss. Dean moaned brokenly when Castiel kicked his leg in between his thighs resting his knee against his dick.

"Oh baby, that was a smooth move" Dean said breathless when he smirked up at him. Castiel shut is eyes feeling queasy and looked up at Dean who was watching him carefully in return.

"You've been thinking about kissing me all this time?"

"Yes, I have wanted to for a long time…but you never noticed and I only realised my feelings for you when it was too late and every girl was more fuckable than your own best friend" he said in a soft voice. Dean frowned deeply watching him stretch and sit up to face him.

"We're drunk" he whispered pecking his lips. "It's okay to regret it in the morning"

"Who said I would regret it?"

"I do" Castiel murmured wriggling underneath him to let him go when Dean growled low and shoved him down pinning his wrists either side of him. Castiel landed with a smack on the hard soil and grunted when Dean pressed his weight into him and hovered over him exhaling loudly.

"Let me tell you a little bedtime story…my best friend has just told me that he thinks about kissing me, the same best friend I have known for nearly three years now and I care about him more than he could ever imagine. Now anyone else would run a mile or end the friendship immediately but there not me and I'm not about to run or regret it"

"You're straight"

"True, I do like my share of women out there but right now…I think I like the guy I'm pinning down a lot more"

"I like this bedtime story" Castiel muttered when Dean moved down to kiss him and Dean felt desire pool in his groin so unexpected that it scared him to death. Castiel smiled moving his now freed hands up to cup the sides of his neck widening his mouth further for Dean's pleasure.

That is how it started. Three years after meeting in freshman year they finally gave in to their feelings, one hidden deep down and the other unknown to the first kiss which started off their relationship. It wasn't a shock to everyone when they announced their relationship publically two weeks after the incident on the hill. It was a slow steady step over the borderline of friendship to relationship.

**~0~0~0~**

Senior year was the best year for both of them. They were seventeen, they were young, they were in a year long relationship that was heading towards many possibilities but most of all they were one hundred per cent happy.

Dean banged on the front door and smiled when Eve opened the door holding a four year old Anna's hand.

"Hey, sweetheart, he's upstairs"

"Painting?"

"As usual" she said with a smile and walked back into the living room to play tea parties. Dean bounded up the stairs and headed towards the attic hearing soft piano music playing out of it and grinned shaking his head. He pushed open the door slowly to see Castiel in his painting smock and pants, his head wild and his face streaked with paint.

"Picasso" Dean said wrapping his arms around his waist.

"Hello, Dean" Castiel murmured with a smile when he leaned his chin on his shoulder.

"What the hell is that?" he said looking at the mix of colours, red, yellow, orange, all scrambled together.

"This is us" he said proudly.

"Oh" Dean breathed with a raised eyebrow. "Am I that orange blob there?"

"No" Castiel said rolling his eyes. "This is us, our energies, our relationship…it's fiery, it's passionate, and it's out of control"

Dean hummed pressing his lips against his neck feeling his stubble scratch against his and pushed his hands up to his stomach feeling it's warmth and the delicate hair there.

"Is Michael below?"

"No, he's not in town…he's gone to visit our other family in Wisconsin"

"Good" he whispered spinning him around. Castiel smiled when he claimed his lips and grabbed his brush shoving it aside.

"I see you have missed me"

"Of course, I know we have all our exams and you're working your ass of for this exam…for your course in that art school…but I'm always here, baby" he murmured kissing his neck.

"That's why I love you"

"Show me" Dean murmured shoving him towards the double bed. Castiel grinned shredding his clothing and watching Dean strip off and push him onto the spread.

"Spread your legs, baby" Dean hissed watching him spread his legs wider for him and moaning low looking over him. His hands travelled down the length of his chest as he admired the smooth panes of his abs. Castiel gasped when he tweaked a nipple and Dean bit his lip.

"Why do you grow to be more and more gorgeous?"

"Compliments will get you very far these days" Castiel murmured looking over Dean who moved his head down kissing over his belly button. He chuckled staring down at him and letting out a gasp when Dean's cold hands rested on his thighs.

Dean swiped his tongue over the top of his head feeling Castiel moan moving his hands down to grip the top of his hair. Dean swallowed him down feeling Castiel cry out and wriggle underneath him so much that Dean had to take his mouth off him.

"Dean!"

"Stop moving around" he ordered with warning in his eyes.

Castiel narrowed his eyes at him lying back and settling into the mattress and closing his eyes when Dean sucked him down till his lips were touching the wiry hairs of his dick. Castiel cried out when his other hand massaged his balls and stared up at the blue sky overhead feeling exposed and vulnerable. It was a huge turn on that caused Castiel to grip his hands into his hair and come loudly down Dean's throat.

Dean hummed sucking him till he was sensitive and moaning softly.

"You're amazing" Dean murmured moving up to him.

"No, I am simply ordinary but you" he replied and moved closer wrapping his legs around his waist. "You're everything"

"Oh you are such a smooth talker" Dean teased nuzzling his neck.

Castiel smiled softly at him and reclaimed his lips as they kissed lazily.

"Dean?"

Dean hummed kissing down his chest lazily and looking up at him. "Yeah?"

"We need to talk"

Dean narrowed his eyes sitting up and nodding at him confused. Castiel shifted so he was sitting cross legged on the bed and wrapped the blanket around them both. Dean felt all of the sudden nervous and sick when Castiel reached for his hands.

"I got a letter this morning from the art institute of charlotte in North Carolina and they said yes" he said with beaming smile. "If I get my results I have a place in the school I have wanted to go for so long"

Dean sucked in a sharp breath and forced a tight fake smile. "North Carolina"

"I know, I know it's so far away"

"Yeah…it's one hell of a journey"

"Dean, this is everything I have ever wanted" he murmured moving towards him and cupping his cheeks. "I love you more than anything in this world but this is my career and you always said…"

"Baby, I know, okay? I know how much you have always wanted this and I'm not about to start begging you to stay…I'll leave that to when I drop you off at the airport" he said with a small laugh when Castiel shook his head amused.

Dean fidgeted staring down at their locked hands and shrugged his shoulders.

"Long distance relationships can work…we can have amazing phone sex" he said with a sad smile that didn't reach his eyes. Castiel swallowed hard moving towards him and climbing into his lap.

"I love you"

"I like you too" Dean murmured kissing him and stroking a hand down the side of his cheek. Dean held him close inhaling his smell when Castiel wrapped his arms around him. He knew the process of saying goodbye would be painful and letting him go would be unbelievable but it had to be done.

Their exams took place over the next few weeks and Castiel passed art with flying colours and his departure date was looming closer and closer. On the final night before his departure, a leaving party was given for him. It was close family, Eve, Michael, Anna, Sam, and Bobby who came over for drinks and goodbyes. Dean sat in the chair watching him mingle and ignored the soft pity looks from Sam.

"Dean" Sam whispered touching his knee.

"It's fine" he whispered back brushing his hand away. "This day has been coming for weeks"

Sam sighed moving away and settling back into the chair. Dean looked up at Castiel who walked over and dropped down on his lap wrapping his arms around his neck.

"How are you feeling?"

"Nervous but excited" he whispered resting his forehead against his. "Mom won't stop fussing or crying"

"She's your mom"

"I know but…I feel guilty for leaving her and with Michael leaving soon I just…" he said and trailed off. Dean frowned looking around and back up to Castiel.

"They'll be fine, don't worry" he said rubbing a hand up and down his back. Castiel shivered longing to return upstairs with Dean and has his last night for a long time. The night ended swiftly when Bobby got drunk and Eve carried him home. Castiel took Dean's hand who followed him upstairs to the attic and they kissed slowly at the door before moving inside and shutting it. Dean undressed him quickly, Castiel doing the same as they walked towards the bed together and fell down onto the covers.

The midnight sky was clear apart from the stars and moon which reflected its light onto the bed. Dean looked at him in the moonlight and sucked in a sharp breath.

"I'm going to miss you" Dean murmured softly. Castiel bit his lip and gripped him tight spinning him around so Castiel was on top. Dean let him take over and take his place instead letting Castiel grab the lube skipping foreplay and slicking his fingers up and sliding them into the hole. Dean hissed and moaned at the pain and pleasure of being stretched wide open slowly and scissored wide enough so Dean was ready. Castiel moaned at the tight heat inside of Dean and slipped a third finger inside of him.

"Cas, please" he begged arching his spine off the bed and rolling his hips towards him. Castiel smiled removing his fingers and moving up lifting his hips and sheathing his dick deep inside him. Dean gasped and panted when he filled him till he was balls deep. Castiel bent down capturing Dean's lips and fucking him slowly and carefully.

Dean's legs wrapped around his slim waist moving with him when he thrusted his hips deeper inside him. Castiel bit his lip staring down at him and feeling tears coat his eyes at the thought of not seeing him for weeks on end. Dean's hands came up brushing under his eyes and shushing him softly.

"It's okay, I got you" he murmured stroking a hand down his chest. Castiel nodded kissing him hard and demanding till they were rutting up against each other and he was clutching Dean tight coming deep inside of him. The sex continued late on into the night till they were exhausted and fucked out. It was 3am when Dean tucked Castiel under his chin holding him tight and knowing it was the last for a long time.

The next morning was the day that everything changed but they just didn't know it. Dean, Eve and Anna dropped Castiel off at the airport with all bags packed and everything prepared. His goodbyes to his mother and sister were hard and tearful but that was nothing as Dean clutched him close in a last hug goodbye. Castiel felt tears prickle in his eyes and he pulled back shaking his head.

"How can I leave…?"

"Because you have to go and be amazing" Dean whispered cupping his face and kissing underneath his eyelids. Castiel sobbed shaking his head and kissing him gently, Dean sniffed kissing him back and pulling away.

"Come on, baby, we can call each other, email each other, and there is the holidays" he whispered. "Here"

Dean took off the amulet still around his neck and handed it over to Castiel who gasped alarmed.

"Dean, you love this more than anything…"

"Yeah I do but I love you more" he murmured placing it around his neck. Castiel turned back to look at the terminal and nodded taking off the bracelet he had since he was a little boy and hand it over.

"Now, you love this more than anything, Cas. I can't" he said pushing his hand away.

"Yes but it just means we have to stay in contact" he teased sliding it over his wrist. Dean watched him collect his bag on the floor and move towards him giving him one last lingering kiss.

"I love you"

"I love you too" Dean whispered watching him flutter his fingers at Eve and Anna before leaving with tear filled eyes. Dean fidgeted feeling the burn of his own tears and breathed out shakily feeling his own heart taking a beating.

The moment he was left was the moment everything started to change. Long distance relationships never really work and the distance was painfully far away from each other. It was six years ago till now that Castiel left and five years ago since they drifted apart from each other in more ways than one. But the course of true love never did run smooth and with one half still in California and the other now living in Colorado, it was just a matter of time before fate intervened.

**A/N: This is huge! Big ass chapter with much more to come and a lot more detail to be added if any of it is lacking. Do me a big favour and review? It would be amazing and helpful because it's you lot who keep me writing. **

**Title is taken from inspiration from that Katy Perry song. **


	2. Chapter 2

It was Dean who desperately tried to keep in contact and it was successful. Dean text him, emailed him, and called him nearly every day and Castiel always responded. Dean missed him desperately and found himself waking up every day longing to touch him, talk to him, or even see him.

It was nearly two months after he left when Dean settled into bed that night and called his number. Castiel stirred from the under the covers sleepy and exhausted from a hard day's work and grabbed his phone irritated.

"What?" he snapped down the phone.

"Oh shit, did I wake you?"

"Dean…no, it's okay" he murmured looking at the time and sighing when he realised they were in different time zones now.

"I can call back later, Cas"

"No, it's okay"

Dean heard the rustling of covers being shifted and a small moan that made Dean's dick twitch in interest. It had been too long. Castiel sat up flicking on the light and staring across at the dark window of his small dorm room.

"We haven't spoken in nearly three days, Cas"

"I've been busy, Dean, this art course isn't easy as peach" he said softly. "But I know and I miss you so much"

"That's what I want to hear" Dean replied shutting his eyes. "God, I miss you"

"I know"

"Come home and see me, baby"

Castiel smiled lying back down on the pillow and settling into the lumpy mattress. "How much do you miss me?"

"It's been two months nearly, I'm more than sore" he murmured stroking a hand down his chest slowly.

"I know the feeling but I just imagine it's your hand or your mouth on my dick sucking me till I'm screaming" he murmured down the phone. Dean groaned shutting his eyes and hearing Castiel chuckle gently down the phone.

"I want you here right now, I need to touch you…feel your skin, taste that mouth of yours…it's too good to be true"

"Dean, stop it" he moaned feeling his own dick harden in anticipation.

"How hard are you right now, baby?"

"Very, I want to fuck you" he whispered wrapping a hand around the length and stroking a thumb over the slit. Dean looked down at his own dick feeling the heavy weight in his hand and stroking his hand up and down slowly.

"I want to feel you inside me, Cas, I need you buried inside me making those needy little sounds you make"

"What sounds?" he said with a moan throwing his head back.

"That sound, you're completely horny" Dean whispered. "Tell me you want me"

"I want you, Dean, god" he panted flexing his hand and stroking his hand down his dick feeling the need to come building up and spread his legs wide.

"If you were here I would fuck you so hard into that mattress, I want to feel you lose yourself when I come deep inside your hole…my come coating your insides till you're screaming for more, begging me to fuck you harder"

"Dean!" he cried down the phone panting hard as he jerked off harder. Dean listened to his sharp rasps and moans feeling his own climax and groaned when he came onto his hands and bed covers. Castiel heard Dean's climax and followed shortly after arching off the bed and crying out when he spurted across his hand and chest. He panted down the phone and closed his eyes slumping back down on the mattress.

"It's not as good as the real thing but…" Dean said trailing off wiping down his hand on the sheet and listening to Castiel hum in agreement.

"Only you can bring me to an orgasm on the phone" Castiel murmured in a hoarse voice. "Well done"

"I take pride in making my boyfriend fall apart over the phone"

"Can I sleep now you've molested me?" Castiel murmured softly.

"Yeah" he replied settling down. "Love you"

"Love you too" Castiel said and hung up shutting his eyes.

Dean chuckled pulling his phone away from his ear and dropped it down on the side falling into an exhausted and happy sleep.

But it wasn't all happiness and bliss for them both and Dean would find himself waiting for days on end for texts back, calls back, and any news on him at all. It came to Dean's attention that Castiel had a little group of friends. He had met and bonded with a group, Uriel Barnes, Zach Grace, Madison Jones, and Adam Milligan. The jealously was unbelievable and every single time he mentioned them, Dean would grit his teeth and nod along. Dean expected and wanted him to find friends but the feeling of being replaced played heavily on his mind.

Four months after Castiel left to go to North Carolina he was granted one week to return home and Dean was ecstatic. His flight was due in early in the morning of that Monday and since Dean was training to be a mechanic from Bobby he was granted a week off.

Dean waited in the terminal after electing himself to collect him from the airport, he watched and waited impatiently and looked up when his flight came in. Castiel walked out of the doors and headed towards his bag when he caught sight of him and smiled amazed. It was like a scene from a soppy love film when Castiel ran towards Dean who caught him in his arms kissing him fiercely.

"You're here!" Castiel murmured staring up at him when they parted. "I've missed you so much"

"Right back at you" Dean said gripping his chin and kissing him passionately. Castiel clung to him when they kissed publically and openly ignoring people's gapes and stares directed at them.

"Oh god, I need to take you home right now and keep you in four walls for a very long night" Dean growled skimming his hands down his back clutching him to his chest. Castiel grinned cockily and slid his hands behind his neck staring into the green-brown of his eyes and tucking his face into his neck inhaling the musky oil, spicy, and sweet smell that was all Dean.

"Let me see my family and I'm all yours for the whole night" he whispered and chuckled when Dean growled low stroking his hands into his hair and fisting it gently.

"Deal, baby" he murmured grabbing his hand and tugging him towards the bags to collect his suitcase and head back to Eve's house.

Eve screamed in delight when she opened the door and hugged him tight.

"Oh my beautiful baby boy" she cooed rocking him. "Is this stubble"

"Mom" he whined struggling against her amused. "Yes it is, I have no time to shave when I'm painting nonstop, researching people I do not know about, whilst eating healthily and socialising"

Eve grinned at him happily and kissed his cheek. "Anna!"

Anna ran in beaming and ran towards him arms open wide, Castiel dropped down hugging her tight. Dean leaned back against the door watching the small family reconcile and felt a tender pull at Castiel's words.

"I got every single one of your texts and even your letters" she said stroking a hand down his cheek. Dean frowned at that and felt a blow, he never received any letters.

Castiel smiled at his mother and stepped back looking down at Anna who sucked her thumb and ran off back into the living room.

"We'll be upstairs"

"Keep the noise down" she said pointing a warning finger at the both of them before the descended upwards. Dean stared at the length of Castiel's back and pushed him forward feeling a hunger so wild that it made him crazy. Castiel smiled when he shoved him into the attic and pushed him on the bed.

"Fuck, you have never looked so sexy" Dean growled pulling his t-shirt off and devouring his mouth. Castiel moaned clinging to his shoulders and moaned when Dean undid his belt and pulled down his jeans. They were both semi naked and Dean moved his lips down kissing down his chest and holding him down while he moaned into his palm.

"Dean" he whispered breathless when Dean looked up at him with eyes blown wide with lust and slipped his hands into his boxers sliding them down and throwing them over his shoulder. Castiel groaned low writhing on the covers desperate for more friction and brought him down eagerly.

"Fuck me harder than you have ever fucked me in your life" he hissed. Dean stared at him open mouthed and nodded shoving him upwards towards the headboard and pinning him against it.

"Then you better spread your fucking legs" he hissed into his ear. Castiel smirked opening them and rolled his eyes back when Dean's lubed fingers entered him roughly fingering and scissoring him open. Dean breathed heavily watching Castiel's chest explode red and his breathing grow erratic.

Dean grew impatient and his cock ached to be inside of him. Castiel eagerly accepted him with a loud moan that Dean covered with his mouth and thrusted deep inside him. It was fast paced and frantic as the moved against each other kissing passionately and filled with need to be close and get rid of months of sexual frustration. Dean clutched at Castiel's hand arching his back when he climaxed quickly followed by Castiel who coated his stomach with pearlescent come.

Dean dropped down next to Castiel breathing hard and chuckled stroking a hand down his sweaty chest. Castiel met his eyes and smiled when he leaned into kiss him softly.

"I've missed you"

"I know"

Dean smiled back at him dropping his head onto the pillow and resting there listening to the heartbeat in his ears and the breathing of both of them. He opened his eyes looking over to Castiel who stared up at his skylight in thought.

"So are you going to tell me everything?"

"It's amazing; Dean, the college, the people, the tutors, and I've learned so much. I'm better than I originally was and Joshua, my tutor says I have so much potential"

"Good, I knew you'd do brilliant…I just wish I could talk to you more"

"Dean, we're busy, we're both in the middle of courses and jobs…of course we're going to be a little bit distant" he whispered resting his head next to his and smiled when he noticed the bracelet on his wrist. "You wear it?"

"Of course, where's my amulet?"

"Back at college, I don't want to lose it"

"Good" Dean said with a soft smile. Castiel matched it and trailed his fingers down his cheek gently.

"You have me for a whole week, Dean, what are we going to do?"

"Well…endless sex" Dean said with a raised eyebrow. Castiel snorted and nodded quickly in agreement. "I think we could go down to the beach, it's meant to be nice all day and I haven't been in ages"

"Okay" Castiel said with a nod and eyed him slowly. "I think we should be a lot closer than this though round about now"

Dean hummed interested and moved closer sliding into the wet hole watching Castiel close his eyes in pleasure and open them quickly. Dean stared into the bright blue eyes showing him open love, pleasure, and something hidden deep down. It caused an itch of nerves deep inside of Dean but he ignored it when Castiel sucked a wet path down his neck.

It would be the last and best week they would spend together and Dean loved every second. They ended up spending their second day on the beach together sunbathing, walking towards the water together and messing around like five year old children kicking sand, pushing each other over and giggling all the way. At the end of it, they ended it sitting on a sand dune watching the setting sun.

Castiel stared at the setting sun a warm glow in the orange and blue sky and felt an overwhelming sense of "home". Dean sat next to him and turned to look at him when he did the same, Castiel moved closer when Dean moved over cupping his chin and kissing him softly.

"Days like this make me realise how much I really miss you" Dean said thoughtfully pulling back. "I'm so happy you are in art school but at the same time I wish you were here with me, I mean apart from Sam and Bobby...I don't have anyone"

"Your other friends, Dean"

"Ash…Brady? They have their own lives and there is me stuck waiting for you" Dean said with a snort. "It's sad but you're not just my boyfriend, Cas, you're my best friend and we did everything together"

Castiel swallowed hard looking away from him towards the waves of the sea and shook his head with closed eyes.

"I do not want you to put your whole life on hold for me, Dean, you need to live, go out, meet new people"

"Oh don't put that shit on me, Cas" Dean replied with a scowl. "I have enough of that from Bobby; I'm fine how I am"

Castiel grimaced and looked down at his hands knowing it was wrong for Dean to place his whole life on hold for him. Dean took his hand and twined them together with a small smirk.

"Fancy a dip?"

"In our clothes?"

"Nope, let's go skinny dipping" he whispered with a wink pulling him up. Castiel let out a puff of laughter and nodded quickly. They stripped off their clothing before running down the sand towards the sea. Castiel gasped when the cold spray hit him and he shivered when his middle was covered in cold sea water, Dean laughed openly and loudly so it echoed around and he held out his hand for Castiel to take. Castiel moved over and landed in his wet arms, Dean looked over his face and pressed his lips against his in a tender kiss.

"I feel like I'm in a romantic film with you sometimes" Dean murmured against his lips. "Should I propose?"

"No" Castiel whispered with an amused smile burying his face into his neck gripping tight on his hands when the waves knocked into them.

Soon after that they spent the rest of their days seeing Sam, Bobby, Eve, and Anna. It was nice, comforting, and Dean was at the happiest he had ever been. Castiel loved it as much as Dean but had an edge inside him to return back home.

On the last day together they were walking in town when Dean spotted a photo booth.

"Come on" he said pulling on his hand and dragging him into the small white photo booth.

"Dean, is this really necessary?" Castiel said watching him slot the money inside and glaring back at him.

"Yes! It's a memory, Cas" he said with a small playful smile. "Say cheese"

Castiel smiled pulling him into a hard kiss when the camera went off. The camera went off five times resulting in the first photo being the two of them kissing, the second pulling faces at each other, the third laughing, the fourth was them falling off the seat, and the fifth a blank photo.

"Awesome" Dean said looking over them and handing them to Castiel. "Yours"

"Don't you want them?"

"No, this is your weekend"

"Our weekend"

"I want you to have them"

Castiel pocketed them in his jacket and nodded at him pleased.

The next morning was the end of the week and Castiel's departure back home. Dean held back his tears and pain when he said his second goodbye to Castiel who clung to him.

"Call me, okay?"

"I promise, Dean"

"I love you"

"I love you too" Castiel whispered blowing him a kiss as he headed down the corridor leaving Dean behind hands deep in his pockets and tears sparkling in his eyes. He looked back to Sam who was waiting for him and he headed over to see Sam smile sadly at him.

"Just think of the next time you see him at the summer holidays" Sam said nudging him.

Dean wouldn't get that chance. The breakdown of their relationship started soon after Castiel didn't call him to say he landed. Dean called him over and over again but received no answer and soon when he called he got voicemail. It broke Dean's heart over and over again when he heard his voice telling the person to leave a message. His emails were unanswered and even Eve had no idea what was going on and told him she had received emails and letters from Castiel.

It was entering three weeks when he called frustrated and it rang. The phone connected and he gasped in relief.

"Cas?"

"Cas can't come to the phone right now, he's currently passed out" a deep voice said laced in humour.

"What?"

"Yeah, Cas is drunk and currently draped over some poor man but he doesn't seem to mind"

Dean's stomach dropped and he felt bile rise in his throat.

"Who is this?"

"Adam, who is this"

"Dean, wake him up and put him on the phone now" Dean hissed down the phone.

"Oh sorry man, I can't" Adam said with a shrug. "He's totally gone and…Dean, right? He's mentioned you before several times…I shall tell him when he wakes up that you called"

"Put him on now!"

"Hey! No need for shouting, he's passed out and he isn't waking up" Adam yelled. "So annoying, I'm going now"

Dean went to speak when the phone went dead and he stared at the screen for a long moment before throwing it at the wall angrily. He breathed hard staring at the green wallpaper feeling sick and shaky, it was like his worst nightmare coming true and he curled up on the bed. Dean's eyes shut and he pictured images of Castiel kissing another man and sat up rushing to the toilet. Dean heaved and gagged into it but came up with nothing and simply slumped on the bathroom floor ignoring Sam's hammering on the door. His vision blurred and he buried his head into his arms wondering if this was it, was this the breakdown?

It was a week after the phone call and Dean hadn't bothered calling back and Castiel hadn't contacted him. Dean was depressed. Sam looked over him one morning as he poked at his breakfast and looked up when the mail arrived, he ran to get it and stared down at the letter for Dean.

"Dean, it's from Cas" Sam said running in and thrusting it at him. Dean grabbed it eagerly and rushed out of the kitchen avoiding Bobby's curious stare. Dean locked himself in his bedroom and sat down staring at the bulky letter before pulling it and beginning to read.

**~0~0~0~**

**Dean, I know this is a little insane but leaving a text message, a phone call, or even a voicemail isn't enough. I have been the world's worst boyfriend, Dean, and I am so sorry. There are no words to explain how sorry I am but you have to know I am doing this for you and for us. **

**You're my best friend and my boyfriend, Dean, and I love you so much but this isn't enough for you or me. We're so far away from each other and what you told me on that beach has got me thinking about everything. You putting your whole life on hold for me isn't healthy and you know this, Dean. We're hundreds and hundreds of miles away and I miss you terribly, and I know you miss me too. How can I ask you to wait years for me? We never see each other and the phone calls are so limited now that I barely know what to say to you. How crazy is that?**

**I am not doing this because I don't love you but we're drifting, Dean, and I know this is my fault but I am setting you free. I am doing what I think is best for both of us. **

**We're both so young and we deserve to live our lives to the full. I sound selfish and I know you are going to be furious with me but just think about it carefully, Dean, you know I'm right. **

**I just think we need time apart. **

**I don't know to end this but just know I am not doing this because I don't love you anymore or I have met someone else. **

**Love, Cas. **

**~0~0~0~**

Dean stared down at the letter with shaking hands and fumbled with his phone dialling his number. It rang a couple of beats before connecting and a timid hello sounded in his ear.

"You fucking son of a bitch!"

"You got my letter"

"Oh yeah, I got your fucking letter! What the hell!" Dean shouted throwing it away. "Do we hell need time apart? You are the one who has been ignoring _me, _you are the one who is ending this because of stupid ideas and thoughts, you dick!"

"Dean, please…"

"No! You are going to listen to me because you're making the stupidest mistake of your life right here"

"I'm not"

"You are!"

"I'm not, Dean, I'm making the right decision"

"Oh really? So us breaking up because you think I'm putting my whole life on hold waiting for you is a really good idea?"

"Because I can't do it anymore, Dean, I can't put my own life on hold to answer your calls!" he shouted down the phone. "You won't leave me alone for five minutes!"

"I am so, so, sorry for taking an interest in my _boyfriend's _life! I want to know what's happening, Cas, but apparently you don't care about me enough because all you want to do is drink and drape yourself over men"

"That was nothing, I fell asleep on Zack"

"Sure" Dean hissed down the phone. "So you're not cheating on me?"

"No! I would never do that!" Castiel said astonished.

"How would I know?" Dean shouted down the phone.

"I would never cheat on you" Castiel whispered in a broken tone. "I am doing this for us; I am doing this because I am holding you back!"

"You're not, you stupid son of a bitch!" Dean yelled down the phone. "You're everything to me"

"That's the point"

Dean halted and stopped breathing out hard and fast. "You're full of shit; you are so full of shit. You're doing this because like you said…don't want to be answering my calls all night long, don't want to see _me, _don't want to spend time with _me, _and you're ending it because you're chicken shit"

"Read my letter, Dean, all over again and try to see it from my view"

Dean blinked feeling tears form in his eyes and shook his head changing his tactic. "Please don't do this"

"I'm sorry"

"I love you, you know I love you, Cas, how can you just…you fell for me first" Dean begged down the phone. He felt like a huge girl but he didn't care as he heard Castiel's hitched breathing.

"I'm not doing this because I want to; I am doing this because I have too"

"So what we just never see or speak to each other ever again?"

"I don't know" Castiel whispered pained. "We just need time"

"You're a freaking child, Cas, giving up when the going gets tough! You are a little baby" Dean hissed angrily down the phone. "Time? You can go to fucking hell, you dick!"

Castiel sobbed down the phone tearing at Dean's heart.

"I'll give you your fucking time" Dean said coldly and hung up throwing the phone hard at the wall watching it shatter on the ground. His knees gave out and he dropped to the ground crumbling in despair. His heart was broken and he sobbed dryly into his hands before the real tears fell down his cheeks and he kicked out leaning against the wall.

Using the spare key, Sam opened the door to see Dean and dropped down touching his arm. Dean thrust the letter into his hands watching out of the corner of his eye at the horror in Sam's eyes.

"There has to be a reason for this! This can be fixed"

"It can't…not after what I just said" he said nodding at his phone. "It's over…we're over"

Sam stared at him with wide eyes watching Dean crumble and bury his head into his hands feeling his very first heartbreak. Sam moved over wrapping his arms around him and held him when he trembled and cried harder than he ever had in his life.

In North Carolina, Castiel curled into a small ball contemplating what he had just done and knew it was the best idea. They were young, futile, and he had to think of himself and his career alongside Dean. An empty hollowness erupted in his chest and he sobbed into his pillow deep down in his subconscious knowing this would all backfire one day but for now it was his decision.

**~0~0~0~**

**5 years later, present day. **

Dean stared out of the window to the yard watching Sam throw the stick for their dog, Bones, and frowned when he felt a gentle pressure at his back. He looked over his shoulder to see surrogate step mother, Ellen, poke him in the back with a wooden spoon.

"You looked lost there"

"Just thinking" he murmured with a shrug.

"Well, look lost helping with dinner" she said indicating to the table. Dean smirked moving over to the get the knives and forks. Dean was now twenty three years old, Sam was twenty years old and Bobby was now married to Ellen who lived there with them with her own daughter, Jo.

They were a tight knit family and knew everything about each other. Sam came to the door and looked in watching Dean set the plates and zeroed in on the bracelet that had remained on Dean's wrists for five years. Sam knew better than anyone how Dean truly felt and no matter how many times he dated women, men, and denied his feelings for a certain unnameable person; Sam knew he still loved him.

He saw the level of hurt in Dean's eyes when he saw something or smelled something that reminded him of Castiel and it broke Sam to see him still like this.

But everything comes to a head and it was just a matter of time before fate intervened and took control.

**A/N: Another huge chapter! Thank you so much for the response! It's an achievement when you get 14 reviews for one chapter. Hehe! Keep them coming. **


	3. Chapter 3

Jo was sat at the kitchen tale flicking through the local newspaper without a care in the world. She could hear in the distant, Sam and Dean playing with the dog and Bobby and Ellen bickering in the study. Jo turned over the page looking over an article about an art gallery opening in California and hummed uninterested when a name caught her eye.

"Oh my god" she whispered softly. "Dean!"

Dean looked up startled to see Jo running out waving a piece of paper in her hand.

"Jo, what is it?" he said gripping her shoulders panicked when she grinned happily waving the piece of paper in his face.

"Read this" Jo said thrusting it at him. Dean gave a frown grabbing it and peering down at the writing.

"_**Castiel Milton is returning to Sonoma, California to open his very own art gallery in Sonoma Valley Museum of Art this June, it will be open on June 3rd till September 10th"**_

Dean swallowed hard looking back to Sam who stared at the both of them wide eyed.

"Holy shit, he actually made it" Sam breathed staring down at the article. "He was founded three years ago! Cas lives in Colorado now…apparently but he moves around all the time, he's got dozens of paintings out there and he's…huge, I can't believe it"

Dean dropped the toy he was holding and moved away stalking back into the house. Jo exchanged a look with Sam who sighed folding it up and handing it over to her.

"Dean" Sam called following him into the house and watching Dean ignore him and move into the kitchen stopping by the kitchen sink. Dean gritted his teeth clenching his jaw and picked up the towel drying the dishes.

"Dean, listen to me" Sam said moving forward and placing a hand on his back. Dean flinched away and shot a glare up at his brother furiously.

"Don't, Sam, just…don't" he murmured drying the plates. "I knew he'd make it big one day"

"Well he has and he's coming back here, it's in two days, Dean"

"So?"

"Dean, this is an opportunity here!" Sam said frustrated. "It's been five years, five years of watching you wallowing in self-pity"

"Piss off, Sam" Dean growled shoving him out of the way.

"You need to talk to him!"

"I need to do jack shit!" Dean shouted throwing the plate at the wall hard. Sam flinched watching the plate fall to the ground in broken pieces. They born turned when Ellen, Bobby, and Jo burst into the kitchen alarmed.

"What the hell is going on?" Bobby shouted looking between them. Jo squirmed uncomfortable and moved towards them handing over the news article. Dean stared down at the wooden floors hearing Ellen's sharp intake of breath and the disapproval radiating from Bobby.

"I don't need to go and see him…what would be the point?"

"Because you still love him" Jo piped in and smirked when he pointed daggers at her with his eyes.

"I don't"

"Dean…" Sam said with a frown.

"You have no idea how I feel! I don't love him and it's been five years…look at him" Dean said walking over and snatching it out of Ellen's hands. "He's successful and he doesn't give two craps about me! He ended it and…well I ruined it, I destroyed us"

Dean looked down at the news article and crushed it up into a small ball and tossed it towards the bin.

"Good luck to him because I don't care" he murmured grabbing Bones lead and whistling at him for a walk. Sam looked over to Bobby who shrugged his shoulders.

"I give it a day" he said grabbing a beer and uncapping it. Jo sighed walking over and straightening out the news article pressing her lips together in thought.

"Fancy going to an art gallery, Sam?" she said with a small smirk. Sam gave a small smile back and nodded slowly clocking onto what she was thinking and only hoped Dean would change his mind in time.

Dean tugged on the lead taking him down the street and towards the top of the hill overlooking the town and let Bones roam around. He settled down on the grass feeling a stab of pain at the memory of him and Castiel but it faded when he wanted it to. The bracelet around his wrist caught his attention and he brought up his hand smoothing his fingers and thumb over it before sighing and looking out across the town. The sun was hot and high in the sky making his skin overheat and he moved back settling into the shade of the tree longing for better company than the family dog.

Unwillingly his mind back to seven years prior to a small memory before Castiel went to college, they broke up, and it was all ruined to dust.

**~0~0~0~**

"Race you to the top!" Castiel said running backwards and chuckling when Dean shook his head amused at him. Castiel got to the top and panted out of breath and huffed when Dean came up behind him and jumped him to the ground.

"I win" he murmured pinning his wrists to the ground. Castiel waited patiently till he started to get up and kicked under his legs causing them to roll over and continue rolling down the hill till they hit the bottom breathless, laughing, and sore.

"No, I win" Castiel murmured capturing his lips and kissing him gently. Dean smiled into the kiss and pulled away blinking.

"My back hurts"

"That's because we have just rolled down a hill"

"We have grass stains"

"My mom is going to have a fit"

"I'm worth it" Dean teased wrapping his arms around him. Castiel nuzzled his cheek and buried his face into his neck making Dean smile and brush his lips over temple enjoying the warmth and comfort from his body covering his.

**~0~0~0~**

Dean shifted closing his eyes and shaking his head.

"No point living in the past" he murmured stroking a hand into Bones fur and watching him pant in the warm heat and stare across the grassy hill. Dean felt an uncomfortable knowledge that right now Castiel could be here in a small apartment, hotel room, or living with Eve.

Since his split with Castiel five years ago, Dean scarcely saw Eve who was now remarried and had another child with the man. It hurt more than anything but he occasionally saw Anna who was now nine years old laughing with her friends and rarely came over to say hello. Dean didn't just lose Castiel; he lost a family along the way.

Dean was too busy lost in thought when his cell rang and he pulled it out with his heart in his throat before answering it.

"Hello?"

"Dean, where are you?"

"Sam" Dean said timidly. "Top of the hill"

"Right" Sam said and hung up on him. Dean breathed out feeling his heart restart and mentally kicked himself for hoping for one tiny second it was the person he really wanted but he knew that was false hope. He waited patiently seeing Sam's tall form approach and he whistled to Bones who barked running over. Dean ignored him when he dropped down next to him stretching out his legs and looking up at the bright blue sky and orange sun burning brightly in the sky.

"You know I'm right"

"Go away, Sam"

"No, because I need to make you see sense"

"How? What is me seeing him going to do? Are we going to run into each other's arms and kiss passionately" Dean said with a sneer.

"No, you're going to go to his gallery, see his work, and then you are going to see him and reconcile as friends, Dean" Sam said facing him and pinching him hard. Dean yelped swatting his hand glaring at him.

"You were friends a lot longer than being partners…it was six years ago, Dean, and you're both grown up now! You're not silly teenagers who were too in love with each other to handle it"

"Sam…"

"You have and always will still love him"

"Stop it!" Dean shouted covering his ears and knowing he was being pathetic but it helped at the moment. "I don't love the dick!"

"We're going to the gallery, me and Jo"

"What? Sam, please don't…" he breathed shaking his head. "What's the point? He hates me"

"He doesn't hate you, Dean"

"I haven't spoken to him in years…so much has happened between us and not between us…I'm not the same man I was five years ago"

"That's a good thing!"

Dean shook his head bringing his knees up and placing his chin on his kneecaps feeling a wash of fear at even seeing him let alone talking to him. Sam frowned watching the conflict flicker over his face and moved his hand poking his cheek gently.

"Even if it does end badly…at least you got to see him one last time and even got to talk it out" Sam murmured with a shrug. "Dean, I know you, I know you better than you know yourself and I know that if you don't go you'll regret in weeks to come when it's all over and he's gone"

"Sonoma is big; we probably won't see each other"

"True…but what if you do? Cas must know you are either here or not and he's still coming"

"He probably doesn't even have a choice"

"Maybe or maybe not" Sam said sitting forward. "It's in two days and we're going, Dean"

Dean swallowed flicking his eyes to look at him and away. He knew he was right but he didn't want to face it, he didn't want to admit his little brother was right but Dean was terrified. Admitting defeat, Dean looked over to Sam and nodded.

"Good" Sam said with a beaming smile. "It's time to get out our smart clothes"

"Why?"

"Art gallery…oh come on, Dean, it's smart and full of people who bathe in their millions of dollars" Sam said with a roll of his eyes and jumped up calling for their dog and running out to catch him. Dean sighed deeply lying back onto the grass shutting his eyes and feeling an echo of an ache for the person who used to lie by his side.

Two days passed by and Dean panicked on the very day.

"I can't" he whispered shaking his head.

"What are you so scared of? Don't you want to see him?" Jo said dressing in a slim looking black dress and curling her hair perfectly. Dean smiled looking over her and nodded slowly in appreciation.

"You look beautiful"

"Thank you" she murmured softly. "But you didn't answer my question"

"I don't know, Jo, there's a part of me that wants to so much but there's the other part that knows it's going to hurt" he murmured looking down at his own outfit, his tight fitting white shirt, smart pants, and black shoes. Jo let out a puff annoyed and moved her hands up undoing a few buttons and stepping back to look over him.

"If you weren't my surrogate brother, I would fancy you all over again"

"Eurgh" Dean murmured rolling his eyes when she smirked and giggled. Sam heard the commotion and stepped inside the room and nodded at Jo.

"Beautiful, Jo"

"Why thank you, Samuel" she said in reply moving to collect her clutch and looking between them. "It's a late night showing so…are we going or what?"

"Dean"

"Fine" he muttered. "Let's get this show on the road"

Jo let out a deep breath and linked her arm into his and moved him towards the door closely followed by Sam collecting the cars keys and his money. The ride there was nauseating for Dean who chewed on his thumb nervously looking over to Sam driving the Impala and Jo in the back humming along with the song playing. Butterflies flooded his stomach and he wondered if this really was the best idea. Their last conversation hadn't been the break up, they had spoken once more and what Dean had done was unforgiveable in his eyes.

Cars surrounded the area and Dean closed his eyes when Sam cursed looking for a parking space and eventually found one far down the street. They walked down together, paid the entry fee, and walked towards where all the chatter and lights were coming from. Sam entered first and let out the breath he was holding in and stared around in awe. Dean stepped in after him and stared around at the paintings he recognised and some he didn't. Waiters moved around with palettes of champagne that Jo took with a small smile.

"Jo" Dean hissed.

"What? I just paid a fortune to get in here!" she protested sipping it and spinning in a circle. "Well your little Casanova is a genius"

Dean winced at the stab of pain in his heart and saw Sam shake his head in warning at Jo. Jo grimaced in apology and looked over at the stage with a microphone.

"Bet you 100 bucks he's going to be there" she said nodding over to the stage. Dean looked away and waded through people to the paintings and looked over them feeling a pang of pride.

"He was always so talented" he murmured with a shake of his head. "Always smelled of paint somehow…he could wash for days and still have a faint smell"

Sam stood at his side and swore softly. "He's selling these"

"How much"

"Well if you have $20,000 lying around, it's all yours" Sam said amused when Dean scoffed moving away to admire the others.

In the back room of the art gallery, Castiel lay out on the black leather sofa listening to the chatter outside and jumped when he felt gentle pressure on his shoulder. His eyes looked up to see, Becky Rosen, his personal assistant and close friend. She looked down at him with a raised eyebrow, a headset in her ear and a clipboard constantly in her hands.

"You're on in ten minutes"

"I know"

"Nervous?"

"Understatement"

"Your mom said she's coming tomorrow, your brother is sick"

"I haven't seen Luke in months" Castiel murmured with a sad sigh. Becky smiled sadly and shoved his shoulder gently.

"Water?"

"Please" he murmured sitting up and looking at the people rushing around him and preparing. Marie, his makeup artist, ran over and tugged him over applying a bit of colour. He grimaced letting her handle him and nod proudly. Castiel hated this more than anything, he was an artist, not a show and tell to show off, and he hated that he was paraded around.

Becky returned with a bottle of water and watched him gulp it back.

"Is he coming?"

"Not yet" she said looking at her watch. "He's in meetings"

"Great" Castiel murmured in despair rubbing his forehead feeling an upcoming headache. Becky rubbed his shoulders and heard the manager of the art gallery come on and grinned widely.

"It'll be your cue…just get on, say your thanks and that you are looking forward to these many weeks of promoting yourself"

"God" he breathed sweating nervously. "Okay, I can do this"

"You're amazing" she murmured.

Castiel smirked gently and pulled out the string containing the silver ring around his neck and kissed it gently before moving forward.

Dean shook his head backing away from Sam who stared at him with wide eyes confused.

"I can't do this" he said backing away and moving towards the door when the manager introduced him and he stopped turning slowly back to the stage to see him come on. Dean sucked in a sharp breath when he came on looking flushed and embarrassed like he used to do when he got praise or had to speak up. His hair stuck up perfectly styled but a little disarrayed now when he dragged a hand into it, his eyes shone in the light and he smiled at the manager murmuring a few words to him before grabbing the microphone. Dean held in an inner panic realising he was more beautiful than ever and ageing had done him well.

"Um, thank you for being here" he said nervously looking at the dozens of people in the people who fell into a silence after clapping. "I…I have no idea what to say but if it wasn't for a certain someone in my life I wouldn't be here, he found me and he promoted me…he saw the potential in me. Unfortunately he can't be here right now so it's just me…and I want to thank you for coming to this opening night and I look forward to the many weeks here…enjoy" he said trailing off with a chuckle. Claps and cheers sounded leaving Dean to simply stare at him as he moved away from the stage blushing furiously.

Sam looked over to Jo who nodded edging him on, Sam moved through the crowd edging to the stage and near the corner.

"I'm sorry, sir…"a security guard said attempting to move him away.

"Cas!" Sam called watching him stop and turn startled. Castiel narrowed his eyes moving towards him confused and stopped when realisation hit him.

"Sam" he breathed opening his mouth shocked. "It's okay, I know him"

The security guard hummed in disapproval and nodded letting Sam pass through. Sam gave him a frown and stopped in front of Castiel who stared up at him in shock.

"I can't believe you're here" he murmured and swallowed looking over his shoulder and back up to Sam.

"Yeah, I'm here…you're in the newspaper and how could we resist?"

"We?" Castiel whispered in fear.

"He's here" Sam said with a nod looking back and over to the doorway where Jo was pinning Dean against the door in the shadows talking to him urgently. Castiel swallowed shaking his head and backing away.

"You shouldn't…"

"What?"

"I can't, Sam, it's been too long and I…" he said trailing off and looking to Becky who came over looking between them confused and stopped in shock.

"Well hello, I'm Becky" she said moving towards him. Sam blinked and shook her hand confused and back to Castiel who stared at Becky amused and fondly.

"Just talk to him" Sam said moving over.

"Why?"

"Because it's been too long, it's been five years, Cas, and you need to talk"

"I can't, Sam, like you said it's been five years and there is no point in bringing up the past" he said and moved away to walk out.

"You were friends before any of that, Cas, you were best friends" Sam called after him. Castiel stopped in his tracks and turned to look back at him.

"Remember that? He was your best friend, your only friend, and _he_ was the one who pushed you forward, praised you, and wanted you to be the artist you are now" Sam said with fierce eyes. Becky raised an eyebrow surprised and looked back to Castiel who was looking down at the wooden floorboards.

"Just see him" Sam pleaded. Castiel moved forward and passed him a card.

"My number, tell him to call me" he murmured and moved away quickly. Sam stared down at it and blinked looking up to see Becky staring back at him longingly. He smiled quickly in return and turned on his heel moving towards Jo and Dean still in conflict.

"Call him" Sam said pressing the card into his hand. Dean gaped staring down at the little card in shock; Sam smirked at Jo who eyed him in admiration. His heart kick started and he turned walking out of the room and towards the entrance.

"Dean!"

Dean burst out into the warm night taking in a big gulp of fresh air and looking down at the semi crushed card in his hands. Everything screamed inside of him to ring him but his hands wouldn't move to his cell and he turned moving down the street towards the Impala and sat down on the hood of the car. He stopped and pulled out his cell phone and punched in the numbers slowly and waited for his courage.

The phone rang and he waited patiently for the evitable.

Castiel moved out back avoiding people who wanted to speak to him and the ever presence of Becky. His feet took him outside to the alley wall and he dropped against it. Castiel knew there was the big possibility of Dean still being in California but a part of him hoped not and he was living somewhere else now. He jumped out of skin when his phone rang and echoed around the small space, his heart went into double time when he saw the unknown number on his own phone and answered it hearing silence.

Dean heard the click of answer and froze not knowing what to say or even do.

"Dean" Castiel murmured softly.

"Hey, Cas"

Castiel closed his eyes letting his head hit the wall and breathed out slowly.

"Long time no speak" Dean said picking at his pants.

"I know"

"Can we talk?"

"Aren't we talking now?"

"Yes, but I mean face to face"

"I…I know a little café…its 24 hours" Castiel said shakily.

"I know what one you mean, ten minutes" he said and hung up the phone.

Castiel pulled the phone away from his ear and pocketed it quickly. Pulling his car keys out, Castiel moved down the alleyway and headed towards the black car he was given for his 21st birthday and slid inside it and started her up. Dean did the same and climbed into the passenger seat driving towards the café.

Dean sat in the car for a long moment before stepping out and eyeing up the expensive looking car sitting opposite and knew instantly it was his. He slammed the car door and moved towards the door pushing it open and stepping inside to see a tired looking lady look up at him and down at her crossword puzzle.

His eyes roamed over and found him sitting in the corner watching him. Dean swallowed fidgeting nervously before strolling over and standing near the little table. Castiel moved the cup towards him and sat back looking up at him for a long minute before Dean sat down opposite him.

Castiel fought back a smile looking over his features, his grainy brown stubble covering his cheeks and chin, his green eyes wide open and completely honest, and his hair disarrayed. Castiel knew Dean had always been gorgeous but this was ridiculous now.

"You look good, Dean"

"So do you"

"It's been too long"

Dean hummed moving forward and felt fear, longing, and most of all anger.

"Well it wouldn't have but you know…we ended"

Castiel twitched wrapping his hands around his cup. "I guess this is what it's going to be is it?"

"Well I wasn't expecting hugs and kisses" Dean hissed sitting back.

"I don't want to fight with you, Dean; Sam said you wanted to talk"

"I do, I want to talk about five years ago"

"What can I say to you to make you feel any better?"

"A fucking explanation would do the world of good!"

Castiel flinched and looked down at the cup of coffee. "We were young, Dean, teenagers…and I was selfish. You told me you were waiting for me and I freaked out…I freaked out over nothing and I was scared for you because I had years there and we were so far away from each other. Then there were all the calls, emails, and texts wanting to know everything and I didn't want it…I wrote that letter hoping for time which I got. I didn't end it because I stopped loving you, Dean; I ended it because I thought it was the right thing to do"

"You were wrong"

"I know that…I knew that six weeks after I ended it" he said with hard eyes. It was Dean's turn to look down at the table. Castiel shook his head and looked away from him.

"I was not the only one to blame, Dean, and you know it"

**~0~0~0~**

**Five years ago, six weeks after break up.**

Dean dropped against the bar signally for another beer and looked over to the couple kissing against it and grimaced. Since the breakup, Dean had taken to drink, smoking, and endless drives that scared Sam. He hadn't spoken one word to Castiel who responded with the same.

"You look like utter shit, pal"

Dean looked up to see dark messy curls, deep blue eyes, and a smirk added onto his features, he pulled back eyeing him up and down.

"Who are you?"

"Todd" he said holding out his hand.

"Dean" he replied shaking his hand briefly and letting go.

Todd smiled nodding at him and dropped next to him when Dean sipped his drink.

"Girlfriend problems"

"Nope, not my area" he murmured feeling the bubble of his beer froth in his head and he knew he was a few more before he was drunk and on the floor. Todd pressed his lips together and nodded in understanding; he sipped his own drink and smiled mischievously buying Dean more and more beer till he was drunk.

"I fucking love him, I mean…I love that stupid bastard and he does that!" Dean ranted leaning against him. "I hate him"

"I thought you said you love him"

"Thin line, my friend" Dean whispered with a wink and a chuckle.

Todd laughed lightly and pulled back holding out his hand for him. "Fancy going somewhere quieter"

"Yeah" Dean murmured dazed and stumbled after him when Todd led the way. Dean walked behind Todd who said something about him living ten minutes away.

"Why are we here?" Dean said looking over him.

"Fun, just simple…mindless…fun" Todd murmured pushing towards the bedroom. Dean gave him a frown and when his eyes blurred he could swear he could see Castiel staring back at him. His heart pounded painfully and he moved towards him kissing him hard. Todd responded pushing him to the bed and shredding their clothing. Dean was spun onto his back and stared down at the green covers with a heavy head and groaned when he felt warm lips at the base of his spine.

"You're one fuckable man, Dean" Todd whispered. "No one should be as fit as you"

Dean closed his eyes with a moan when his fingers penetrated him and he whimpered clutching the pillow in two hands.

It was quick, rough, and sweaty as Todd fucked Dean against the headboard till he climaxed and Dean followed shortly after with another name on his lips.

"Cas" he whispered in longing and slumped on the pillow exhausted. Todd raised an eyebrow pulling out and removing the used condom tossing it in the corner before rolling away and dropping on the bed. He coughed and pulled out a cigarette lighting it and puffing away amused.

Dean's phone rang sometime after and he frowned moving off to pick up his jeans and fished out the phone.

"Hello"

"Dean?" a rough voice said and Todd pulled back the phone to see the called I.D and nearly laughed.

"Is this Cas?"

"Yes, who is this?"

"Todd, sorry pal but Dean is passed out right now…he's fucked out" he murmured sucking on the cigarette.

"What?"

"Sex, Cas, sex…he's passed out after I fucked him into my mattress…basically but don't worry when he came he called out your name" Todd said spitefully and laughed openly. "Here, I'll wake the gorgeous beast"

Dean moaned when Todd shook his shoulder hard. "Phone call"

Dean squinted looking up at Todd confused and grabbed the phone watching Todd walk out of his room chuckling.

Dean sat up feeling sick and pressed the phone to his ear. "Hello?"

"Dean" Castiel said in a shaky tone.

"Cas" Dean breathed and closed his eyes in horror. "It's not…"

"That didn't take too long" Castiel breathed down the phone. "Fucking another guy only a month after we split"

"No, no, it's a drunken mistake, Cas, why are you…why are you calling?" Dean said scrambling for his clothes and pulling them on.

"I realised my mistake…I realised I was wrong to end it and write that stupid letter…it took me some time but I missed you so much it was killing me and I wanted to talk to you" Castiel said with a hitched breath. "But I guess you weren't thinking the same"

"No, Cas, it…this isn't me" Dean pleaded. "Baby, I'm so glad you called because I do feel the same way…I miss you so much"

"You clearly don't, Dean"

"This is nothing"

"It is, Dean, you went with him and you let him fuck you" Castiel said looking down at the mattress.

Dean swallowed and breathed out. "Does it even matter? We're not together"

"So that gives you the right to go out and fuck someone else?"

"Well…yeah!" Dean shouted and instantly regretted it listening to Castiel breathe out shakily and let out a pained sound.

"I was wrong, I shouldn't have called"

"No, no, Cas, please…this is nothing! A silly little mistake"

"Perfect revenge for me breaking your heart is it, Dean?"

"No!"

"Liar, even when you're drunk out of your mind there is always, always, a part of you that knows right from wrong and this was one of them. Perfect way to hurt me, Dean, and I've even spoken to him…kindly informed me he fucked you into that mattress and shouted my name when you came"

"Doesn't that mean something?"

"No, don't be so stupid!" Castiel shouted down the phone.

"I've already said it was a mistake, Cas, but you ended it first! How can I be in trouble for something that isn't wrong?" Dean shouted back at him.

Castiel closed his eyes feeling tears trickle out. "We're over for good, how can I be with you after this?"

"Cas, please"

"No, I ended it…you ruined it" Castiel murmured softly.

Dean felt like his heart gave out when the phone call ended. He stared down at his phone and attempted to redial but got voicemail, tears filled his eyes and he let them fall unashamed. He collected his stuff and moved out glaring at Todd who smiled at him softly.

"Good time, Dean, really…you're a good fuck" Todd said.

Dean swallowed opening the door and moving out into the night feeling lightheaded, sick, and still drunk from his night out. He moved to the edge and threw up noisily into the bushes and fell down staring at nothing.

**~0~0~0~**

"We were just teenagers, Cas" Dean said with a shake of his head. Castiel gave a small frown circling his finger over the rim of his cup.

"We were mature"

Dean snorted amused looking up at him. "I recall rolling down a hill with you one time"

Castiel smiled lightly looking away from him and shrugging. "Okay, we were mature children"

Dean chuckled and sat back looking over him. "I knew you'd make it big"

"Stop it" he whispered.

"I did, Cas, of course you're big" Dean said with a gesture over to him. "In every way"

Castiel flushed and shook his head amused. "I thought we were meant to be fighting over five years ago"

"We can if you want" Dean said leaning forward again.

"No, the past is the past and it's made who were are today"

Dean nodded bringing his cup and sipping it gently. "So, what's happening in your life?"

Castiel pressed his lips together and straightened up.

"Before we continue there is something you should know"

"What?"

"I'm in a relationship with someone"

"Oh" Dean breathed and nodded expecting this and expecting the blow to his stomach. Castiel brought out his necklace holding the silver ring.

"More like engaged" he murmured watching Dean's eyes widen in horror and surprise.

"To who"

"His name is Balthazar; we've been together on and off for two years but recently engaged to be married. He was the one who discovered me, he made me like this and he's the reason for everything"

Dean swallowed when he pushed it back into his shirt and stared back at him. Dean looked down at the table cloth feeling an overwhelming feeling of sickness swarm inside of him and he knew that deep down he shouldn't be feeling like this but with the sickness came jealously.

"Just so you know" Castiel whispered at him and stared down at his own cup unable to look at the pain in Dean's eyes he was desperately trying to hide from him.

They sat in uncomfortable silence neither one of them knowing what to say or do now that the bombshell had been let out. Dean's eyes shut and his last shard of hope he held for so many years crumbled into dust.

**A/N: My god. These are huge chapters! **

**Yes…Balthazar/Castiel and Dean/Castiel. If you don't like, do not read. I don't want to lose readers but they are together so...**

**Keep on reviewing! Makes all this typing worthwhile! **


	4. Chapter 4

Castiel unlocked the apartment door and stepped inside looking around the luxurious suite. It was large, spacious, and where they would be both living for the next couple of months. He sighed dropping the keys into the small bowl and walked over to the alcohol pouring a glass of wine. His meeting and reunion with Dean had left him shaken and he downed it feeling a shudder run up his spine. It had ended on the promise that they would meet again and he frowned at the excited buzz in the pit of his stomach.

Without a doubt Castiel knew that the breakdown and the break up was all his fault and it pained him deeply. He always wished that if he could go back in time, he would go to the moment he sat down to write that letter and would tell his former self to stop and answer the calls instead.

He was so lost in thought he didn't notice Balthazar walk in staring at him confused before moving over and wrapping his arms around his waist.

"Hello"

Castiel turned in arms kissing him gently. "Hello"

"How was it? I'm so sorry I couldn't be there darling but I have meetings nonstop" he said looking him over.

"Short and sweet, I left Becky in charge"

Balthazar hummed in approval removing his arms and grabbing a glass for his own wine. Castiel watched him pour one and pull back.

"She will love that! The woman is a strange creature" he said and gave a frown. "Are you okay?"

"Just tired" he murmured in reply and smiled softly when he reached up stroking a hand into his hair and kissing him tenderly.

"Go get some sleep" Balthazar murmured stroking a hand down his cheek. Castiel nodded moving away and heading towards their big double bed and dropping down onto the soft covers. He lay on the cushion feeling his mind drift back to when he first met Balthazar two years ago. It had been in South Dakota when he was circling and trying to climb his way up and to no success. He was sat in a bar drinking when he felt the seat next to him move and for a gentleman with sandy brown hair, a mischievous smile, but kind eyes and hint of a beard looked back at him.

"Balthazar" he murmured holding out his hand.

"Castiel" he said shaking it gently. Balthazar's eyes lit up and he tilted his head looking over him for a long moment. Castiel flushed pink looking away from his heated gaze.

"I was thinking of this being my last drink but I've suddenly changed my mind"

"Why?"

"Oh very attractive company" he murmured softly.

Castiel blushed a deep red looking away and back to him falling under his spell. After their first meeting, Balthazar slipped over a card with his number on and winked insisting he called him. Castiel debated long and hard after that night whether to call him or not since his last relationship had been with Dean and he had yet to take that step again.

Castiel took that step and their next meeting ended up being a date. Balthazar wined and dined Castiel with the end result in being Castiel going home with Balthazar. From then on their relationship together became casual and with Balthazar's job it was more meeting up for drinks, food, and sex. Six months later the relationship ended after Balthazar claimed the relationship had lost their "spark" he ended it and left the state. Castiel was left alone and felt a lash of pain knowing this was how Dean must have felt and chose not to think about it.

Two months later it was a surprise for Castiel who was sat at his favourite bar circling his straw around his drink when he felt a shadow over him. He turned his head and gaped shocked when Balthazar leaned next to him with a small smile.

"What are you doing here?"

"Seeking pleasant company"

"I'm sure you'll find it here" he said in a bored tone. Balthazar smirked moving towards him and kissing him firmly. Castiel drew away dazed and swallowed hard pulling back.

"You said we had no spark left"

"I was wrong"

"Oh" he breathed and looked him up and down. "Are you just here for sex?"

"No, I'm here for _you, _the sex is just a bonus as good as it is" Balthazar murmured moving his hands around his back to the skin underneath.

Castiel held in a breath feeling sparks run up and down his skin where he touched it and nodded slowly.

"Okay" he breathed feeling the same old attraction he felt for him rise up and he seized the moment taking hold of him and kissing him broadly. Their relationship started once again resulting in Balthazar securing Castiel his job as an artist and eleven months into their relationship proposing to him which Castiel accepted.

It was quick but Castiel knew that he did love him but even though Balthazar had wealth, status, security, and they were in a content and happy relationship there was one thing he could never be for Castiel and that was Dean. Castiel decided it was important to tell Balthazar about Dean and their breakdown so he could he know that Dean would always be Castiel's first love.

Fisting a hand into the pillow, Castiel sighed and wondered whether or not to tell Balthazar about Dean showing up and their meeting but decided against it. He lay there for a long moment staring out at the bedroom when he felt Balthazar drop down on the bed next to him jostling him out of his mid haze.

"I'm trying to sleep here"

"In your clothes?"

"Point made" Castiel murmured pushing up and stripping out of clothing. Balthazar hummed tilting his head at him thoughtfully.

"Strip tease, sweetheart?"

"You wish"

"It was granted"

Castiel smirked throwing his shirt at him till it landed on top of his head.

"You're the sexist one I've had yet" Balthazar said slowly taking it off whilst he kicked off his shoes and rolled back onto the bed. He wriggled under the covers and smiled when Balthazar's arms came around him.

"Is it not weird being back in California?"

"Yes but my family lives here"

"Ah I do miss old Eve"

"Did you just call my mom old?"

"No" he teased poking his nose gently.

"She will kill you and have you strung up"

"Kinky"

Balthazar laughed dodging Castiel's kick aimed at him.

"That is my mom and your future mother in law"

"You know I love her, she's an amazing woman"

Castiel narrowed his eyes with a smile and snuggled into the pillow with a sigh shutting his eyes welcoming in sleep. Balthazar held him till he drifted back off to sleep and pressed his lips to his temple before moving away to order food for one.

Castiel's dream took a strange turn and he ended up on top of the hill near home and turned seeing someone standing next to him and groaned.

"Why are you here?"

"You're dreaming about me" Dean murmured with a smirk.

"I shouldn't be dreaming about you"

"Do you dream of me often?"

"Not really" Castiel lied dropping down on the soft grass underneath him feeling Dean sit down closely next to him. Dean smiled softly leaning his cheek on his hands looking over to him.

"I should be dreaming of the man I am in love with, not you" Castiel said with a scowl.

"Don't you love me anymore?"

Castiel swallowed looking away from him and shrugged. "It's been a long time"

"Five years, Casanova, but you have to know this…what I did with that person wasn't wrong"

"You slept with someone else"

"We weren't together, Cas" Dean said softly in the breeze. "I was drunk and it didn't mean anything but most of all…I was single"

"Six weeks"

"We were over, Cas, how was I meant to know you would call in the middle…how did I not know you were seeing someone else either"

Castiel narrowed his eyes and jumped up walking away from me.

"How can you blame me for your actions?" Dean shouted after him. Castiel turned to look back and blinked to see him gone and turned to walk forward when he stopped staring into Dean's angry eyes.

"You left me, you ended it, and you broke my heart" Dean chanted circling him and moving behind him. "I should hate you"

"Then why don't you?"

"You know why" Dean breathed into his ear and moved away. "You still love me"

"No, I'm engaged to another man, Dean"

"Then why are you dreaming about me?"

"Because I saw you two hours ago"

"But you've dreamed about me before, you always think about me when you spell that aftershave or when a song comes on"

"Stop it!" Castiel shouted at the image of him when Dean smirked at him. Dean didn't hesitate moving forward and claiming his mouth, Castiel struggled against him for a moment before giving in and feeling his lips move against him in perfect sync.

Dean hummed moving away from him and bit his lip trailing his hand into Castiel's hair.

"We're meant to be" he whispered moving closer to him. Castiel shook his head and closed his eyes when his lips trailed over his forehead and down to his lips hovering over them.

"Wake up, baby" he whispered.

Castiel's eyes snapped open and he stared at the darkness around him in a panic, he breathed out lifting his head to see Balthazar snoring softly curled around him.

"Shit" he breathed covering his eyes and swallowed gently easing out of his arms and padding towards the bathroom. The light blinded him and he moved to the mirror staring at his image all sleepy and messy hair. Pouring water into his hands he splashed his face and looked up seeing his reflection and cursing himself.

It felt so real but so unbelievable at the same time and he felt a dozen of butterflies flutter in his stomach in anticipation. Castiel reached for the engagement ring around his neck and looked down at it feeling tremendously guilty. He was supposed to have moved on, found love, but he was looking back and his heart didn't mind. Dean's face lingered in his mind and he longed for a moment to feel his lips against his before shaking out of it.

"Get a grip" he hissed turning his back on the mirror and returning to bed. Castiel knelt on the bed looking over at Balthazar who turned towards him confused.

"Cassy?"

Castiel swallowed and moved forward kissing him desperately. Balthazar made a small sound of surprise but eagerly accepted it and turned pressing him into the mattress.

"Wake up feeling horny?"

"You could say that, just…make me forget my own name" he whispered bringing him down into a fiery kiss. Balthazar responded and they were lost in a tangle of sheets, harsh pants, and his wish was granted when he forgot all about his dream.

**~0~0~0~**

Dean sat at the kitchen table stirring his spoon into his coffee when he heard movement behind him and turned to see Jo, Sam, and Ellen enter the kitchen. He sighed deeply and made a move when Ellen pushed him down and they sat in the empty seats.

"You came home last night, grabbed a beer, and went to your room" Ellen said sharply. "What happened?"

"Nothing, we met up for a late night coffee"

"And?" Jo said gesturing her hand.

"Nothing, we talked about what happened and then…well…he kindly informed me he is a taken man and engaged to said man" Dean murmured bitterly throwing the spoon down.

Jo gaped looking at Sam who mirrored her shocked expression.

"He's engaged?"

"Yep" Dean said with a nod. "Good for him"

"Whoa…he doesn't even believe in marriage" Sam protested and looked at Dean who shrugged his shoulders.

"He does now"

"Well…I wasn't expecting that at 9am in the morning…bacon anyone?" Ellen said baffled standing up moving to the fridge. Dean swallowed hard and looked down at the murky waters of his coffee.

"Dean…?" Sam murmured touching his arm. Dean flinched away not speaking a word and opened the backdoor to see Bones running around the garden. He looked up at the morning sun and was glad it was a brand new day. It had a new perspective on everything and Dean couldn't be shocked or surprised that Castiel had moved on. It had been five years since their official split and neither one of them had remained celibate. Dean had dated many women and men but they all resulted in either sex, bad sex, or a number which he threw into the bin.

But even though Dean was not surprised he felt his heart give a pained ache for the loss. Castiel would always be the best friend he longed to have again, the boyfriend he wanted back despite everything that had happened, the past is the past. People made mistakes and they were young. He could still blame Castiel but he could never hate him for what he did and he could still blame himself for his own actions.

"Dean" Jo sand stepping out to join him in the garden, Dean sighed looking over to her.

"Why won't you people leave me alone?"

"Because we're here to torture you" she said with a happy smile. "So come on what was it really like?"

"Strange…I mean, he's still the same but different…he's more gorgeous than ever, he's quirkier…and I miss him, I missed him more than I imagined"

"The taken part is a bit of a blow"

"Yeah…I guess" he murmured kicking the dirt. "But…I'm going to try and…reconcile"

"What?"

"Friends, Jo, I miss him…he was my best friend long before I was fucking the guy" he said with a small puff of laughter.

"Do you think he'll go for it?"

"Yeah, look at me, I'm adorable" he said with a cheeky grin. Jo rolled her eyes punching him in the arm gently.

"You should go back to the art gallery and see him!"

"No, his fiancé will be there"

"Call him"

"I guess" he murmured sheepishly.

"What harm can it do?" she said shrugging her shoulders and leaving him to it in the garden. Dean watched her leave and pulled out his cell phone contemplating and dialled his number.

Castiel was sleeping when he heard the irritating ring and sat up looking around bleary eyed. He snatched his phone up from the floor and held it to his ear.

"Yes?"

"Cas, its Dean"

"Dean" he murmured and sniffed rubbing a hand into his hair and groaned looking over to the empty side of the bed to see it was nearly 9.15am. "What do you want?"

"You"

"What?" Castiel said startled.

"I'm kidding" he murmured raising an eyebrow. "I was wondering if the little star is not busy, do you want to meet up."

"Oh" he murmured and sniffed picking up the letter on the pillow.

**Meeting at 9, again, so I'll buy dinner tonight.**

**Love and kisses. **

"I don't know, Dean"

"Cas, we were friends since the beginning of high school and we have been through so much…I just want to be friends again"

Castiel picked the bedcover gently and knew that Becky would throw a fit but it could be good to get away from people asking questions.

"Where would we go?"

"Anywhere"

"Okay, apartments in Richwood, number 12" he murmured softly.

"Be there in ten"

Castiel clicked the phone off and sighed falling back into the covers. His mind screamed at him, _"what are you doing?" _while his heart nodded and screamed in agreement. Castiel couldn't decide whether or not it was a good idea or a very bad one, he climbed out of the bed and dressed in simple black jeans, a white t-shirt and black jacket. His eyes reflected tiredness from last night's antics and he moaned slipping sunglasses over his eyes and drank back orange juice waiting for the doorbell to ring.

Dean hovered outside and pressed the bell waiting nervously till the door opened and he stepped out.

"Hey, man in black"

"Hilarious, Dean"

"I am hilarious" he murmured swinging the keys around his finger. Castiel glanced over to him feeling a stirring in the pit of his stomach feeling last night's dream peek up and say hello once again.

Dean blinked and gestured at him to move to the car and Castiel stopped looking over the Impala.

"You still have her?"

"Of course I do!" Dean said astonished wiping his hand on the top and patting her warmly. "I love her more than anything"

"Oh really?"

"Yes, now can get in" he said sliding into the driver's seat. Castiel took a good look around before slipping into the passenger seat and settling into the leather. It brought back a number of memories and one being a memory in the back seat of the car.

"Where are we going?"

"A little place I remember" Dean said with a wink starting her up. Castiel shook his head and looked out of the window amused when he drove out of the street.

"Come on, Cas, tell me what's happened in your life"

"You want every detail from five years?"

"Yeah"

"I finished art school with my degree and got…nothing. I was stuck with a degree I could do nothing with apart from paint like a professional. I painted, I begged, I found little jobs which paid well but…I didn't have what I really wanted. It was mostly travelling, visiting the world for the first two years and then I found Becky Rosen. Becky helped me out a lot, she found me a home, money, and introduced me to the people she knew. It was in a bar of her choice that I found Balthazar…he was just a causal friend till it ended and he left…then two months later he returned and we were back on track. Balthazar discovered me; he found me the perfect management"

Dean whistled low tightening his hand on the wheel. "So he proposed?"

"Eleven months into our relationship"

"I thought you didn't believe in marriage"

"Well…when the one you love proposes to you, you say yes" Castiel murmured softly. Dean felt the blow and nodded tightly staring forward into the distance. Castiel turned his head to look out of the window and they sat in silence till it caused too much tension and awkwardness.

"This silence is uncomfortable"

Dean looked over to him with serene eyes watching the way his hair blew in the wind, the curve of his jaw, and he swallowed back the question rising in his throat. Castiel's lips twitched into a smile and he looked back at him.

"Stop staring at me and look at the road before we die"

Dean laughed surprised and looked back to the road feeling the mood instantly lighten up.

"What about you, Dean?"

"I left school with a few grades and no money…I started work in Bobby's garage which I loved and I guess the years have been spent living my life. I dated a few women and men of course but no serious relationship like you" Dean said tapping his fingers on the steering wheel. "I couldn't find anyone…I wish I could have but…"

"But…?"

"How can someone replace a first love?" he murmured looking over to Castiel who flushed. "Anyway, it doesn't matter"

"It does, Dean, everyone deserves someone and you will find yours"

Dean chuckled amused slapping his hand on the steering wheel. "Yeah"

Castiel responded with a sigh and pinched his bridge tightly feeling a headache coming on. They soon arrived at their destination and Castiel stepped out looking at the pier and looked over to Dean.

"This was our first official date…you bought me chips and held my hand down the pier" he said slamming the door hard. "Why come here of all places?"

"Because it's a nice day, Cas, and this may hold a memory but I like this place" Dean replied walking towards the steps. Castiel inhaled deeply and followed after him till they reached the pier edge and walked down it together.

There was a hard edge to Dean's jaw and Castiel knew he was acting like a spoilt jerk and reached out wrapping a hand around his wrist. Dean looked down at his hand and stopped looking at him in surprise.

"I'm sorry, Dean"

"For what?"

"For everything, for acting like a jerk right now, for the past, just…for everything" he said letting go gently and moving towards the side looking at the sparking blue water, Dean joined him and looked out across the water enjoying the warmth of the rays hitting him and gave Castiel a sidelong glance.

"I've missed you, Cas" Dean admitted softly speaking into the air. Castiel felt the lump in his throat rise and his stomach tickle inside him at those words spoken to him for real this time and he nodded pressing his lips together in a tight white line. Castiel went to speak when his phone rang and he pulled it out seeing Becky ring him for his wakeup call and simply pressed the red button declining the call.

"I must be special" Dean muttered amused.

"For a few hours" Castiel answered looking up to him.

"Fancy ice cream, chips, and possibly…a piece of pie"

"I'm on a diet"

"Not today" Dean said raising his eyebrows in challenge and kicked back moving down the dock leaving Castiel to stare down at the water. It was endless, deep, and full of possibilities. It reminded Castiel of Dean who was halfway down and talking to the ice cream man, his mouth formed into a small smile and he saw the image of the man he fell in love with and his heart gave a skip.

Castiel knew it was wrong, how couldn't he? But of course fate was intervening with a cruel smile and she wasn't about to stop anytime soon for either of them.

**A/N: Your response has been fantastic! I love you all!**

**I respect every single one because they're all fantastic and I do read your points. A few of you say that Cas is a jerk and my writing had kinda made him this way…it wasn't meant to happen. Seriously. You also say it should be Castiel begging Dean to come back and I agree it should be BUT the only reason its Dean is because Castiel has moved on and well…Dean wants him back. It doesn't matter what happened, he wants what's his. **


	5. Chapter 5

"Where the hell were you!" Becky shouted when he walked into the art museum.

"Out" he murmured with a small smile.

"First night and you disappeared! Where the hell did you go?" she cried walking after him.

"I met up with an old friend"

"Dean"

"Yes"

"Are you insane?"

"I think I might be" he said thoughtfully and sitting back on the black leather sofa watching Becky regard him with wary eyes.

"Your ex! Does Balthazar know you're meeting up with him?"

"No, not yet so don't go telling him, Becky"

"Do you still love him?"

"Who?"

Becky gaped at him. "Dean, Castiel, do you still love him?"

"No"

Becky narrowed her eyes at him and slapped her clipboard down and knelt on the sofa next to him.

"I've known you for about two years now and if there is one thing I know truly well about you is that you…are a dreadful liar"

"I'm not lying" he protested kicking back and looking away from her probing eyes.

"You are! You do still love him don't you?"

"No, I loved him once upon a time but not now…I love Balthazar"

Becky hummed flicking her blonde hair behind her back and straightening up.

"Strange thing about love is you can love two people at the same time" Becky said tapping a pen against her lips. "It's just about who makes you the happiest, the one you look at and can smile without question or get that happy lovey dovey feeling when they look at them for just a second"

Castiel swallowed and looked away from her wistful dreamy look and instead focused on one of his own paintings. It was hard to admit to himself but he enjoyed the few hours on the pier with Dean simply reconciling. It was nice and he enjoyed spending time with him like old times and he can't remember smiling and even laughing that much in months. It was work, work, work, and more work these days with arranging the wedding and pleasantries involved.

"I'm leaving you to handle this" Castiel said jumping up.

"Where are you going now?"

"My mom's" he murmured heading to the door and stepping out leaving Becky to look around and sigh deeply. Castiel drove over to his family home and parked outside looking up at the white and red house feeling a sense of homesickness he hadn't felt in a long time. The front door opened and he smiled seeing a nine year old, Anna, wave at him happily. Castiel stepped out and opened his arms when she ran towards him and hugged him hard.

"You're here!" she said happily looking up at him. "Mom will be so happy"

"Where is she?"

"In the garden with Luke" she said grabbing his hand and tugging him inside. Castiel stepped inside inhaling the smell of fresh laundry, cookies, and air freshener. It made him smile and he walked through the back door to see Eve kneeling on the grass, hair tied back, mud on her jeans and a smile on her face. His baby brother, Luke, bounced in his chair sucking on his fist while nursery rhymes played in the background.

"Now this is why I miss home" he said and smiled when Eve looked up and squealed overexcited.

"Baby!" she cried ripping her gloves off and darting over to him. Castiel let the air be squeezed out of him for a long minute before she pulled back cupping his cheeks.

"I am so sorry I missed the opening but Luke was sick and I couldn't leave him…"

"Mom, it's okay" he said reassuring her. "It's open for weeks on end"

"Where's Balthazar?"

"Work" he said with a smile.

"Oh" she said disappointed and sighed brushing her hands down his t-shirt when a thought occurred to her.

"Have you seen or spoken to…Dean?"

"Yes" he said with a brief nod.

"How was it? I hardly see him anymore and I feel so terrible about it! He was family once and now when I see him I panic because you're not here anymore and he's…" she said trailing off with a sad sigh.

"He's what?"

"Lonely" she murmured with a pat on his shoulder. "He's lonely"

Castiel blinked surprised watching her move away and collect Luke out of his chair. "Say hi to Castiel"

Castiel held out his hands for him and smiled softly when his big blue eyes looked up at him.

"Hey" he murmured jiggling him and smiling when he giggled at him.

Eve walked into the kitchen washing her hands and looking back over to him. "You didn't answer my question"

"It was okay, we met up and we talked"

"Is that it?"

"What were you expecting mom? I'm engaged to another man"

"So? It's about reconnecting with him, he was your friend, Castiel, and you chucked that away like it was garbage"

"Mom…"

Eve gave him a frown and pointed a finger at him. "You did and you know it, Castiel"

Castiel let out a tired sigh looking down at the table and his clasped hands feeling low.

"I never meant to hurt him"

"Well you did and I am not one for dragging up the past, sweetheart, and I know you did it because you thought it was right but you were not here when the relationship ended and you didn't see Dean"

"What do you mean?" he murmured confused.

"He was heartbroken, Castiel, you were his closest friend and the one he loved more than anything. Dean just…built a wall around himself and drowned in alcohol, cigarettes, staying late out or staying in. Sam was so worried about him and the hill…" she said looking out of the window and nodding towards it. "Sometimes late at night or when the sun was setting I'd look up for a moment and see him sat all alone. Dean was just sat there quietly on the hill looking out and it was painful to watch"

Castiel felt an ache spread in his chest and he looked away from his mother's eyes.

"Why are you telling me this?"

"Because someone had to tell you and I don't think Dean is going to spill his heart" Eve said warming milk up and smiling at Luke who opened his mouth greedily.

"It's been five years and I fully expected him to be with someone else"

"Nope, there have been a few women and a few men but no one serious" she said looking down at Luke. "Anyway, I guess that's the past now…let's talk about the wedding!"

"That's not for a long time"

"Oh hush! It still needs planning"

Castiel rolled his eyes looking away from her once again and attempting to digest this brand new information about Dean. He knew of his own pain over their split but he didn't know about Dean and knowing the truth was far worse than making up your own theories. He flipped open his own cell phone and looked at Dean's number wondering if he should call him but snapped it close instead deciding against it. Castiel watched his mother fuss and start to make him a sandwich claiming him to be too skinny and he needed fattening up as soon as possible.

His eyes shut and he thought of the next few weeks and wondered what they would bring.

**~0~0~0~**

Dean looked up at the art museum and inhaled deeply before entering and walking towards the gallery. It was emptier than opening night and he stepped inside seeing a few people mingling but he ignored them and turned in favour to looking over the paintings. Dean smiled recognising one from the time he was with him and trailed his fingers down it slowly.

"That's a fine you know"

Dean turned at the sound of his voice and flashed him a grin. "It's quiet here tonight"

"People do not know art" he murmured. "They come in the day anyway, not the night"

"How much is this?"

"$5000"

Dean scoffed turning his back on it and stalking towards the other closely watched by Castiel who followed after him slowly.

"This?"

"$7500"

"Why are you robbing people, Castiel?"

"You never use my full name"

"I do not know this Castiel robbing people blind" Dean teased making Castiel smile amused and look down at the ground.

"We all have to make our way in the world"

"I see that" Dean replied looking back to the painting and towards Castiel who looked around him with a furrowed brow.

"They are not my prices; if I could I'd sell them for nothing"

"So whose are they?"

"My management's choices, they need money, I need money, and I have already made two sales apparently" he said in a soft voice. Dean watched him carefully and noticed the inner conflict in his eyes.

"You hate the fame don't you?"

"No, I hate the publicity and the parading around"

Dean went to speak when he heard loud footsteps behind them and turned to see a tall man with golden brown hair, hint of a beard, and curiously calm eyes looking directly at Castiel.

"Hello" Balthazar murmured pulling Castiel into a kiss. "It looks amazing, darling"

"Thank you" Castiel whispered up to him and cast a glance over to Dean who was watching them with wide horrified eyes.

"Is this a seller?" Balthazar said looking over to Dean and flashing him a warm but fake smile. "My Cassy is a super star don't you think?"

"Yeah…yeah he is" Dean replied slowly looking over to Castiel who grimaced in apology.

"Where's the wench?"

"Don't call Becky a wench; she's at the back on the phone"

"I've ordered us a table so get to the car" he murmured smacking his ass lightly and turning on his heel to walk to the back. Dean watched him walk away before turning his eyes to Castiel who also looked back to watch him disappear around the corner.

"Wow" Dean murmured softly.

"I'm sorry…I didn't think he'd be here…"

"Of course he would be, his fiancé has his very own art gallery and of course he would show his support" Dean said backing away.

"Dean…" Castiel whispered with pain evident in his eyes at Dean's obvious panic and distress.

"I'll see you around, Cas" he whispered turning around and heading away. Castiel stepped forward reaching out for him and let it fall closing his eyes in defeat. Dean rushed out of the main doors darting for his car and jumping in starting her up. He sped out of the lane and headed towards somewhere unknown. His heart beat loudly in his ears and his stomach churned replaying the image of Balthazar kissing Castiel who responded with years of practise. It hurt more than he could possibly imagine and he shoved the car into first gear speeding down the road and ended up near the pier once again.

Dean opened the door and braved the cold of the ocean air and slammed it hard. The sound it made was loud and echoing like a gun fired in the night, it made Dean feel much better and he shoved his hands into the pockets of his jacket moving forward and climbing the stairs onto the empty pier. His feet moved forward till they reached the very end and he looked out at the black sea feeling the water hit his face in a spray. It was cool and he closed his eyes relishing the feeling before snapping them back open and felt pathetic.

His teeth ground together and he kicked the wooden beam hard feeling the pain shatter his foot and he cried out. Dean's hand moved down and he pulled out his cell dialling Sam's number.

"Tell me I'm the biggest fool in the world"

"What? Dean, what are you talking about?"

"How can I still be in love with someone who broke my heart, who is now moved on with the richest most good looking dude out there and he looks at me like I'm the ghost of Christmas past? Why do I still want him back?" Dean shouted down the phone pacing up and down.

"Dean, are you at the beach? I can hear the sea…Dean; I think you answered that for yourself"

"I don't know what to do!" he shouted out at the sea.

Sam blinked and breathed out shaking his head. "Do what you think is best!"

"Breaking them up?"

"Dean, no not that"

"Well why not! I had him first, he was mine and I want him so much" Dean cried down the phone. "I hate that I do but I can't help it"

"Have you been drinking?"

"No, I am thinking perfectly clear"

"Dean, just come home so we can talk this over and I am not hearing you shout near a beach" Sam said rubbing his forehead wondering if this was yet another breakdown from Dean not in control of his feelings.

Dean swallowed and closed his eyes in his own defeat. "I'll be back soon"

"Dean…"

Dean cut him off and dropped down on the bench fiddling with his phone. It felt like a mess wrapped in a riddle and he couldn't work his way through it to make any sense. Everything inside of Dean called out to get him back but the other side of him was his conscience and it told him not to do it.

Back in a restaurant, Castiel looked across to Balthazar who was looking over the menu with a raised eyebrow.

"What do you want?"

"I'll have the steak"

"Oh sounds good" Balthazar nodded and dropped it down and narrowed his eyes slightly. "You've been weird since the museum, Cas, what's wrong?"

"I…" he said and let out a deep sigh "I haven't been entirely truthful with you"

"Okay?"

"The man I was talking to at the gallery wasn't a buyer, he was Dean"

Balthazar's eyes widened only slightly before he sat back regarding him for a long minute.

"I'm sorry; the Dean who is the love of your life was stood talking to you?"

"Yes, I'm sorry I didn't tell you"

"What….when did he get back in contact?"

"The opening night, I met up with him and we had a coffee"

Balthazar blinked many times and leaned forward linking his hands together on top of the table top. Castiel watched him with wary eyes while Balthazar eyes brooded with an unknown emotion.

"Does he want you back?"

"No"

"Are you sure?"

"Well…no but I don't want him back" Castiel replied grabbing his raised hands and clinging to them. "Dean being back in my life means nothing and it doesn't affect us"

"So the love of my fiancés life just returns and I'm meant to accept that it won't affect us?"

"Yes, please" Castiel begged and looked up when the waiter walked over and looked between them.

"I can come back"

"Oh no please, you came at the right time" Balthazar said removing his hands and picking up the menu. Castiel sighed deeply folding his own hands into his lap watching Balthazar interact and flirt as usual with the flustered waiter.

"He was the love of your life, Cas, and I'm sorry but that little fact scares me"

"I'm yours"

"Yes, yes you are…but for how long?" Balthazar murmured with a raised eyebrow.

"For a long time" Castiel snapped and brought out his engagement ring. "I said yes didn't I?"

Balthazar looked at the silver band and up to Castiel's troubled blue eyes and nodded slowly in agreement. Castiel got up and circled the table dropping into his lap and kissing him deeply, Balthazar responded cupping his cheek and pulling back.

"You'll do anything to convince me won't you?"

"I love you" he whispered earnestly. Balthazar stared into his eyes and smiled softly pulling him back into a soft kiss.

"I know, but you have to get off me before we give the guests dinner and a sex show" he whispered nudging him gently off him. Castiel sat opposite him and exhaled slowly wanting to believe it deep down that he loved Balthazar and only Balthazar but his heart metaphorically laughed at his foolishness.

**~0~0~0~**

Dean returned home to see Ellen moving towards him and slap him hard on the cheek.

"Are you trying to give me a heart attack!"

Dean winced and blinked dramatically looking back towards her stunned.

"Um, no" he murmured looking over her shoulder towards Sam leaning against the doorframe. "What have I done now?"

"On the pier at this time of night? Dean Winchester, you are a silly son of a bitch" she said shoving his shoulder and moving away back to Bobby furious. Dean exhaled and moved towards Sam who crossed his arms looking at him patiently.

"Don't say a word, Sam"

"I wasn't going to but you've been gone hours and Ellen has been freaking out thinking you did the swan dive"

"I'm not suicidal" Dean murmured grabbing a beer. "I'm insane"

"No you're not; you're just having a hard time dealing with ex issues"

Dean snorted with his lips around the bottle. "Ex issues"

"Well I'm right aren't I?"

"I don't know"

"Dean, you love the guy" he said and grabbed Dean's wrist showing the bracelet still hanging there. "You have kept this close to you all these years and if you want him back you need to do something about it"

"You told me not to!"

Sam closed his eyes and faced him. "I mean don't go charging in all guns blazing and ruin the relationship, Dean, if you want him back you have to win him back"

"How?"

"He fell in love with you once upon a time, just do it all over again"

"That is not helpful"

Sam shrugged his shoulders dramatically and simply held his hands up. "How am I meant to know? I've never had someone fall in love with me"

"Oh, Sammy, you're breaking my heart" he teased and smirked when Sam shoved him hard and leaving a laughing Dean behind. Dean clucked his tongue into his cheek and sighed pulling out his phone and dialling his number.

Castiel was stood outside getting a breath of fresh air whilst Balthazar paid for the bill when he rang. Castiel stared at the caller I.D for a long second before answering it.

"Hello, Dean"

"Hey, Cas"

"Why are you calling?"

"I want to meet up tomorrow and don't say you can't because this gallery can survive without you for one day while we bond all over again"

"Dean, I can't just drop everything for you. I have been here four days and I have things to do"

"What things?"

"Work things, Dean, the reason I am here which is not for you"

Dean nodded pressing his lips together. "I'm asking for one hour here, you dick"

Castiel gritted his teeth and let out a breath slowly. "Fine"

"Really?"

"One hour and I'm yours"

"Oh really"

Castiel rolled his eyes looking up at the star lit sky. "Don't do that"

"What?"

"You know what"

"I'm just too irresistible for you, I'll see you tomorrow, Casanova" he murmured hearing Castiel's breath hitch at his nickname.

"I guess so, Dean-o" he murmured and ended the call turning to see Balthazar come out and hold out his hand for him to take. Castiel linked their fingers together walking back to the car and kept his head held high but avoided his eye contact. Dean smirked tapping the phone against his lips in thought. If he wanted him back, Dean was going to have to be ruthless. It was a one man war to the bitter end.

**A/N: Your responses are awesome! It's kinda kicking off now and Castiel is going to be very, very, naughty in later chapters and what I have in mind may get me a lot of hate. Hahaha…**

**Keep those reviews coming, my beautiful readers. **


	6. Chapter 6

Castiel was lying in the bath staring thoughtfully at the ceiling when the bathroom door opened and he looked up to see Balthazar walk inside.

"Early morning bath, dear?"

"Yes my back is hurting from sleeping awkwardly"

Balthazar nodded circling the bath till he was at the back of the tub and knelt down massaging his shoulders. Castiel hummed happily when he spread and rubbed his sore muscles.

"If you keep making those sounds I'll be dragging you back to bed" Balthazar murmured into his ear. Castiel smiled amused leaning his head against his and splashed his hands into the water.

"What are you doing today?"

"Well…I was hoping to spend the day with you" Balthazar murmured.

"Really?"

"Well…morning time mainly but yes" Balthazar said kissing his neck and jumping up. "I have things to do and people to see in the afternoon"

"Okay" Castiel whispered feeling a nervous flutter in his stomach at the thought of seeing Dean today but the guilt was also there.

"What are you going to today?"

"I thought I'd revisit some old places, see old friends"

"Meaning Dean"

"No, no of course not" he lied swallowing hard and sitting up to pull the plug out. Balthazar kept his silence watching him step out and wrap a towel around his waist.

"You don't have to lie to me, Castiel"

"I-I'm not" he protested avoiding his eye contact. Balthazar gritted his jaw and stepped aside when he edged out. Castiel dressed into a casual white top and jeans before turning to face him leaning against the door.

"What?"

"Nothing, do you want breakfast?"

"No, I'm not hungry" Castiel murmured scratching absently on his neck. "Okay…if I was seeing Dean today would you mind?"

"A teeny tiny bit yes"

"Why?"

"Because I'm not entirely sure his intentions towards you are completely honorable"

"You think he'll try to steal me?"

Balthazar shrugged his shoulders walking back towards him and appraising him for a long second before leaning into kiss him.

"I trust you"

Castiel blinked surprised exhaling shakily when he moved away to grab his keys.

"I also love you"

"I…I love you too" Castiel whispered watching him walk out and closed his eyes dropping on the bed. "I'm a fool, I am an utter fool!"

His cell buzzed to life next to him and he grabbed it holding it over his head staring at the new message from Dean and sighed.

**Dean.**

**I don't care what you're thinking today. We're meeting or I'll find you and drag your ass out to spend quality time with me.**

Castiel let out a huff of annoyance and groaned when the phone slipped out of his hand smacking him on the face. He sighed chucking it away and sitting up rubbing his sore cheek and looked around the messy room littered in clothes, papers, and bits and pieces. His eyes closed on their own accord and he fell back down curling into his side believing a bit more sleep will do him the world of good.

**~0~0~0~**

Castiel knew he was dreaming straight away when he looked down staring at the wooden floor of the art gallery to see no paintings on the wall and simple white walls. He was rooted to the spot in the middle and struggled unable to move his legs and arms. His eyes moved to the left side of the room and he stared at Balthazar who was stood at one end and he looked to the right to see Dean on the other.

He inwardly panicked looking between them and struggled unable to move.

"Shall we decorate the room, my love?" Balthazar said in the distance startling Castiel who breathed out shakily.

"What do you mean?" he called out to him when he walked over slowly with a small cruel smile.

"These walls are far too white, they are far too innocent but we both know they are really filled with lies, unknown truths, and filthy thoughts" Balthazar said whispering into his ear. Castiel's eyes looked over to Dean who was watching them and leaning against the wall.

"I love _you" _

"Liar" Balthazar breathed shaking his head at him. "You're a little liar, angel"

"What…" he breathed and looked over to Dean who straightened up. Balthazar smiled reaching behind his back pulled out a small black revolver. Castiel drew in a sharp breath when he stepped towards him stroking the barrel down his cheek gently.

"Let's paint this town red"

Castiel shook his head desperately to see Balthazar now in front of him pointing the gun at Dean who smiled back at him.

"Do it" Dean whispered.

"No, no, please" Castiel shouted. "Think about what you're doing! Please, Balthazar, please don't hurt him!"

"Why shouldn't I?"

"Because this not you" he pleaded and was paralyzed to the spot he was on.

"Because you love him" Balthazar murmured. "Don't you?"

"I…" he said trailing off and looking over to Dean who looked back at him with sorrowful eyes. "I can't remember how to not love him"

"So is that a…yes?"

Castiel stared at the back of Balthazar. "I'm sorry"

"No matter, my love" he murmured softly and pointed the gun at Dean and fired. Castiel cried out in horror watching Dean's blood splatter on the wall behind him and his lifeless body hit the ground with a final thud. Castiel let out a small sound of despair and swallowed back his disgust when Balthazar turned back to him soaked in blood. Blood covered his entire body including his clothes and he stepped towards him pulling him into a deep blood.

Castiel gagged pulling back tasting the metallic flavor of the blood in his mouth and looked down surprised to find he could move.

"How could you, you bastard?" Castiel shouted turning to run to Dean and stopping to stare at the skeleton now lying on the ground. His feet moved towards it on the floor and he dropped down unable to look away or touch it. Castiel looked behind him to see a now empty room and let out a cry of despair staring down at the skeleton remaining on the floor and gasped seeing blood starting to spread on the floor.

He sprawled back and stood up looking at the blood starting to fill the room slowly coating over the skeleton till it was gone and up to his waist. Castiel called out searching desperately around for a door and struggled in the blood which rose and rose till it was up to his neck and he cried out when it filled his nose and mouth. The blood overcame him and he struggled in the darkness for a long time before giving up and sinking into oblivion.

"Cas…Cas…Cas" a voice said over and over again till he opened his eyes and looked around the green field startled. Dean stood in front of him confused and smiled softly when Castiel clung to him in a desperate hug.

"I watched you die…oh god" he breathed clinging to him.

Dean didn't speak and simply placed his hands on his back. Castiel pulled back looking up at him and exhaled touching a hand to his cheek.

"I…" he said and trailed off when Dean pressed a hand to his mouth.

"It's okay, don't say a word" he murmured and pulled him into his arms and pressed his face into the crook of his neck. Castiel closed his eyes inhaling the smell of his aftershave and twirled a hand into his short hair and let his warmth surround him before opening them slowly and seeing the bedroom instead.

Castiel sat up looking around shocked and groaned dropping his head into his hands hating sleep and now his dreams. His stomach churned and he crawled off the bed moving into the bathroom. He struggled gripping hold of the side still smelling the smell of blood and looked up at the brown ceiling.

"Oh this is my torture isn't it?" he whispered and shook his head quickly to regain his composure.

"Cas?"

Castiel turned quickly moving out of the bathroom to see Balthazar returning with two coffees and a brown bag.

"Christ, you look like you've seen a ghost" Balthazar said staring at him shocked. "What's wrong?"

"Nothing…I just…I had a strange dream"

"Oh" Balthazar murmured with a raised eyebrow. "Coffee?"

"Please" he murmured reaching out for it and sipping it gently. His eyes wandered over to Balthazar who hummed turning on the radio and biting into his breakfast without a care in the world. Images of his dream flickered like a home movie in his mind and he turned away sitting on the sofa and grabbed his phone staring at the old message.

**2pm. The hill. **

Castiel sent the message and sat back feeling a headache coming on and his heart beat loudly in his ears and chest.

Dean reached for his cell opening the message and grinned happily.

"Score" he said waving it at Jo who rolled her eyes at him.

"Cute"

"I'm looking forward to seeing him again" Dean murmured tapping it. "I feel like I'm eighteen all over again expect without the threat of breaking up"

"This could all still end in heartbreak, Dean, he is engaged to another man"

"I know he is and I know I said I want him as a friend again but I don't…I want to be the one who kisses him in an art gallery and know I can do it over and over again"

"He must love him though…"

"Probably but I think he still loves me too"

"I think you may be a little deluded"

"Shut up"

Jo smirked taking a bite out her toast and munching it before speaking again.

"Are you going to tell him you still love his cute little face?"

"Maybe one day"

"He's only here for a few weeks you know"

"I know" Dean muttered tapping his fingers on the wood. Jo leaned back in the chair and looked down at Bones who panted staring at the food in her fingers.

"Greedy boy" she whispered feeding him and looking over to Dean still lost in thought. Jo pressed her lips together and leaned forward poking him in the arm.

"I fully support this no matter what but a random thought…have you ever considered just moving on and finding someone else? I mean when was the last time you dated someone and didn't fuck them?"

"I don't know and I don't care because I don't want anyone else right now" he murmured pushing out and grabbing his wallet and keys. "I'll see you later"

"Where are you going?"

"Preparation" he said with a wink walking out of the kitchen and heading towards the door.

**~0~0~0~**

Castiel stood on top of the hill feeling a wash of memories overcome him and they were all good. He had informed Balthazar he had gone to see his mom and "friends". It was half of the truth but he still felt guilty and couldn't quite look at him in the eye after his nightmare.

He looked behind him and sat down on the soft grass looking out across the town and smiled looking down at his lap. It had been a long time since he had sat up here.

"Oh well this brings back memories"

Castiel looked up at the arrival of Dean who strolled up and looked down at him.

"Yes, yes it does"

"I brought food and beer" Dean said with a wink sitting down next to him. Castiel rolled his eyes stressing the issue and peered inside the bag.

"Fries and beer? You, Dean Winchester, are going to make me fat"

"So? You're skinny and lean…which is quite good if you want to be bendy" he murmured with a raised eyebrow. Castiel flushed snatching a fry and popping it in his mouth chewing hard and looking away from Dean who opened his beer.

"Why here of all places"

"It's our hill, Dean"

"Too true" he murmured looking over to him. "Where's your fiancé?"

"I don't know" Castiel murmured grabbing another and sucking on it gently. Dean watched him feeling desire pool inside him and watched him carefully.

"Bobby married Ellen you know"

Castiel turned towards him startled and swallowed down the fry. "I had an inkling when you mentioned Jo"

"Yeah, they got married about a year and half ago"

"Oh wow, I can't believe it" he murmured still feeling stunned and grabbed his own beer with the bottle opener key ring. "I have missed so much"

"Not really, I mean apart from the wedding and many endless summers and winters with pointless jobs, holidays that ended up going really badly or ending up amazing, but apart from that…" Dean said taking off his jacket and flexing his arms relaxing. Castiel watched him out of the corner of his eyes and zeroed in on the bracelet he had only just spotted.

Dean watched him silently and unmoving as he grabbed his wrist and looked up at him.

"You wear it still?"

"It's never off my wrist" Dean murmured with a small shrug. "Do you still have my amulet?"

"Yes…I have it in a box with all my other treasures" he whispered letting go of his hand and sitting back down on the grass. "I can't believe you still wear it"

"Why wouldn't I?"

"Because of everything that happened"

Dean hummed tilting back his beer and eating some fries. "I couldn't take it off even if I wanted to, I felt naked without it"

"I guess that is a comforting notion" Castiel whispered.

"Cas?

"Yes?"

"Shut up and drink your beer" Dean muttered with an amused smile. Castiel looked away with a small chuckle and obeyed drinking back his beer and pulled out his cell turning it off. It was a day to relax and reconcile with old friends, nothing more.

But all that changed sometime later when more beer was drank, the fries disappeared and the sun was beginning to set. They were tipsy and lying in the grass together exchanging stories.

"You were such a nerd" Dean muttered drinking his beer.

"I enjoyed comic books!"

"Nerd"

"Liar"

"I never lie, Cassy cat" he murmured and laughed loudly when Castiel shoved his shoulder hard. "That's your new nickname"

"Don't you dare" Castiel said pointing a finger at him.

"Or what?"

"I'll…I'll break your precious car"

Dean mock gasped sitting up and staring into his wide and apprehensive eyes.

"That is very mean, Cas, and you wouldn't dare"

"Oh wouldn't I?"

"Nope" Dean murmured shaking his head and lay back down swirling the beer around in his mouth. "So tell me, have you missed me at all?"

"Is there any more of this?" Castiel said shaking the empty bottle at him. Dean rolled over passing him another and rolled back to face him feeling lightheaded in the early evening.

"You didn't answer my question"

"What do you think is the answer?"

"I think you have and you still do"

"You have a wild imagination, Dean"

"So I'm wrong?"

Castiel sighed rolling over onto his front. "Do you want me to be truly honest with you?"

"Well…the truth always hurts so why not"

"At the beginning…when I ended it and it was over officially after…well you know and I had days where I would wake up in my little room all on my own and I wanted you to be there. I wanted you to hold me like you used to do when I woke up early till I fell back asleep, I wanted you to kiss me breathless like you used to do and then I would remember. I would remember what I did and what you had done…then I would move on with the rest of the day. It got easier day by day and then I started dating again"

Dean listened to his story and felt an ache start to rise up in his chest at the most obvious pain in Castiel's eyes.

"It wasn't the same, it was strange, and the first time we had sex was…it was horrible. I was so used to you and everything he did was foreign and I fell asleep afterwards but when I woke up he wasn't there and it hurt" Castiel continued and looked over to Dean who stared at him for what seemed like forever.

"I'm not drunk enough for this conversation" Dean murmured with a cough rubbing his chest. Castiel nodded in agreement shutting his eyes feeling the last remaining sun burn his back and let his head rest on his hands and grass. Dean lay next to him and shut his own eyes basking in the knowledge that he wasn't the only one who had a terrible time in the past either.

**~0~0~0~**

It was much later in the evening with both Dean and Castiel drunk and the beers gone. Castiel twirled in a circle and stopped swaying side to side.

"See! I'm not drunk"

"Bullshit" Dean cried dragging him back down so Castiel landed on top of him in a giggling heap. Dean stroked a hand down his back when he collected himself and leaned against his chest.

"Dean?"

"Yeah"

"I haven't…I haven't been this drunk in ages, like seriously, I don't…I always have fun with you" Castiel said looking over the town lights. "I bet everyone is looking for me"

"Same" Dean muttered pulling out his phone to see one missed call from Sam and sighed pocketing it. "You're nice and warm"

"Just the two of us…" Castiel sang and chuckled leaning his head back. "I have been here for…five days now? I haven't even been here a week and look at me! Look at…look at what you've done, Dean Winchester, you-you are bad influence on me"

"God, I've missed you" Dean whispered with a chuckle pressing his face into his shoulder. "You're a hilarious drunk, Casanova"

"I am" he murmured trailing a hand into his hair and sighed deeply. "I need to get home"

"Okay, start walking" Dean whispered into his ear. Castiel smirked tilting his head back and could only see the reflection on his eyes from the distant lights.

"I can't…I'm so tired" he muttered turning suddenly startling Dean who held still when Castiel turned wrapping his arms around his neck, sitting in his lap and lying on his shoulder. Dean swallowed shifting till he was comfortable and pulled back brushing a hand through Castiel's hair.

"Dean?" he whispered.

"Yeah"

"Why don't you hate me for what I did to you?"

"Because it seems I'm a very forgiving person"

"Why?"

"I've grown up and so have you"

"I'm sorry" he whispered blowing warm air onto his cheek. Dean simply let out a puff of air amused and shrugged one shoulder.

"The past is the past and now here we are, one who is a successful artist and engaged to another man then there is me with no money, a job as a mechanic, and sat in a field with said drunken man who is also a very cuddly drunk" Dean whispered stroking his hand into his hair. Castiel simply stared at him waiting for Dean to look back at him. An air of unresolved tension bubbled between them and despite the lack of light; Dean could see everything and moved forward taking his chance and kissing him softly.

They parted for a moment before Castiel hummed.

"I'm rather drunk, Dean"

"I see that"

"So I don't care" he whispered. "Isn't that amazing?"

"I guess so" Dean replied slowly moving into meet him first. Castiel hummed against his lips and pulled back chuckling and dropping his head on his shoulder.

"That was bad" he murmured wrapping his arms around him tightly and shoving him down so they were lying in the grass together. Dean rolled his eyes grabbing the jacket and throwing it over them both. It was an unexpected turn to the evening but Dean could honestly say he didn't care less. His eyes flicked over to Castiel now sleeping on his shoulder and he smiled more to himself than anything. Dean knew in the morning it would be a whole different story with denial and a whole lot of pain but for now all he could was hold him like he did all those years ago without a single care for anyone else. It was just the two of them.

**A/N: Thank you for all the reviews! You guys make me so happy. **


	7. Chapter 7

Dean stirred feeling and sensing light all around him and felt an ache over his entire body from lying on the hard ground. His eyes opened to see a blue sky and he turned his head to see Castiel lying on his chest breathing deeply still fast asleep.

Dean stared at him for a long moment and lifted his free hand to trail his fingers down the side of his face feeling the softness and the faint stubble on his cheek prickle his fingertips. His mouth flickered into his mouth and he moved to bury his nose and mouth into his hair inhaling the fruity smell of his shampoo and pulled away before he could stir him.

It was when he pulled back he felt the full effects of his hangover. Dean balked and shifted too much and startled Castiel to wake up. Castiel moaned gripping the top of his head and looked up to Dean who smiled sheepishly back.

"Oh my god" he murmured and looked at his surroundings in disbelief. "I…I slept out…with you"

"Yeah, we got very drunk" Dean murmured sitting up and pressing his hand to his lower back to steady him.

"Oh I'm dead, he's going to kill me" Castiel whispered leaning his head on Dean's shoulder and he blinked surprised. "Oh god"

"Do you remember anything from last night?"

"No and yes…why?"

Dean narrowed his eyes and shrugged his free shoulder. "We…um…we kissed"

"What?" Castiel breathed moving away and staring at the side of his face. "Why would I do that?"

"You're a cuddly drunk, Cas, and it just happened…twice" he replied looking out across the town and rubbed his forehead.

Castiel moved away looking stiff and struggled up scrambling for his phone and turning it on. He breathed out and held in an inner panic which was threatening to come out. He looked down to see dozens of messages from his management, Becky, and most of all, Balthazar. Dean stood up and stretched out feeling bones click into place and his muscles stretch out perfectly.

"Cas"

"Don't, Dean, just don't" he said and pressed the phone to his ear calling Balthazar who answered on the second ring.

"Where the hell are you!"

"I…got very, very, very, drunk and crashed at an old friends house"

"Dean?"

"No…no, an old friend…Jo" he murmured looking back to Dean who snorted amused. "I am so sorry but I lost track of my phone and I was drunk"

"Do you have any idea how worried I have been?"

"Yes, yes I know and I'm coming home now"

"Fine" Balthazar snapped hanging up on him. Castiel dropped the phone from his ear and turned to look at Dean who was staring away from him and looking into the distance.

"Lying to the one you are supposed to love, classy behaviour" Dean said flicking his eyes over to him and raising an eyebrow at him. Castiel scowled and moaned rubbing his forehead and a running ache down his side.

"Last night was such a mistake"

"Sure" Dean murmured with a hint of hurt in his eyes. "It was such a huge mistake when we poured our hearts out and _you _were all over me, Cas"

"I was drunk"

"Yeah, yeah, because people do stupid things when they're drunk and do things that they regret deeply don't they, Cas?"

Castiel turned hard eyes towards him knowing exactly what he meant and breathed out shakily.

"Don't throw that at me, that was your own doing"

"Oh I'm so sorry for fucking a guy when I was single" he hissed.

"I haven't got time for this" Castiel said turning to walk away when Dean moved towards him grabbing hold of his wrist and yanking him back. Castiel stood in his personal space staring into his angry but hurt eyes.

"You've just lied to the one you are meant to love"

"Because he won't understand and he doesn't trust you"

"The guy barely knows me"

"No, but he knows me and he knows how I used to feel about you, he doesn't trust your intentions"

"How you used to feel about me?"

"Yes, how I used to feel about you"

"Liar" Dean murmured softly.

Castiel shook his head backing away from him. "Don't you dare play games with me, Dean, I'm telling the truth but it is your choice whether you believe them or you'd rather live in a fairy tale! I love him; I love Balthazar, not you"

Dean clenched his jaw watching him turn away and walk back down the hill. He stood there hands deep in his pockets, stomach churning and head aching from his hangover and his eyes blurred with tears. He exhaled heavily and rubbed his eyes furiously before collecting his jacket and pulling out his car keys.

Castiel drove back to the apartments and ignored the twist in his gut at leaving Dean behind like that but it had to be done. He jumped out of the car running up the stairs and unlocked the apartment door to see an empty room.

"Hello?" he murmured shutting the door and wincing at the loud sound. Balthazar stepped out of the bedroom and simply folded his arms watching him.

"You look like shit" Balthazar commented watching Castiel nod and drop his keys on the side.

"I'm so sorry" he croaked.

"What were you thinking?"

"I don't know there was a lot beer" he murmured and moved into the kitchen pouring a glass of water. Balthazar rolled his eyes following him and leaning against the table.

"I was worried sick! Becky had no idea where you were either and the poor woman was frantic with worry, Cas, and your phone was bloody off!"

"I'm a grown man, Balthazar, I got drunk and I stayed out"

"Yes like a common teenager" Balthazar said with a raised eyebrow. "Are you sure Dean wasn't involved?"

"Dean had nothing to do with this!" Castiel shouted at him and drank back the water before slamming it down. "I need sleep"

"I'm sure you do, princess, now like all the rest of the world I have work to do and you better be in that gallery tonight because we are not here for fun and games" Balthazar said in a cool tone and snatched up his own keys. "We're here for five days and already you're acting like you're a teenager all over again. This is not the one I love"

"Don't you have work?"

Balthazar scoffed moving away and heading out of the door slamming it hard behind him. Castiel closed his eyes and sighed moving into the bedroom and dropped down face first on the bed before curling into the covers feeling sleep pull at him and succumbed into it.

Dean returned home and opened the door slowly and carefully but it was all ruined when Bones ran up to him barking excitedly.

"Dumb dog" he hissed shoving him away and heading towards the stairs.

"Whoa! Hold your ass, mister" Ellen shouted pointing a wooden spoon at him. "Where the hell have you been?"

"I'm sorry, have I travelled back in time? I recall being of age!" he shouted back to her.

"Don't you dare use that tone with me in my house" she said dragging him back down and hitting him hard on the head with the spoon. Dean hissed edging away from her attacks and hit the wall with a slump of defeat.

"I was with Cas, we got drunk on the hill and fell asleep"

"Seriously?" she said with wide eyes. "You really are deluded"

"Shut up, it wasn't intentional"

"Sure"

"It wasn't! I got a lot more drunk than I planned and so did he" Dean said fiddling with the zip of his jacket. "I kissed him twice"

"He's engaged, Dean"

"He kissed me right back, Ellen, so he doesn't love him as much as he claims to" Dean said with a sneer.

"You fool"

Dean rolled his eyes away from her and swallowed hard tasting old beer and made a sound of disgust.

"Look I need sleep, I have a hangover the size of Brazil and I'll talk about it later" he said pushing off the wall and heading up the stairs. Ellen watched him and sighed in disapproval moving back into the kitchen to see Bobby sat at the kitchen table reading the newspaper.

"He's back"

"That boy will be the death of me" he murmured flicking over the page. "What's the story this time?"

"Got drunk and slept on the hill…with Cas"

Bobby looked over to her and sighed shaking his head. "He's going to get hurt all over again"

"You think that's his endgame"

"To get hurt?"

"No to win him back"

"Yeah, I think it is and I know that boy better than anyone and he's a fighter"

"More like a pain in the ass" Ellen murmured grabbing her cup.

"You're a pain in the ass"

"Yep but I'm your pain in the ass" she whispered kissing his cheek. Bobby flushed gently nudging her away when she moved to get more coffee.

Dean pulled the covers over his head and hovered staring at the black bracelet around his wrist and fingered it gently. His heart beat painfully against his chest and he sighed shutting his eyes still hearing Castiel's words ring in his head and he might have believed him if it wasn't for last night still in his mind. Dean knew something wasn't right and if he truly loved Balthazar then he wouldn't have kissed him back, cuddled him, or even poured his heart out for the taking. He wasn't about to back down without a fight but he was hurt now and he would wait and see what would happen next and he hoped Castiel came to him and not the other way around.

**~0~0~0~**

Castiel woke feeling fresh and looked up at the angry face of Becky.

"You…you complete dick!" she said smacking him hard on the head. Castiel winced jumping up and scowling deeply at her.

"You left me! Everyone was asking for you! You're here for a reason and the reason is your many paintings sitting in an art gallery!" she shouted following him out. "You lost a sale because he wanted to talk to you, where the hell where you?"

"I made a huge mistake"

"What do you mean?"

"I can trust you with anything right?"

"Of course" she replied softening slightly.

"I was with Dean and we got drunk on the hill nearby. I fell asleep in his arms and it's the best night sleep I've had in ages. He held me all night and didn't let go of me once, I think I woke up during the night and I was so confused about what was happening and the next thing I know he's holding me even tighter and stroking my back like he knew I was awake…"

"Oh Castiel" she murmured dropping her bag down. "You are head over heels in love with him"

"No"

"Oh yes! No one speaks like that if they are not head over heels in love with someone! He held you all night? Did anything else happen? Why am I so excited about this?" she said with a squeal and stopped looking astonished.

"Because you're insane"

"I know" she said with a giggle. "But come on! Did something else happen?"

"I'm an engaged man"

"Just tell me!"

"Fine! We kissed…apparently" he said with a sigh. "I can't remember but he can"

Becky cooed and stopped at the look on Castiel's face.

"Come here" she said with her own sigh and pulled him into a tight hug. Castiel clung to her and simply stared at the light blue wall feeling her hands rub his back till she pulled back shaking her head.

"You're got yourself into a pickle"

"More like a hurricane"

"Does Balthazar know?"

"No and he can't know, it was a mistake, Becky"

"Aren't they always?"

Castiel gave her a sidelong glance flashing her disapproving look which she matched with pure innocence.

"Don't do anything stupid, Castiel, you could end up making the biggest mistake of your life"

"I'm not going to do anything with Dean"

"That could be your mistake" she said moving away from him. Castiel rolled his eyes when she pulled out papers and set them out on the table.

"The one question people want to know is are you going to paint a new painting?"

"Yes"

"Seriously?" Becky said spinning around to face him and clapping happily like a seal. "When?"

"When I find inspiration and not being bothered by my personal assistant"

"Spoilsport" she said with a flick of her hair and turned her back on him.

Castiel made them coffee and waffles and sat down signing paperwork and discussing work related issues till the late hours of the afternoon.

"I feel like committing"

"Please don't, I kinda like you and your presence will be missed" she said rubbing his hair and standing up. "Come, we have an art gallery to attend"

"Please don't make me go"

"Get up!" she ordered. Castiel frowned and picked up his mobile seeing no messages from Balthazar and even regretfully Dean. He felt an old pang at how he left it and wondered if he would yet again attend this evening's art gallery.

They arrived forty minutes later and he stepped aside seeing the manager notice him and walk over.

"The runaway returns"

"Yes, I apologise for my absence, Zach"

"You lost not only yourself a sale but me" he said with narrowed eyes.

"I'll get a sale tonight" he promised and watched Zach salute and move on. Becky looked up at him with wide eyes and walked into the gallery with her heels tapping loudly. Castiel sighed folding his arms close to him and followed after her looking around the spacious space and zeroed in on a familiar site talking to an unknown man.

Dean stood with an unknown man talking animatedly to the guy who listened with bright enthusiasm for Dean's constant chatter. Castiel watched moving towards the beam holding up the ceiling and leaned against it watching Dean brush a hand down his arm laughing.

"What are you doing?" Becky hissed.

Castiel shushed her urgently staring at Dean who was now more interested in the man then the painting now. Becky peered around him and gasped in knowledge looking up to Castiel shocked.

"You're not jealous are you?"

"No…" he murmured looking away.

Becky snorted with a shake of her head. "He's nothing like I expected, he's like the love child of a Greek god and an underwear model. I know Balthazar is charming, successful, and of course gorgeous but…oh sweet merciful heaven why oh why did you let him go?"

"You have no idea how many times I ask that question" he whispered closing his eyes.

"Can I have him?"

"I thought you had a crush on the second Winchester?"

"Which you have yet to get me a phone number!" she hissed poking him hard in the arm. "Stop stalking him and go talk to him!"

Castiel was shoved forward by Becky who sighed and walked away. Castiel swallowed clasping his fingers together and looking over to Dean who looked up in mid laugh to see him standing there in the centre.

Dean looked away and carried on listening to the guy who called himself, Paddy, and could feel the intensity of Castiel's eyes watching him. Dean raked his eyes over Paddy and reached up pushing a curl away from his forehead.

"It was bothering me" he murmured when Paddy stared at him surprised.

"Oh no, it's fine"

Dean smirked amused and looked up with mild curiosity when Castiel stood in front of him with blazing eyes.

"Paddy, this is Castiel"

"It's you! I love your work!" he gushed shaking his hand. Castiel stared at him shaking his hand slowly before looking over to Dean who looked between them and smirked.

"Can I have a word with you?"

"Of course, excuse me" Dean said politely to Paddy who watched with adoration in his eyes when Castiel walked away towards the other end closely followed by Dean.

Dean stopped when Castiel turned to face him. "Something wrong, Cas?"

"Who was he? Do you know him?"

"His name is Paddy, he enjoys art a lot, he likes going to these galleries, and he's good looking don't you think?"

"No"

"Oh" Dean murmured moving into his personal space and edging his mouth to his ear. "Is Casanova feeling a little jealous?"

"No" he repeated rolling his eyes up to meet his.

"I think you are… I think it's bubbling away in your veins, your heart, and all over you waiting to come out. I think last night did a lot more than get us drunk"

"Stop it" Castiel whispered up to him.

"Admit it…you know jealously is such an ugly trait and can show you everything. It can drive you mad with fear…longing…and the need to have that one person for yourself" Dean whispered and pressed a hand over his heart feeling it pump wildly under the thin membrane of skin. "Are you trying to tell me that if I went off with Paddy over there and had mindless sex with him over and over again because I can, because I'm free, I'm single, and of course you couldn't have a say…you wouldn't mind?"

Castiel struggled looking away from him. "Why are you doing this?"

"I'm not doing anything"

"You are! Go on then; go take him back to a hotel or even your home and fuck him senseless"

"Fine" Dean breathed against his ear and moved away from him. Castiel felt the breath inside him stick and he watched as Dean walked back to Paddy and whispers something in his ear. Paddy pulled back and nodded slowly in agreement before following after him. Dean looked back to Castiel who stood watching him with a set jaw rooted to the spot he stood in till Dean gave in and walked out through the doors.

Castiel exhaled pained feeling on the verge of a panic attack and turned practically running to the end and walked into the back room. He dropped down on the couch and pressed his head into his hands feeling an inner storm inside you. It was fiery, dark, painful, and something he didn't expect to feel so early on. Dean was right about the jealously which laughed and ate away at him slowly when revealing images of Dean and Paddy played in his mind like a movie. His heart ached and he struggled looking over and around the empty room.

His phone next to him rang gently and he pulled it towards him and flicked it open.

"Cassy"

"Balthazar" he whispered and closed his eyes.

"This is probably stupid but I feel bad for leaving on bad terms"

"No, no, it was all me and I'm so sorry"

"It's okay, you're young and you deserve to have a little fun"

Castiel chuckled and trailed his fingers over his knee. "Where are you?"

"Near the interstate, I'll be late this evening. It's times like these when I hate this fucking job"

"You love it really"

Balthazar hummed not knowing whether to agree with him or not. "I'll see you later"

"Okay"

"I love you"

"You too" Castiel whispered and snapped the phone shut and dropped it on the floor. His eyes shut and he moved to lie down feeling sick at the thought of Dean seducing that other man and curled in on himself wanting nothing more than to forget.

**~0~0~0~**

"Here" Dean said handing over $30 to Paddy. "All that for walking out with me"

"I could… if you wanted to" he murmured with a wink.

"No, Paddy, move along" Dean said watching him climb out of the car and walk away. Dean leaned against the seat and slammed his fist against the steering wheel knowing he had probably made a big mistake but it felt so good to see the pain and jealously. It meant he still felt for him.

Dean drove around for what seemed like hours but it wasn't and two hours later he found himself and his car waiting outside the gallery. Dean climbed out knowing it was closing hours and darted inside him quickly keeping to the shadows. He peeked into see no one around and knew it was false hope and he would just be escorted out anyway if he wasn't here. Dean walked around looking for any sign and came towards a door at the back and peeked in to see a dim light and a figure on the couch.

"Whoa" he murmured and slunk in closing it behind him and looked down at Castiel sleeping peacefully. Dean dropped down on one knee and shook him gently watching Castiel stir and sit up startled.

"You fell asleep" Dean murmured.

Castiel stared at him and glanced down at his watch feeling sick and looked over to him.

"Shouldn't you be balls deep in some pretty boy?"

"Oh crude language"

"Well shouldn't you?"

"No, I sent him away" Dean whispered and moved to stand up when Castiel gripped his wrist to stop him from moving.

"So you didn't?"

"No"

"Why not?"

"He's not that pretty"

"Dean…"

"I couldn't" Dean whispered staring up at him all sleepy eyed and confused.

"You were right" Castiel murmured after a long minute of silence. "I did feel jealously"

"Isn't nice is it?"

"No, I didn't like the way you looked at him, he looked at you, and my head feels like it's stuck in a cotton candy machine"

Dean smirked amused and reached up trailing a hand into his hair. Castiel swallowed when Dean brought him forward cupping the side of his face staring into his eyes.

"What do you feel now?"

"I don't know" he whispered shifting closer to him. "I know that I keep dreaming about you and some of them aren't good but…"

Dean cut him off bringing him into a soft kiss leaving Castiel to whimper and pull away.

"Dean, I can't…"

"It's okay, it's okay, just don't think" Dean murmured kissing the corner of his mouth, Castiel responded fisting a hand into his t-shirt and moving his lips against his. Dean brought him down so he was kneeling on the floor with him and pushed his tongue into his mouth tasting old coffee and moaned low. Castiel drew away shakily and clung to him shaking when Dean shushed him kissing the dip in his collarbone. In Dean's eyes it was a breakthrough but it was the smallest crack in the wall Castiel had built around him and all he needed was more time to break it down and take back what was his.

**A/N: You're all awesome. I love the feedback and you're all over excited about this. Please review! **


	8. Chapter 8

Dean knew without a doubt that Castiel was avoiding him. It had been three days since their kiss and a flash of déjà vu reminded Dean of earlier times. Castiel was ignoring his phone calls and no matter how many times he tried to reach out he was rejected. Dean returned to the art gallery but he wasn't there and if he was he didn't make himself known, he dared not go to the apartment and confront him in case he got Balthazar instead.

Sam clapped his hands in front of Dean who jumped out of his daydream and scowled deeply.

"What?"

"You look like a lost puppy, what's wrong?"

"Nothing"

"Liar"

"Shut up, Sammy"

"I'm only trying to help! If you tell me what's wrong then maybe I could help you"

"Oh okay, I kissed Cas, three times actually, and now he's ignoring me so I feel like a huge jackass" Dean replied sarcastically. "So, Doctor Sam, tell me what I should do?"

"You kissed him?"

"Yep, two times drunk, one time sober, and now the dick is ignoring me like a stupid child"

"Well I don't blame him! He's engaged, Dean, how could you be so stupid?"

"I love him!" Dean shouted back at him.

Sam sobered up at that little fact and shook his head slowly. "He's still with another man, Dean, and you can't blame him for ignoring you and wanting to hide away"

"I couldn't care less who he is with because he kissed me back. I left that art gallery knowing I had made a breakthrough and now he's ignoring me like last time"

"Last time was different"

"Like I said, I don't care"

Dean moved away and sat down in front of the television turning it on and kicking back. Sam rolled his eyes exasperated at his brother and walked over dropping down next to him.

"If you want him, fight for him"

"I've tried"

"Clearly not hard enough"

"I've tried all I can think of! What else can I do?"

"Anything you want, Dean, because sitting here and doing nothing isn't going to win him back. You're only going to lose him more"

Dean sighed looking over to him and threw up his hands in defeat.

"Fine" he muttered and stood up. "The apartment, I can hope his fiancé isn't there"

"If he is what does it matter, you were once friends"

"Or fuck buddies"

"Dean!"

"I'm going!" he said walking out of the living area. Sam shook his head and whistled at Bones who walked over and sat down leaning into his touch.

"What are we going to do with him?" he murmured staring down at him.

Dean walked up the stairs of the apartment and stood outside of the door giving himself a moment before knocking. Castiel looked up from his laptop and pulled open the door freezing in surprise.

"Dean"

"Hey! So you've been ignoring me!" Dean said brightly and sobered up staring at Castiel with hard eyes.

"I'm sorry…"

"Yeah sure, is anyone in?"

"No, no one is in I…" he said and moved out of the way when Dean barged inside looking around and hummed in approval. Castiel sucked in his bottom lip and shut the door gently before turning around to face him.

"Why are you here?"

"Came to see you since you are ignoring my cute ass"

"Dean, I'm not ignoring you, I'm staying away"

"Why?"

"Why? Dean, we kissed and I'm engaged"

"You know what I'm getting really tired of hearing that" Dean snapped pointing a finger at him. "You're ridiculous for even mentioning it because you know what, Cas, engaged men do not go around and kiss other men"

"It was a mistake!"

"Everything is a fucking mistake with you!" Dean raged at him watching him flinch back.

"What do you want me to say or even do?"

"I want you to man the fuck up and start accepting things, Cas"

"Accepting what?"

"What you really feel"

"I feel nothing" Castiel muttered shaking his head side to side quickly. Dean shook his own in disappointment.

"It's like an endless circle isn't it? You love Balthazar, you're an engaged man, and then you kiss me, tell me you're dreaming about me, you get jealous when I'm speaking to another man but when finally a breakthrough is made you shut yourself back in"

"Because it's the right thing to do, I can't look him in the eye anymore and I feel guilty because he tells me over and over again that he loves me and I do, I love him too, but there's something overriding that and I can't…"

Dean stepped forward crushing their mouths together and feeling Castiel moan surprised. Dean's hands moved twirling his hands into Castiel's hair and tugging gently, Castiel gasped opening his mouth wider pushing his tongue against Dean's. The kiss was hot and languid till they broke apart, chests heaving, their breath mixing together, and Dean swallowed hard staring into his eyes.

"Well"

"That was bad, that was very, very, bad" Castiel whispered.

"But really good at the same time" Dean murmured with a smirk stroking his hands down his side and pulling him flush against him. Castiel stared up at him feeling Dean stroke his hands across his hips and midriff.

"Dean" he whispered in a broken voice and shut his eyes when his mouth moved to kiss and suck gently on his neck. Castiel fisted his hands into his shirt and let his head fall back falling completely under his spell for now.

The spell was broken though when they heard a car door slam and Castiel pulled back with a gasp.

"He's back" he hissed and gripped Dean's arm shoving him into the bedroom and into the closet. Dean stared at him with wide eyes and looked around the semi dark cupboard and nearly laughed out loud at how ridiculous this really was.

Castiel stepped out to see Balthazar come in looking tired but happy.

"Hello, love"

"Hello" Castiel murmured wiping his mouth gingerly and stepping towards him. Balthazar kissed the corner of his mouth and stepped back staring at him confused.

"Are you feeling okay?"

"No, we have no food and you have the card so I know you've just got back but I will love you forever more if you just go out, now, and get…some" he said awkwardly.

Balthazar raised an eyebrow baffled and nodded. "Sure, anything in particular?"

"Anything, I'm starved" he said with a small smile.

"Okay" Balthazar murmured with an amused chuckle and stepped out of the door once again. Castiel hovered waiting for the engine to go and the squeal of the wheels as he went away before running into the bedroom and yanking the cupboard door open.

"You have to go now!" he hissed dragging him out.

"I feel like I'm eighteen all over again and not a twenty four year old man!" he said looking to Castiel who rolled his eyes pulling him to the door. Dean pulled him towards him kissing him hard and pulling back.

"Ignore me or stay away again and I'll hunt your ass down" he hissed.

"Go" Castiel whispered opening the door watching Dean sigh and walk out of the door. Castiel slammed it shut and leaned against the wood breathing hard and straightened up regaining his composure. His lips tingled and he reached up brushing his fingertips over his bottom lip and closed his eyes relishing the memory.

The kisses he shared with Dean only minutes ago were nothing like he had with Balthazar and he wasn't trying to compare them but Castiel felt more in those kisses than he had done in years.

Dean stood outside looking up at the blue sky and smirked staring down at the ground. It was more of a breakthrough for Dean who could still taste Castiel in his mouth and he longed for more. He slid inside the car waiting for him and turned up the music loud humming along happily and went for a drive.

**~0~0~0~**

The next day, Castiel stood in the art gallery surrounded by people he didn't know and sighed deeply looking over to Becky.

"Kill me" he mouthed over to her. Becky smirked shaking her head at him.

"That would be too easy" she whispered over to him. "Balthazar is in his element"

Castiel hummed low in his throat watching him circle around "special" guests and leaned against the wall sipping champagne. He was lost in thought over last night when he felt a gentle tug on his arm and looked up at a drunken Balthazar.

"I think…I made a few promotions"

"Well done, I'm proud of you"

"How proud?"

"How many drinks have you had?"

"None"

Castiel laughed softly shaking his head at him. "I think you've had a bit too many"

"I can handle my drink" he whispered tilting his chin up and kissing him gently. Castiel smiled pulling away and stroking a hand down his cheek.

"Of course you can"

"I love you, you know"

"Oh dear, are we at the "I love you" stage of the night now?"

"Let's go home" Balthazar whispered linking their hands together.

"We can't just cut and run"

"Yes, yes, we can" Balthazar murmured tugging his hand and dragging him across the gallery floor. Castiel looked back to Becky who pressed her lips together thoughtfully and watched them leave. Becky didn't know how to feel about this and she knew of Castiel's inner conflict over everything and hated she couldn't help him.

Castiel took his keys out and smiled when his arms wrapped around him and kissed his neck.

"You're too sexy"

"Stop it" Castiel hissed with a chuckle removing his arms and opened the passenger door. "Get in the car"

"So commanding" Balthazar breathed and slid into the leather seat. Castiel shut the door and stood there for a moment inhaling deeply and let it out in a big puff, he drove them home and fought back his smiles when Balthazar constantly decided to play with him.

"I love you more than my job!" Balthazar cried when Castiel opened their apartment door and they stumbled in together.

"You need to calm down" Castiel urged kicking the door closed behind him and placing two hands on his cheeks. Balthazar gripped his hips pushing him towards the bed devouring his mouth and pressing him into the mattress. Castiel shut his eyes folding his hands into his hair and they flashed open when he imagined another person kissing down his neck and chest. Dean's face flashed into his mind and he made a small sound of distress feeling sick with guilt. Balthazar moved up claiming his mouth once again, his hands drifting down to pop open his top button. Castiel bit his lip feeling Dean's name on his lips and he longed to shout out and gasped knowing what was going to come next and knew deep down he wouldn't be able to keep it in.

Castiel was prepared when suddenly Balthazar stopped pulling away from him and swore softly.

"Balthazar?"

He balked and covered his mouth dashing to the toilet and Castiel dropped on the cover letting out a breath of relief. Castiel turned his head to hear Balthazar retching into the toilet and moved over to the bathroom to see him kneeling next to the toilet.

"Why is it always champagne? I never learn my lesson" he moaned into his arm.

"Bed" Castiel whispered kissing the top of his head and helping him up.

"I'm sorry"

"Nonsense, it's okay" Castiel murmured back to him and helped him into the bedroom and back into bed. Castiel stood by watching him strip off and crawl under the covers breathing deeply completely unaware over how his fiancé was feeling.

Castiel walked back into the living area and ran a hand into his hair in despair, he knew if Balthazar hadn't thrown up they would be having sex right now and his mind would be filled with the images of Dean and _his_ name being moaned instead of Balthazar's. His jaw clenched and although he was glad to have returned to his home town and see his mom, his little sister, and baby brother he also hated that he had returned. Castiel hated and loved the fact that Dean had returned guns blazing into his life but it was affecting everything in his current life. It was destroying bit by bit his relationship and he was more than fine before Dean came along.

Snatching up his keys and redressing, Castiel stormed out with one intention on his mind as he drove back to the one house he thought he would never see again.

Dean was lying on his bed with earphones plugged in without a care in the whole damn world. He hadn't heard from him yet and it concerned him only a little but he knew what to do if the worst came to the worse.

Castiel stood outside staring at the flaky brown door and felt a wash of the memories hit him and he moved forward rapping the knocker. Sam who was sat in the kitchen looked up at the door and stepped towards it opening it up and blanched.

"Cas"

"Hello, Sam"

"Wow, um, what are you doing here?" Sam said stepping back to allow him inside and Castiel stared around the little hallway.

"I've come to see, Dean, is he here?"

"Yeah, yeah it's just me and him; the others are out of town at the moment"

"This may sound rude of me but I need more of a private moment with him, I think a few things need to be said"

Sam narrowed his eyes at him. "What's he done?"

"A lot more than I originally planned"

"Whatever he did, Cas, he didn't mean it"

"Will you give us privacy?"

"Sure" Sam said with a nod.

Castiel smiled softly in thanks and moved upstairs heading to the bedroom he hoped he still resided in and opened it up stepping inside. Dean opened his eyes and sat up staring at Castiel in surprise.

"I'm either dreaming or you're really here"

"This is no dream" Castiel said slamming the door behind him hard. Dean blinked and furrowed his brow confused.

"What's wrong?"

"You, it's you! Why did you have to come back into my life?" Castiel shouted angrily at him. "I've been here more than a week and look at what you've done already!"

"I've done nothing"

"You are so full of shit! The moment I arrived, Dean, you had a motive, you wanted to corrupt my mind! How could you do that to me?"

Dean pushed off the bed staring at him like he was insane. "No, no, that is bullshit! I didn't want to see you! Sam and Jo forced me to that fucking art gallery and I had to see you for the first time in six years and you looked fucking amazing. I had no motive; I had nothing but the need to have my best friend back"

"That ended five years ago!"

"Because of you!" Dean shouted furiously at him.

Downstairs, Sam listened to the shouting and swallowed hard looking down at Bones who whimpered by his legs.

"Come on, boy" he murmured grabbing his jacket and his leash. Sam stepped out into the semi warm night and tugged Bones with him.

"I tried so hard! You moved away, you left me all alone here and it broke me, Cas, but I tried for you. I called, I text you, I emailed every day wanting to feel that little bit of connection and you responded every time, you then came here and I spent a week with you. It was the last time I saw you and the last time I got to even hold you! I called every day and you ignored me, I couldn't do anything but wait!" Dean shouted angrily feeling every emotion he had bubble to the surface. "You ignored me and then I get a fucking letter telling me we're over! You ended it, Cas, you drove me out because you didn't want me in your new precious life, you didn't want me in this new life you had built and you wanted out. Castiel, the artist, the perfect example of a shit boyfriend"

"I ended it because I had to, you were fixated on me and you had no life. You told me you waited every day to speak to me!"

"I loved you, you stupid bastard! You were 100 miles away and I needed you! What did you want from me? One call every month, a text once in a blue moon and never see each other?"

"What was I supposed to do?"

"You were supposed to take my calls and stick by me. Instead you ended it and I slept with someone and even though it wasn't wrong of me it ruined the best thing I had ever had and lost" Dean said in a tight voice and looked away from him. "So don't you dare blame me for trying to get back in your life because you let me back in"

"I shouldn't have! I shouldn't have handed over that number because you are ruining everything!" Castiel shouted moving towards him.

"How am I?"

"Because you're taking over me, Dean, you're wielding yourself into my heart and my mind and I can't escape you! I nearly called _your _name out when Balthazar was all over me before"

"Lovely"

"No! No it's not!" Castiel shouted getting into his personal space. "Why couldn't you do what you wanted and left me alone?"

"Because I love you!" Dean shouted shoving him back. "I love your stupid ass so much I haven't been able to get over you; I have dated enough men and women to know that I can't! Constant dates thinking, they don't have your eyes, they don't smell the same, they aren't funny enough, they aren't good enough, and it was all because of you"

Castiel exhaled in his held breath staring into his fiery green eyes and went to step back when Dean gripped his arm keeping him in place.

"I shouldn't love you; I should hate you for how you treated me"

"Then why don't you?" Castiel hissed struggling in his grip.

"I just told you why and I've grown up, I've realised what I want, but you? You're hiding behind the great wall of Cas and hiding behind your precious fiancé"

"I'm not, I'm living my life"

"Yeah you are but you are not happy, Cas"

"You have no idea how I feel!"

"Yes I do!" Dean yelled at him letting go of Castiel who furiously went to hit him and gasped when Dean ducked and shoved him back till they hit the wall. Castiel groaned staring back at Dean breathing heavily.

"You feel something for me whether you are man enough to admit it or not"

"No"

"Stop being pathetic"

"Stop calling me names"

"Oh poor baby" Dean sneered and struggled pressing him back against the wall when he went to hit him again. "Stop trying to hit me"

"You're an asshole!" Castiel cried.

"Yeah I probably am but at least I'm not you"

Castiel exhaled shakily moving to shove him away. "I'm getting out of here and I don't want to see you again!"

"Sure you don't…you're such a little child!" Dean growled furiously. "I sometimes wish you hadn't told me how you felt all those years ago because right now I wouldn't be dealing with this shit!"

"So do I" Castiel hissed up at him and it was a low blow. Dean glowered angrily back at him and felt something inside him snap and he zeroed in on their close proximity. He didn't know how it happened but their lips were suddenly mashed together and Dean groaned pressing closer to him. Castiel brought his hands up fisting his hands into his hair pulling it tightly and feeling Dean groan and nip down on his bottom lip.

"Bastard" Dean hissed at him dragging him off the wall and throwing him down on the bed. Castiel stared up at him in anticipation and moaned when Dean moved down pulling him into a hot kiss. Clothes were shred quickly as they moved together and shifted up to the top of the bed and Dean spread his hands down his chest feeling the softness of his skin. Castiel stared down the length of his body pressed against his and threw back his head when Dean's lips pressed into his collarbone.

"Skip the foreplay" Castiel hissed at Dean who moved back up silencing him with a kiss.

"Shut up" he whispered against his lips but obeyed pulling open his drawer and grabbing a packet of lube which he ripped open with his teeth. Castiel stared up at him finding the action incredibly hot and bit his lip with a stifled moan when Dean spread his legs wide open and smeared the lube over the entrance. He moaned wriggled on the bed cover which despite how Dean felt made him smirk.

"Stay still!" Dean ordered pinning his wrists down for a moment before shifting his hand down and pressing a finger deep inside him and a second. Castiel cried out flexing his hands and fisting them into the covers and the pillow underneath him. There was nothing but the heat between them driven by anger and passion from the both them. Dean removed his fingers and slid up catching him in a deep kiss and slowly slid inside him.

"Dean, yes, oh god" he moaned clinging to his shoulders and wrapping his legs around his waist when Dean started to thrust inside him deeply. Dean angled his hips slamming deep inside him catching the sweet spot and erupting delicious moans of pleasure from Castiel who helplessly begged for more. It was fast paced, rough, and with no surrender as the headboard slammed into the wall behind them as they moved effortlessly together.

Castiel wrapped a hand around his own cock pumping in time with Dean's thrusts inside him and cried out loudly when Dean bit into his shoulder.

"You asshole" Castiel hissed fisting his hand into his hair tugging hard. Dean moved with his hand and looked down at Castiel who stared up at him and he shoved Castiel's hand away from his cock and wrapped his own hand around it.

Two shots of pleasure ran through Castiel who arched his back off the bed when Dean pumped him furiously along with his thrusts and smiled satisfied when Castiel writhed and climaxed with a heartfelt moan. It didn't take Dean long to press his forehead to Castiel's and come deeply inside of him. Sweat dripped down Dean and Castiel as the anger faded slowly and they stared at each other.

"Oh god" Dean murmured dropping down and resting on Castiel who pressed his nose and mouth into his sweaty hair. "Did I hurt you?"

"No, no, I'm okay" Castiel murmured and shut his eyes feeling exhausted. "I didn't expect that?"

"Really? I quite like angry sex" Dean whispered with a smirk. "I meant and didn't mean a lot of the things I said, Cas, but one thing is true. I do love you and I always have"

Castiel swallowed stroking a hand down his cheek and pressed his lips over his top lip tasting salt from his sweat and something sweeter. Dean smiled softly and pressed his face into the crook of his neck whilst Castiel closed his eyes feeling the guilt over cheating but it felt so right. It was just the matter of trying to work his way around it without broken hearts but it was a fool's hope.

**A/N: I update this lot more than I should but when I get excited over a story, I want to write and write and write. **

**Thank you so much for reviewing! I love your feedback so much. **


	9. Chapter 9

Dean lifted his head from Castiel's neck and sighed twisting them around. Castiel groaned fitting in between Dean's thighs and looked down at his earnest expression. It was the first time he noticed the engagement ring hanging between them and Dean wrapped a fist around it tugging on it hard. Castiel gasped when the string gave away and Dean chucked it half way across the room till it hit the wall with a sad thud.

Castiel stared across at it for a long moment before looking down at Dean who kissed him gently.

"I want you inside of me" Dean whispered raking his hands into Cas' hair so it stood up. Castiel smile gently down at him and licked his tongue into his mouth twisting it with his and pulled back grabbing the lube packet. Dean moaned rolling his hip upwards when Castiel moved down and spread the lube across his fingers and slid his finger deep inside him feeling the warm heat and stroked his finger deep inside him. Dean gasped craning his head back when shivers of pain and pleasure ran up and down his spine, he panted harder when Castiel bit down his lip slipping a second with the first and scissored his fingers.

"Yes, god, yes Cas" Dean hissed arching his hips up when he fucked him slowly with his fingers feeling the lube starting to heat up and removed them. Castiel brought his fingers up to his lips sucking down them slowly while Dean watched with a low moan.

"You're so hot" Dean murmured when he removed his fingers from his mouth with a pop.

"I know" Castiel murmured with a smirk and pressed the head of his cock against the line of his ass and waited till Dean greedily accepted him before sheathing inside of him. Dean linked their hands together with a gasp when he pinned them down by his head and fucked him deeply and slowly. His eyes rolled back when Castiel angled his hips perfectly fucking him even deeper and stroking against the prostrate on his second try.

"Yes, Cas, right there, god baby you're so good at this" Dean mumbled rocking against him. Castiel turned his head breathing hot air against his ear and smiling when Dean made a small sound of distress.

"Cas, please, harder" he murmured incoherent words against his cheek. Castiel kissed into the shell of his ear and proceeded fucking him harder into the mattress. Dean cried out in pleasure clinging to his back raking his nails down the sweaty skin, Castiel gasped feeling the scratches and bit down into his shoulder. '

Downstairs, Sam returned with an exhausted dog and listened carefully hearing nothing at first and moved to take off his jacket when he heard the creak of the bed and harsh moans.

"Oh my god" he whispered and grimaced in disgust. "Dammit, Dean"

Sam sighed slowly taking Bones to the back room and shutting him in with bowl of water and food. Bones curled up in his bed with a sigh when he shut the door.

Sam rolled his eyes when the noises increased and he walked back out and locked the door behind him going to stay with a friend. Sam knew this outcome was going to arise but he didn't think it would happen so soon but they both so unpredictable. But if there was one thing Sam knew, he knew that it would all end in tears.

"Yes!" Dean hissed arching against Castiel when he climaxed and panted into his neck as his orgasm swarmed over him. Castiel followed moments after collapsing against Dean who blinked in his hazy daze.

"Oh wow" Dean murmured pressing his lips against his. Castiel moaned nestling into his chest when Dean raked his hands down his back feeling him wriggle and pull out of him. Dean felt the trickle of come coating his ass and down the sheers.

"Don't leave" Dean begged cupping the back of his neck rolling them so they were facing each other and locked their hands and ankles together. Castiel sighed with a nod and let his head rest on the pillow shutting his eyes.

"No sleeping" Dean murmured into his ear. "We have a lot of catching up to do"

"Oh do we now?"

"Yep" Dean murmured sucking a warm path down the side of his neck. Castiel opened his eyes staring into his and Dean saw the sadness wallowing deep into his eyes.

"Let's see if I can remember…" Dean whispered pushing him on his back. Castiel frowned watching him move up and hover over him thoughtfully. Dean moved pressing his lips underneath his ear to the sensitive spot and sucked hard; Castiel gasped gripping his shoulder and stared at him in awe.

"Yep" Dean murmured. "I think I know all your weak spots…but let's see shall we?"

Castiel nodded slowly and gasped when Dean licked his tongue into his clavicle eliciting warm sounds of delight. He travelled down the rest of chest and sucked his nipple until a sharp cry escaped Castiel's lips.

"So sensitive" Dean murmured stroking his thumb over the rosy red bud and smirked gently at Castiel who looked back up at him and stroked his fingers down his cheek.

"I've missed you so much" Dean murmured moving his lips down his chest and down to stomach. Dean's tongue flicked into his belly button making Castiel chuckle and shove at his head gently. Dean ignored him and hummed kissing across his hipbone and feeling Castiel shiver and moan underneath his hands and knew it was another. Castiel gasped when his lips and stubble scratched along his inner thighs and he groaned fisting his hands into the pillow underneath him moaning his name.

Dean bit down into the soft flesh and sucked hard. Castiel gasped looking down at him and groaned dragging him up and claiming his lips once again.

"Do not tease me, Dean"

"Never" Dean murmured sitting up when Castiel climbed and straddled his waist. They continued on well onto the night reconnecting and learning about each other all over again. It was 3am when they collapsed exhausted and sore, Dean choosing to watch Castiel on the pillow next to him sleep. Dean looked across to the open window letting the light of the moon inside which reflected off Castiel's naked back. Dean admired his beauty, the soft arch in his back, his hair ruffled and disarrayed against the pillow, his eyelashes lay gently underneath his eyes, and he looked exhausted but beautiful.

He rolled towards him and pressed his lips gently on his temple. Dean rest against him feeling him breathe against his cheek gently and pulled back to look over him one more time. Dean would not let this go, he refused to have this one night and no more. It was only the beginning.

**~0~0~0~**

Castiel awoke from his sleep and groaned softly feeling sore and tender. His eyes travelled over to Dean curled next to him and he shut his eyes with a resigned sigh. Castiel moved away wincing at the pain in his lower back and stood collecting his clothes from the floor. He dressed swiftly and sat down gently on the bed staring out of the window.

Dean felt the movement and opened his eyes to see Castiel dressed and sitting in the edge of the bed. He bit his lip and knelt down near him and wrapped an around him.

"You can' regret this"

"Can't I?"

"No because it was meant to happen" Dean murmured into his ear.

Castiel closed his eyes leaning back into his warmth and opened them turning back to look at him.

"I have to go"

"It's 8 in the morning"

"Balthazar will wonder where I am" Castiel said moving out of his arms and moving over to pick up his engagement ring. Dean watched him place it in his pocket and turn back to face him.

"I don't regret it, Dean, but it was wrong of me"

"There's nothing wrong with what we did"

"Tell that to my fiancé" Castiel murmured looking at the door.

Dean knew his intention and crooked his finger beckoning him over. "Come here"

Castiel hesitated before moving over to him and sucking in a sharp breath when he dragged him down into his lap and pulling him into a rough kiss. Castiel teased his bottom lip with his teeth before pushing him back.

"I need to go"

"Fine, I'll call you later"

"I may answer" Castiel whispered kissing him goodbye and walking out of the bedroom. Dean dropped down with a grunt and turned his head burying into his pillow and inhaling his smell.

Castiel returned home to the apartment and sniffed at his clothing and skin smelling sex and Dean. He opened the apartment door and peered around to see no Balthazar yet and closed it softly wincing at the click, Castiel turned his head to see no one and walked into the bedroom to see him still deeply asleep. His feet took him forward and he touched his shoulder and shook him gently.

"What?" Balthazar said with a moan and looked up at him. "What are you doing awake?"

"I woke early" he lied and brushed a hand into his hair. "How are you feeling?"

"Sick, I need coffee" Balthazar said rising up and squinting at the time. "Be a love and make me one"

"I need a shower first but of course" Castiel said stepping back and moving into the bathroom. He leant against the closed door and felt tears coat his eyes before fighting them back and switching on the shower. He turned the water to hot and stepped under it feeling the water beat down on his skin and he washed away the traces that Dean left. Castiel dropped his head to see a dark bruises on his inner thigh and hissed slamming his palm against the tiled wall cursing Dean for leaving his mark on him.

Balthazar sat up rubbing his temples and taking two tablets. Castiel stepped inside wearing nothing but a towel which intrigued Balthazar who admired him.

"I remember last night…I'm sorry, darling"

"It's okay, really, you were drunk"

"Come here"

Castiel stared at him and walked over kneeling down next to him and waited with baited breath when Balthazar stroked a hand across his collarbone.

"Where's your engagement ring?"

"It's…in my pocket"

"Why?"

"I got a shower"

"You never usually take it off in a shower"

"Well today I thought better" Castiel lied with a small smile and moved away pulling out a clean pair of jeans and a black shirt.

"Sexy" Balthazar noted when he nodded and threw the towel in the corner of the room. Castiel didn't know what to say or do but simply walked back out and turned on the kettle. His eyes swam with images of last night and he could still feel Dean's caress down his skin, his lips sucking and biting against his skin and his lips. It made his heart pound faster and he needed it once more. Dean was like a drug, a dangerous, consuming, and life altering drug that he needed all the same. Castiel was so lost in his thoughts he jumped startled when Balthazar touched the base of his spine.

"Only me, are you alright?"

"I'm perfectly content" Castiel responded stirring sugar into the coffee and handing it over. "Just a little jumpy today"

"You smell nice"

"Do I?" he murmured and gasped when Balthazar tugged him against his chest and kissed him softly. Castiel responded for a moment before pulling back and wrinkling his nose.

"You smell of champagne and taste like sick and coffee"

Balthazar chuckled removing his arms and walking away into the bathroom. Castiel walked over snatching up his left phone and dialled Becky's number.

"Hello?"

"I need to speak to you now"

**~0~0~0~**

Dean hummed along with the radio waiting for his breakfast to cook when the door slammed behind him and he turned to see Sam.

"Sammy!" Dean said brightly. "Pancakes?"

"No, where's Cas?"

"Not here" Dean said with a raised eyebrow. "Why would he be here?"

"Because you fucked him, Dean, I left to give you two privacy and when I came back it wasn't a screaming argument I heard it was you two fucking!" Sam raged at him. "Are you actually insane?"

"Nope, I'm perfectly sane, Sam, it just happened"

"Oh really"

"Yeah, I was fully prepared to kick his stupid ass for the things he was saying to me but we ended up fucking in my bed instead" Dean said taking a bite of the pancake and chewing thoughtfully. "I didn't plan for it and I certainly don't regret it"

"You're…you're so stupid!" Sam cried gesturing his hands at him. "You've broken a relationship, Dean, he is engaged to him! Cas must love him or he wouldn't be betrothed to the guy!"

"You know what, Sam, I am sick to death of hearing that stupid word! Engaged? He's not engaged he's stuck to the man who gave him his life. Cas wouldn't have come to me or even spent a second with me if he loved the man that gave him the ring he wears around his fucking neck" Dean shouted back at him. "I love him"

"I don't doubt that Dean but if Cas wants this then he had to end it with this guy"

"Balthazar" Dean said with a sneer.

"He has to call it off"

"I know he does but if he's behind a wall, Sam, I can't reach him for just yet"

"Dean…"

"I can't, Sam, I need more time"

"To fuck him?"

"I wouldn't count on it" Dean said with a resigned sigh.

"Do you feel no regret?"

"Why should I? It takes two people to tango as they would say and it wasn't just me. So don't start blaming me for what happened"

Sam stood by and watched him leave the kitchen and retreat back upstairs. Dean kicked the door closed and fell back on his bed plugging his earphones in and listening to the hard rock music thud against his eardrums. It was soothing and he drummed his fingers on his stomach still feeling Castiel's presence still next to him.

In the art gallery, Becky stared at Castiel expressionless.

"You had sex with Dean?"

"Yes"

"Last night?

"Yes"

"Holy shit"

"Yes"

Becky sat back and covered her eyes with a loud groan. "Why!"

"We argued badly and things were said over and over again…I went to walk away and the next thing I know I'm kissing him and he's shoving me on the bed and we're having…very hot angry sex…all night"

"All night?"

"I'm exhausted" he murmured with a chuckle. "I know, I know it's wrong and I've cheated on him in the worst way possible and I feel so guilty but at the same time…it doesn't feel wrong"

"Because you love him"

"It still isn't right, Becky"

"So what are you going to do about it?"

"I don't know"

"Listen to me, okay, because you're in a mess, a huge mess, and you need to understand this, Cas, because Balthazar loves you, he loves you so much and I know you love him too but sometimes it isn't enough and there is always someone else. You need to think about what you really want and not just...hot, passionate, sex, as good as it is"

Castiel smirked looking down at his hands. "My mind is in two different places"

"You need to talk to Dean"

"Really?" he murmured softly.

"Yes! You need to sit down and talk to him before you end up making a bigger mess than it already is"

"It seems like I'm always making messes"

Becky hummed in approval and looked around. "Not all the time, I mean look around you, Castiel, look at what you've created and achieved in all these years. Dean hasn't always been there but Balthazar has and he helped create this"

"So I owe him?"

"No but you have to realise what he's done for you"

Castiel looked away from her and sighed deeply knowing she was right and pulled out his cell texting Dean.

**We need to talk. Apartment in one hour, everyone is out. **

Balthazar had gone to work moody and hung-over so it was empty. Castiel bit his lip at the thought of seeing him since this morning, he returned home and paced feeling anxious and decided to get another shower. Castiel stood in the warm water feeling it pound on top of his head and stared at the swirling water falling down the plughole feeling queasy.

He scrubbed a hand over his eyes and switched it off. Castiel dressed in a pair of grey jogger bottoms and ran a towel into his hair when the door went.

Dean looked around in case anyone was watching and turned when the door opened.

"You're early" Castiel murmured when Dean stared at him open mouthed and wide eyed.

"Yeah…I'm really glad I did come early" Dean murmured stepping inside and closing the door. Castiel moved backwards whilst Dean undressed him with his eyes.

"So I'm here for a talk"

"Yes…yes we need to…" he said trailing off when Dean wrapped a hand around his wrist tugging him to his chest and kissing him into silence. Castiel eagerly responded wrapping his arms around his neck moving his lips against his and moaning when he pushed him against the wall.

"These are amazing" Dean whispered sliding his hands down to his joggers and tugging them down. Castiel smiled when he kicked them away and pressed his body against his feeling his chest heave with his.

"I can't stop thinking about you"

"I've been gone a few hours, we're meant to be talking"

"We are" Dean responded sliding down him and pressing his mouth against the head of his cock. Castiel gasped letting his head fall with a thud when Dean took him down sucking hard. It was a warm heavy weight in Dean's mouth and he hummed around his cock, Castiel gasped bucking his hips and driving his cock harder into his mouth desperate for more heat and more friction. It didn't long for him as he twisted his hands into his short hair and climaxed deep into Deans throat.

Dean swallowed him down eagerly and moved his lips to suck gently on his head. Castiel whimpered at how sensitive he was and tugged at him to move up and kissed him hard.

"Bed" Dean growled shoving him towards the bedroom. Castiel looked behind him to the bedroom and swallowed hard but didn't stop him when he shoved him onto the bed. Castiel just accepted it and soon he was sheathed on Dean pressing him against the headboard as he rode him hard. It was frantic, full of desperate need, and rough enough it had both of them panting for more. Dean buried his face into Castiel's neck when he came hard deep into Castiel, Castiel breathed hard pressing his mouth against his forehead and climaxed stroking white stripes of his come across his stomach.

They lay together in the warm soaked sheets feeling come and sweat soak between them unnoticed.

"I didn't expect to be doing this"

"Didn't you?" Dean breathed cupping his cheek and kissing him tenderly. "I did as soon as you opened that door wearing nothing but them…which I think you should wear more often"

"Because they're easier to get into you pervert" Castiel murmured when Dean shoved him so he was lying on his back with Dean settled in between his thighs.

"I think we need to talk" Dean whispered. "This has happened twice now, it's practically an affair"

"I'm not married"

"Not yet but it's still an affair, baby, and I don't think it's ending anytime soon do you?"

"I don't know" Castiel murmured and closed his eyes when Dean trailed his hands down the side of his ribs feeling him hum in response.

"So what do we do?"

"We do this" Castiel murmured spinning them around and kissing him earnestly. Dean smiled entangling his hand into his hair keeping him in place and didn't know what was going to happen now but whatever it was; it sent an excited thrill for the both of them.

**A/N: Ha, naughty behaviour! Enjoy everyone! Hehe!**


	10. Chapter 10

Castiel lay in bed staring at the luminous light from the alarm clock and sighed deeply. Balthazar's arm was wrapped loosely around his waist and his breath hot and gentle against the base of his spine, the guilt gnawed away at the pit of his stomach. It had been two days since he had last seen Dean and he craved him more than anything. Work seemed to be busier than usual and he had no time for Dean or anything else at the moment.

He sighed rolling on to his back shutting his eyes when his phone hummed next to him. Castiel looked over to it baffled and looked at the time, 3.23am, and pulled it towards him.

**Dean.**

**Outside now!**

Castiel swallowed looking over to Balthazar and slid out of his arm, he froze looking over to Balthazar who snorted and rolled over to his side. Castiel shut his eyes slowly letting out a puff of air and moved out of the bedroom and opened the front door. His eyes roamed around the darkness and he stepped outside.

"Dean?" he whispered.

Sudden movement startled him and he gasped when he was pushed against the stone wall. Dean smirked at him when he stared at him in shocked awe and pulled him into a fierce kiss.

"Why are you here at 3am?"

"I haven't seen you in two days"

"Work" Castiel said with a small sigh trailing his hands into his hair and smiling when Dean trailed his nose and mouth up his cheek.

"I've missed you"

"I know"

"I've also missed this a great deal" Dean murmured moving his hands down into his black pyjama bottoms and cupped him. Castiel gasped clinging to his upper arms and shaking his head at him.

"Is sex all you think about, Dean?"

"Sometimes" Dean whispered taking hold of his chin and stroking his tongue into his mouth and feeling him harden instantly under his touch. "But I think about you more, I need your help tomorrow"

"What?"

"Jo's birthday is coming up and if you remember, I am a hopeless case"

"I do" Castiel whispered and moaning when Dean kissed his throat. "I'll help you"

"Good" Dean whispered staring into his eyes. Castiel's mouth flickered into another small smile, kissed him quickly and pulled away.

"You have to leave I need my sleep"

"Don't be a spoilsport, come to the car"

"I would but I can't, Dean, he'll notice I'm gone" Castiel murmured softly. Dean's eyes shown his frustration and he nodded mutely.

"I'll call later on"

"Okay" Castiel muttered softly and shut his eyes when Dean leaned into to kiss him and dodged.

"I love you" Dean murmured against the shell of his ear and moved away leaving him slumped against the wall. His dark figure retreated into the night leaving Castiel to watch till he disappeared and he returned inside. Castiel stood at the frame of the door watching Balthazar sleep on stroking his fingers across his bottom lip still tasting Dean on his tongue. It sent a thrill up his spine and he smiled looking down at the worn brown carpet but his own guilt drove him to the laundry cupboard dragging out a spare blanket. Castiel wrapped it around his shoulders curling up into the corner of the couch and holding a book out in front of him. He sighed flicking it open and started to read.

Balthazar noticed the lack of heat by his side and opened one eye looking over his shoulder to the emptiness. He grunted pushing up and padding out of the room to see tucked up and buried deep into a book unaware of his presence. Balthazar didn't know what to make of this and cocked his head confused walking over to him and pressing a hand on his shoulder.

Castiel jumped clutching his heart. "You scared me"

"Why are you awake?"

"Restlessness, dear" Castiel murmured shutting the book and craning his head back to look at him. "Go back to bed"

"Not without you"

Castiel looked away licking his chapped lips and threw the book down. "Okay"

Balthazar waited patiently when he circled the couch and moved back into the bedroom, his brow furrowed and he walked after him grabbing hold of his hand and tugging him back.

"What's wrong and don't lie" he ordered staring into his openly confused eyes.

"Nothing, I just can't sleep"

"That's a lie, Cas, and I told you not to lie to me. I know you; I know that when you lie you look away from me"

Castiel swallowed when he threw down his hand. "I'm not lying, I'm tired and I can't sleep"

"Sure" Balthazar said with a nod walking around him and climbing back under the covers. "Do whatever you want"

Castiel hovered near the door and inhaled deeply and exhaled turning on his heel and climbing back into the bed. Pressing a hand against his back, Castiel closed his eyes at the heat emanating and gasped softly when he turned over and gripped his hand.

"You lied to me"

"I'm not lying"

"Promise?"

"Yes" he murmured looking down at him. Balthazar bit into the soft flesh of his bottom lip before bringing him down and kissing him gently. Castiel responded and pulled away pressing a hand on his cheek stroking down it softly.

"Sleep"

Balthazar's eyes fluttered close and left Castiel to watch over him whilst he slept once again. Castiel looked up staring across the mirror on the floor and could see the faint outline of his reflection staring back at him, he knew if anyone knew of his deceit apart from Becky and probably, Sam, they would be ashamed. Sleep felt heavy on his eyes and he dropped down on the pillow with a weary sigh and shut them eagerly accepting unconsciousness.

**~0~0~0~**

Ellen raised an eyebrow at Sam when Dean came bumbling in singing loudly.

"Don't even ask" Sam said with a wave of his hand.

"Well I'm gonna, why is he so fucking happy?"

"One guess"

"Castiel"

Sam nodded with a raised eyebrow and spread jam on his toast. "They're having sex"

"What?"

"Yeah" Sam murmured in agreement. "Well I heard them the other night having a huge argument and the next I know I can hear them having sex"

"He's engaged"

"Don't say that to Dean, he claims that Castiel doesn't really love Balthazar and the word engaged means nothing"

"Bullshit" she said horrified and stood up following Dean out into the yard. Dean threw a piece of bacon to Bones who caught it and chewed it happily; he smiled tilting his head back to feel the warm glow of the sunshine unaware of Ellen. Ellen tugged him hard giving him a brutal slap that left him reeling and stumbling back.

"What the hell!" he cried cupping his stinging cheek and staring at an enraged Ellen.

"You stupid, naïve, and pathetic boy!" she raged slapping his arm. "Fucking an engaged man? It's like something out of those corny films!"

"What!"

"You heard me! What were you thinking?"

"Oh leave it, Ellen" he said with a deep scowl. "It's nothing, it's over"

"What do you mean?" Ellen said stopping in her stride.

"That we had our argument, we got rid of this…tension between us, and it's done. He loves Balthazar, not me, so I've left him to it. He leaves in a few weeks so I'm going to do my best to stay away and live my life" Dean said determinedly and rubbed his sore cheek. "You got some right hook"

Ellen narrowed her eyes watching him carefully and straightened up with a small nod.

"Let's keep it that way" Ellen said in a cool voice. Dean kicked the dirty ground and hated the fact he had to lie to her but if meant protecting them both for now then he would. Ellen returned inside to see Sam look up at her curiously.

"It's over apparently, one fuck and goodbye"

"No way" he murmured casting his eyes over to the backdoor in disbelief.

"Who knows what to believe" she replied grabbing the cup of coffee and returning upstairs. Sam tapped his fingers against the table thinking hard before joining Dean out in the sunshine.

"One fuck and goodbye" Sam repeated standing at his side. "Is that true?"

"No, I just had to tell that to Ellen before she beat me to death" he spoke in a tired tone. "We're…still…well you know"

"Dean…"

"It'll do for now, Sam"

"You're going to break another man's heart, Dean; can you really live with that?"

Dean turned to face him and nodded. "I get Cas back in every way I want, he's just the same but with more wisdom and more technique"

"Eurgh" Sam said with a wrinkle of his nose. Dean laughed and turned back to face the sun.

"He's up for it and so am I"

"I don't get it though, why would you want him like this?"

"Because he's not ready, Sam, I've told you this. I start demanding, I lose him"

"Is he worth it?" Sam murmured softly looking down at the ground.

Dean bit his lip and turned to face him dead on.

"Like I told him during that argument, I date men, women, and I woo them and fuck them, it's how a 20th century date takes place these day without the food involved. I date them and the one thing constantly running through my head is… they're not him and they never will. Six years ago I fell in love with my best friend like he did with me and we both ruined it with selfishness, greed, and something we couldn't handle. He's back and yeah he's engaged but I had him first and I want him last" Dean said staring into Sam's eyes with a soulful stare. "I can't help it and I don't want to stop till I know in my heart he's all mine once again"

Dean stepped back and whistled at Bones who ran after him as they walked back into the house. Sam turned his head feeling him disappear and looked up at the blue sky feeling the warmth prickle his skin and knew spring was leaving and summer was entering.

Dean pulled out his cell and dialled his number as he walked.

"Hello, Dean" Castiel said answering the call.

"Hey, Casanova, please tell me you are still up for today"

"Of course, I cancelled all plans"

"Okay, well wear…breezy clothes"

"Breezy? What…Dean?" he cried and heard the dial tone.

Castiel sighed dropping his phone. "You've not changed"

Dean arrived outside the apartments with a soft purr of the engine signalling his arrival. Castiel stepped out wearing khakis and a white t-shirt and slid inside the car and took down his sunglasses.

"Smooth" Dean commented and tugged him over kissing him hot and roughly.

"If you say so" Castiel breathed against his lips and smiled when he growled low nipping at his jaw. "Drive"

Dean laughed softly moving him back gently and shifting her into gear. Castiel leaned back looking at the sights as they passed by and soon they were in town.

"We are here for Jo?"

"Yep" Dean said parking her up and stepping out. "I'm useless at shopping for girls"

"So you're asking a gay man to help you out"

"Nope, I'm asking you" Dean said poking his side as they walked together. Castiel chuckled swatting his hand away and looked at the dozen of shops.

"So where do we start? What are her preferences for presents?"

"Not a clue" Dean replied giving him a sidelong glance. "Help"

"Come on" Castiel said with a sigh taking him into the nearest shop.

Dean circled the items and picked up a blue vase. "How about this"

"You can't be serious"

"Why not?"

"Because it is not a birthday present, Dean, don't you know anything about women?"

"Nope" Dean said honestly shaking his head much to Castiel's amusement.

"What kind of perfume does she like?"

"Exotic"

"Are you sure?"

"No"

"You're hopeless" Castiel muttered walking away from him. "She is your sort of sister, Dean; surely you have watched and know what she likes"

"Fine, let's go the perfume shop like big girls" Dean growled moving out of the busy shop closely followed by Castiel.

They browsed the sections of the new shop and Dean sniffed a product in disgust.

"This is disgusting" he called loudly earning a disapproving look from the sales woman who huffed walking away from them both. Castiel glowered at Dean who stifled his laughter and aimed to squirt it at Castiel who shoved his hand away playfully.

"Stop it and choose one"

"You're sexy when you're commanding"

"I said choose one"

"Talk dirty to me" Dean purred into ear as he walked by and winked at him when he flushed embarrassed. Dean stopped picking up a blue bottle sniffing it and pulled away with approval.

"I think she may like this"

"You are one hundred per cent sure?"

"Yeah, this one please" he called to the sales woman and flashed a dazzling smile of apology. She blushed and wrapped it up nicely for him before handing it over and taking the money.

"Have a nice day"

"Don't tell me what to do" Dean replied with a stony expression and laughed when Castiel dragged him away calling out apologies.

"What the hell was that, Dean?"

"Dude, have you ever seen Drake and Josh on Nickelodeon? No, well it's awesome and I don't care" Dean replied with bright eyes and a chuckle. Castiel closed his eyes in horror and followed him out.

"You are still a little child inside aren't you?"

"Yep and proud, baby, now get in the car" Dean said jumping in. "We're taking a little detour and having a little fun"

Castiel slid into the seat and watched him with a growing affection that had never dampened. Dean was in full stride as they drove them the miles to the beach they used to come as children, Castiel noticed and sat up a little straighter when he noticed the familiar sight of the beach.

"Dean, you remembered"

"Of course I remembered" Dean said shooting him an annoyed look and stepping out of the car. "That's why I told you to wear breezy clothes"

"I understand now" Castiel murmured looking out across the beach to see dozens of people sunbathing, walking, playing, swimming in the water, and generally having a lovely day. Castiel smiled when Dean smirked beckoning at him to follow him and they walked down the steps onto the soft sand. Castiel inhaled deeply taking in the smell of the sea air and wet sand feeling finally at home and placed his sunglasses on his eyes.

"Come on" Dean said to him as they walked down the beach together to try and find a more secluded area. Dean reached out for Castiel when he walked ahead and tugged him back so they were joined together.

"You want to know something ridiculous?"

"Yes" Castiel murmured linking his arms around his neck and smiling when Dean took away his sunglasses and tossed them on the sand below them.

"That you are even more attractive in the sun"

"It's deluding your mind"

"Never" Dean whispered as they moved towards each other and kissed softly and languidly. Castiel chuckled when he shoved him away and pulled him towards the water.

"Dean, no" Castiel hissed pressing his heels into the sand but to no avail as he was tugged down towards the water.

"Is Castiel afraid of getting wet?"

"No, I just don't want to and…" he said and was cut off when Dean splashed the cold water at him. Castiel glowered at him for a long moment before charging forward and shoving him into the water. Dean gasped when the coldness of the sea struck him and he pulled him with him as they struggled together.

"You're going down, Milton" Dean teased moving to kick under his feet when Castiel dodged and kicked his instead.

"No, Winchester, you are" he said when Dean flailed backwards swearing and fell under the water. Castiel laughed brightly moving back when he spluttered emerging from the cold sea and glared furiously at him.

"You're dead! Come here!" Dean yelled at him when he laughed running out of the water. Dean ran after him and caught him tugging him down onto the soft sand, Castiel landed on top of it with a soft groan.

"You caught me" Castiel murmured reaching up a hand to brush away the soaked lock of hair resting against his forehead. Dean looked down at him with no emotion in his expression and eyes for a second before dragging him into a seating position and straddling his waist. Castiel wrinkled his nose when his wet clothes touched his but didn't mind when Dean stroked his hand into his hair.

"I remember coming here for the first time; it was before we knew how we really felt about each other"

"You kept talking about Cassandra Robinson and I was so jealous because you really liked her and she liked you but it was complicated"

"We spent all day playing in the sea, eating ice-cream and eventually just sunbathed for hours on end" Dean murmured trailing his fingers across his collarbone.

Castiel laughed softly at the memory. "We were so sunburnt, my mom freaked out about skin cancer"

"Those were good times"

"Yeah…for you" Castiel said lying back down and staring up at Dean. "I wanted to kiss you here…underneath the sun, the sand, and the general happiness that comes with the package of spending the day at the beach. I wanted this place to be our first kiss"

Dean noticed the wistfulness in his eyes linger there before disappearing for good.

"Instead it was a drunken fumble on a hill"

"It's our hill"

"Indeed" Castiel murmured staying still when Dean interlocked their fingers together and brought him up placing a gentle kiss on his lips.

"We all have our dreams but sometimes they arrive but not in the way we want" Dean said carefully and climbed off him holding out his hand. "Ice-cream?"

"Yes please" Castiel murmured when he was hauled up. They travelled along the rest of the beach back towards the stand where ice-cream was sold. Dean bought two and handed one over to him when his eyes lit up in delight.

"I have missed ice-cream; it's been far too many years"

"I forgot you're on a diet"

"Not anymore thanks to you, Dean Winchester"

"Pleasure to have been in service in more ways than one" Dean said licking the cool vanilla onto his tongue and humming in his own pleasure. Castiel watched him with curiosity and moved towards him when a dollop landed on his top lip; he bent towards him licking it off with a sweep of tongue and looked into his eyes with a smile.

"That…that was hot" Dean murmured eagerly moving towards him when they kissed and could taste sand and vanilla in Castiel's mouth. Dean's hand pressed into the small of his back holding him in place and kissing gently down his jaw. Castiel smiled resting his cheek against his and understood why he fell in love with him all those years ago. A brand new side of Castiel always emerged around Dean that he never had with Balthazar. It was difficult for Castiel to compare them but with moments and days like this, Castiel wondered why he ever left Dean and was deeply curious about the life they could have shared.

"Should we go into the backseat or…?"

"We have plenty of time for sex" Castiel whispered pretending to bite the tip of his nose. "Let's go explore some more, get some beer, and enjoy the rest of our day before we return to the backseat ending up a lot sweatier than we are now"

"Fantastic idea" Dean said smacking his ass and letting him lead the way.

**~0~0~0~**

Balthazar arrived home earlier than suspected and opened the door to an empty apartment.

"Cassy?" Balthazar shouted looking around and stopping only to hear the hum of the fridge and the tick of the clock around him. "Home alone"

Balthazar kicked off his shoes and turned on the television prepared to relax when he saw something glitter in the light. He straightened up and moved seeing the engagement ring half hidden under the cushion off the couch.

With shaky hands he collected it and held it up in front of him watching the silver engagement ring swing gently in the breeze. Balthazar's heart hammered against his chest and he knew something was up. Castiel never, ever, took off his engagement ring and now here it was stuffed down the couch carelessly left behind. Anger built up inside him and he pocketed it quickly dialling his number.

Castiel's voicemail answered and he groaned slamming the phone down and flinging it away. Balthazar wasn't stupid and he knew Dean had something to do with what was happening but in Balthazar's eyes Dean had his turn and ruined it. Castiel was engaged to be wed to him and he wasn't prepared to give him up without a fight.

**A/N: Thank you all very much for all the reviews! I love this more than anything and I am so, so, so, sorry for not updating Dark Love but I swear I will do soon for anyone wondering. **


	11. Chapter 11

Balthazar looked up when the door went and stood looking at Castiel who entered browner than usual and happier.

"Hello, darling"

Castiel turned with a startled gasp and smiled pleasantly at him. "Hello, you're early"

Balthazar hummed twirling the engagement ring in his hand in swift circles.

"You forgot something" he said holding it up to Castiel who patted the edge of his neck and stared at him shocked.

"I…I must of just forgotten…it's always around my neck"

Balthazar nodded and beckoned his finger at him to walk forward; Castiel moved towards him and stopped staring up at him.

"Turn around" Balthazar whispered and slid the engagement ring over his neck till it lay against his chest and his arms wrapped around his waist. Castiel gasped softly leaning against him when his mouth moved to the nape of his neck and kissed it softly.

"You smell of the sea"

"I was at the beach"

"On your own" Balthazar questioned skimming his hands up his stomach and sucking hard enough to leave a mark. Castiel gasped and nodded quickly when his fingernails stroked across his skin leaving red lines against his stomach.

"You smell of something else as well" Balthazar murmured into his ear.

His eyes flew open in a panic and he turned his head to peek at him.

"What?"

"I don't know but it's nice" he whispered stealing a kiss. "Come to bed"

"I will in a moment, I need a nice shower and food" Castiel whispered kissing him back and moving out of his arms.

"Don't take it off, Cas"

Castiel turned giving him a puzzled look before it dawned and he cupped a hand around the engagement ring.

"I promise" he said with a small smile before retreating into the bathroom. Castiel shut and locked the door leaning against it letting out harsh raggedy breaths. He knew it was a foolish mistake leaving his engagement ring here and could have blown it all with one stupid mistake. Castiel also knew that the smell Balthazar smelt wasn't the sea or anything else it was either Dean, sex, or the back of the Impala.

Castiel stayed under the water for what felt like forever, his skin hurt from the sun, his fingers and toes wrinkled from the spray, and his stomach churned and twisted desperately for food. He stood out breathing through the stream and wrapped a towel around his waist before heading out to see Balthazar cooking.

"I thought you died in there" Balthazar said turning when he walked towards him.

"No I was simply daydreaming" he said standing by his side and furrowed his brow picking up a slip of paper.

"Your mother called us, she's invited us for dinner tomorrow night" Balthazar spoke softly and handed over the sausage sandwich. Castiel smiled a little in thank you and stared down at the slip of paper.

"Sounds good" he whispered and threw it away taking a bite of the sandwich relishing the taste. Balthazar glanced at him before sitting down and threw up his legs and folded his arms contemplating his next approach.

"So…have you seen much of Dean lately?"

"Briefly on occasions" Castiel said with a hard swallow. "I'm allowed to be friends with him again"

"Of course, my love, but friends only"

"I know that" Castiel said with a glare refocusing on his sandwich. "He's…invited us to Jo's party this weekend"

"Oh?"

"Yes, I'm going of course because despite my relationship with Dean, Jo is a good friend" he said picking at the bread. "Do you want to come?"

Balthazar pursued his lips and nodded. "Yes I would like to come"

"Are you sure?"

"To spent the evening with my fiancés friends would be a delight"

Castiel forced a smile at him and moved towards sitting down. "Dean will be there"

"I know, I should like to get to know him"

"Why?"

"He was the man you loved and I…well, I like checking out the competition" he murmured with a wink which caused Castiel to chuckle lightly.

"There is no competition"

"I would sincerely hope not" he said softly leaning towards him and brushing away crumbs on his bottom lip.

Castiel pressed his lips together in a tight line knowing without a doubt that this was going to be as equally painful and a disaster. Balthazar took the plate away from his hands and held out both hands for him to take. Castiel eyed them beforehand and stood up staring into his eyes confused.

"Our wedding will be splendid" he whispered bringing him closer and stroking a hand down his cheek. Castiel closed his eyes at his touch and swallowed the lump in his throat which began to rise.

"I love you more than anything and these past months have shown me that I can settle down and I want to settle down with you" he murmured kissing him gently and pulling away. "Do you feel the same way?"

"I wouldn't have said yes"

"That was then; this is now…what do you feel?"

"I feel tired" Castiel said with a shrug.

"Don't divert the question"

"I'm not; I am simply not answering a stupid question" Castiel said removing his hands and walking into the bedroom. Balthazar let his hands fall and stared at nothing before giving in and following him back into the bedroom. Castiel dressed into his black bottom and slid into bed looking over to him.

"What?"

"We've been here two weeks now and there's something different about you"

"Good or bad different?"

"I don't know yet"

Castiel flexed his hands and burrowed under the covers. "Are you coming to bed?"

Balthazar moved swiftly and climbed into the covers tugging Castiel towards him.

"I want to spend the day together tomorrow before we go see Eve, I feel like I haven't spent anytime with you"

"Okay" he whispered and held still when he was cuddled closely and let his cheek rest against his chest. It pained Castiel more than anything that he wished for another set of arms wrapped around him and knew Dean would be more than willing to take Balthazar's place.

**~0~0~0~**

Dean smiled when Jo bounced on her feet in front of him holding out her hand.

"Happy birthday, you're now getting old"

"Twenty one is not old!" she protested and took it out with a gasp of relief "This is one of my favourite perfumes, Dean, how did…how did you know?"

"I honestly didn't…but I am amazing" Dean said and hugged her back when she threw her arms around him.

Dean patted her back and let her go. "I'm glad you like it"

"I love it!" she said with a sincere smile. "Where's Sam?"

"Garden" he replied watching her walk away and call out for him. Dean smiled and flicked open his cell calling for Castiel.

Castiel looked down at his phone with a sigh shutting the bathroom door.

"Dean, I can't talk"

"Why?"

"Because I am spending the day with Balthazar and I have a dinner with my mom tonight"

"Right" Dean muttered dropping down on the bottom stair of the staircase. "No time for little old me"

"I know I'm sorry" Castiel said leaning against the wooden door with a sigh. "Tomorrow, I promise you"

"Okay" Dean said picking at the worn carpet feeling the old stab of jealously. "I'll see you tomorrow"

"Dean"

"What?"

"I miss you too" he whispered before hanging up. Dean let the phone drop out of his hands and pocketed it quickly feeling his jealously burn his heart and his feeling of loneliness rise up again inside of him.

"What's with the long face?" Bobby questioned when he stepped in through the front door.

"Life" Dean murmured softly rising up and edging past him out of the door. Dean looked up at the cluster of grey clouds hanging in the air suitable to his mood and he climbed in ignoring the fact it was Jo's birthday and went to find a pub.

Castiel edged out of the bathroom to see Balthazar ready to go out.

"Where are you going?"

"Where are _we _going" Balthazar corrected him looking over to him. "We're going to the art gallery to check on everything, and then we're going for lunch, take a walk, and return to Eve's for dinner and the rest will follow"

Castiel smiled when he helped him into his jacket and nodded in approval.

"It sounds nice"

Balthazar held out his hand which Castiel slowly linked together with his own, he tipped his head back when he bent down to kiss him.

"Come"

Castiel followed after him and remembered the first time he realised he was in love with him. It made a smile form on his lips and he stepped into the car settling into the seat and glanced into the back. An echo of yesterday hit him and his eyes shut on their own accord as he felt Dean's hot breath in his ear and remembered the movement of their bodies together as they fucked hard and fast in the back of Dean's Impala. His cock stirred to life and he pressed a hand towards it and turned in his seat uncomfortable.

"Are you okay?"

"Yes" he said in a tight voice and looked out of the window when the car was started up and they drove out to the art gallery. Balthazar moved ahead when they arrived seeking out Zach whilst Castiel searched for Becky.

"Hey!" she said brightly when he found her. "You've been ignoring my calls, dickwad"

"I know, I know, I'm sorry but I need to speak to you" he hissed dragging her into a private room and closing the door.

"I'm kind of having an affair"

"Excuse me?"

"You heard me"

"Dean?"

"Yes"

"You've been fucking"

"Whenever we can"

Becky raised an eyebrow and looked away from him. "You're like a pair of horny rabbits!"

"Shut up" he said rolling his eyes.

"How many times"

"More than I can remember" he replied leaning against the wall with a sigh of defeat.

"So…you've been secretly fucking for days the love child of the Greek god and the underwear model behind Balthazar's back?"

"In a way, yes"

Becky pouted and turned towards him with a wounded expression. "Why are you getting all the action? I should have been a man, a gay man, I mean you have two men who desperately love you and want that cock of yours and what do I have? No one"

Castiel chuckled covering his eyes and pulling his hand away to look at her.

"This is why I love you"

"Oh great the only "I love you" I get is from a gay man!" she protested and grunted when arms came around her and Castiel hugged her tight.

"You know it's wrong, right?"

"Yes, I feel terrible"

"You can't have both of them, Castiel; you need to choose who you truly want"

"I know" he whispered letting her go and stepping back. "I should go find him"

Becky rolled her eyes and went back to her paperwork seeing him head towards the door.

"Quick question, which is the better fuck? Dean or Balthazar?"

"I'm not answering that"

"The love child?"

Castiel chuckled and bobbed his head quickly before walking out and leaving Becky to giggle loudly. Castiel found Balthazar in deep discussion with Zach and tugged on his arm gently.

"Are we ready to leave?"

"Yes, two minutes, my love" Balthazar replied letting Castiel leave to enter his own gallery and look at his paintings. The paintings that once stood on his wall unchecked, worthless to anyone else but him, and now here they all were being stood and sold for people who enjoyed art. Castiel thought back to his life in high school and college when he painted for fun, acted like a hippie with more stubble, and created messy work of red and orange claiming it to be the uncontrollable relationship he held with Dean and Dean alone. Castiel missed those days more than anything and wondered if he could ever reclaim them again.

Balthazar noticed him standing in the midst of his gallery and walked over tugging on his hand.

"I don't know about you but I am starving" he whispered into his ear.

"Me too" he agreed turning and smiling up at him. "Where do we go?"

"Well this is California I am sure we can find something adequate" Balthazar said with a teasing grin dragging him out of the gallery and back towards the car. They ended up driving and finding a fancy restaurant which Balthazar relished and Castiel sat by and ordered from titles he didn't understand.

"I haven't had lobster in years!"

Castiel looked at him with a raised eyebrow and it came the moment when he questioned what he was marrying into. His life had changed in the past six years and the past two years with Balthazar, he just didn't understand when it came to this. The engagement ring felt heavy around his neck and the bruise on the side of his neck was a heavy reminder of what he had done in the past few days. Castiel knew that if his mom knew what he had done and what was still doing she would be ashamed of him.

"You look so distant from me, Castiel"

Castiel looked up at the sound of Balthazar's voice who was staring back at him with inquisitive interest in his eyes.

"I don't know what you mean"

"I mean I look at you and I see your smiles, your humour, and your general patience but when I look into your eyes you are so far away from me"

"I was merely thinking"

"About what or should I say who?"

"No one important" Castiel said taking a bread stick and munching on it thoughtfully. "What do you think my mom will want?"

"Talk about the wedding"

"That is not for another year or…two" Castiel said brushing it away. Balthazar narrowed his eyes at him and disliked the reluctance in his tone.

"I am sure it is important"

Castiel hummed grabbing his glass of wine and sipping it gently. "I'm sure it will be"

**~0~0~0~**

It was 6pm when Balthazar and Castiel stood at Eve's door and knocked loudly. Castiel looked over his shoulder towards the Singer household and couldn't see the Impala everywhere.

"My boy!" Eve said delighted when she opened the door and pulled Castiel towards her.

"Hello, mom" he said pecking her cheek and stepping inside the house. Balthazar welcomed her with open arms and kissed her cheek.

"Lovely to see you again" Balthazar said warmly and honestly.

"Cas!" Anna said with a squeal running towards him and he caught her with a grunt.

"You are getting far too old for that, where is your brother?"

"Luke is in high chair" Eve answered side stepping them and he entered the warm kitchen to see him giggling and sucking on his fist.

"Due to the warm heat, we're having sandwiches" she said with a small smile.

"That sounds excellent" Balthazar said pulling Luke out of his highchair. Eve smiled warmly looking over to Castiel and frowning.

"What's wrong?" she said pulling him aside.

"Nothing is wrong"

"Castiel, I gave birth to you and for twenty three year I have watched, listened, and learnt everything there is to know about you. I know when you are lying to me and this is this moment now tell me what's wrong" Eve said in a stern voice.

"I can't" he whispered in a low voice.

Eve pressed her lips together and looked to Balthazar. "I have something to show Castiel upstairs would you be a love and take care of my baby"?

"Of course" Balthazar said jiggling Luke. Eve gripped Castiel's hand and tugged him upstairs towards the attic and into his old room. Castiel looked around the small space and wondered how he had ever lived up here.

"We're all alone up here" Eve said shutting the door. "What is going on?"

"I can't"

"Why not?"

"Because you will hate me"

"Hate you? Sweetheart, you are my boy and I could never hate you" Eve said sternly gripping his forearms. "What have you done that has caused this…misery in your eyes?"

"I'm sleeping with Dean" he whispered and looked down at the floor. "It started a few days ago and I can't stop"

Eve stared at his face and pulled back with a huge tired sigh. "I knew this would happen"

"What?"

"I knew this would happen!" she hissed and turned away running a hand into her black curls. "The moment you came back and the moment you told me you and Dean were interacting once again…I knew this would happen. You're having sex behind Balthazar's back aren't you?"

"I'm so sorry"

"Why are you apologising to me?"

"Because I know I've disappointed you"

"Yes, yes you have but I don't hate you and…I…I understand" she said finally and looking into Castiel's startled eyes.

"Castiel, you have been in love with Dean since you were fourteen years old and you came back from school so excited, so happy, and so overjoyed that the famous, Dean Winchester, had befriended you. I must admit it broke my heart as well when you two parted and I had to watch from afar when Dean broke down completely because you left him. Dean loved…loves you more than anything in this world and I am not condoning this cheating at all and I am telling you to either end it with Dean or end it with Balthazar because you are engaged and there is going to be a wedding one day"

Castiel swallowed when she cupped his cheeks.

"In this life you have to think of others but most importantly yourself and you need to think about what you want. I know that the thrill of cheating and the thrill of being caught are heavy in the air but it is not right" she said and pulled away from him. "Balthazar is a kind and loving man who is devoted to you and he does not deserve this"

"I know, mom, I know" he pleaded. "I just…I love Dean but I love him at the same time"

"You have to decide who you love more because you can't have your cake and eat it as they say"

Castiel nodded and held still with shut eyes when she kissed his cheek.

"Come on, we have dinner and a good old catch up" Eve said. "Let's forget this for one night"

Castiel nodded and swallowed the lump scratching at his throat.

They returned downstairs to see Balthazar entertaining both Anna and Luke.

"You are simply amazing with children" Eve praised him taking Luke out of his arm.

"I learnt well from my sister, Rachel, who has two twin boys" Balthazar said smiling at Anna who sighed in bliss. Castiel took the seat next to him when dinner was prepared and meat feast sandwiches were handed out with chips and salsa dip.

"Oh this is delicious, Eve, you are a wonderful woman" Balthazar praised to Eve who blushed striking his hand.

"Stop it" she said embarrassed and flashed a look over to Castiel who avoided her eyes.

The dinner was well underway with stories exchanged from Castiel and Balthazar's travels, Anna's stories from school, and Eve's adventures in the garden when Balthazar dropped a bombshell.

"I have news" Balthazar said when Anna's story ended.

"News?" Eve said curiously.

"News that will delight you I think, I have decided that we are staying here in California after the gallery has ended and we are moving the wedding forward to this year" Balthazar said flashing Eve a smile.

Eve gasped covering her mouth while Castiel stared at Balthazar in horror.

"Oh my god!" Eve squealed and came around hugging them both in delight. "I can't believe this…does that mean I can plan the wedding?"

"Yes" Balthazar said simply and getting another squeal of delight from Eve who clapped and sobered when she saw Castiel's face and remembered what she told him.

Balthazar looked over to Castiel who held his tongue and looked away from him staring at his now empty plate.

"Does that mean I get to be bridesmaid?" Anna injected into the sudden silence.

"Yes" Eve said quickly and looked over to Luke. "Luke can be pageboy"

Castiel could feel the panic rise up so fast inside him it hurt and he couldn't look at Balthazar without wanting to punch and hurt him. The evening ended quickly after that as they said their goodbyes to Eve who kissed Balthazar goodbye and let him leave first before grabbing Castiel's hand.

"You didn't know did you?"

"No"

"I advise you to think very, very, carefully before you decide who you truly want to be with, Castiel, because he does love you"

"Goodbye mom" he murmured kissing her cheek and stepping out of the house. Eve watched from the door and gripped it tight in her hand watching the car leave. Her eyes shut when she closed the door and her stomach churned at the mess Castiel had made already.

The ride home was stiff and full of silence.

"Cassy…"

"Don't" he snapped looking out of the window and away from him.

Balthazar looked straight ahead and pushed on home. Castiel slammed the door hard enough to break the window and stormed into the apartment.

"Cassy, just listen to me…" Balthazar said when he closed the door.

"No! How could you? We haven't even spoken about it! I…" Castiel said trailing off and shaking his head furiously. "You had no right to tell my mom that"

"What that I decided our wedding was coming forward? I thought you would want that and your mother here!" Balthazar shouted.

"We hadn't even spoken about it! I had no fucking idea what you were going on about! Our wedding is not for another year and now it is suddenly this year and we're staying here?" Castiel yelled at him. "You should have waited until we were home to talk about it"

"I thought you would want this, I thought you would have wanted to have your mom here and she is so happy to plan this wedding" Balthazar protested.

"I do! I want her at the wedding more than anything but how dare you not consult me about our wedding and about our plans beforehand" Castiel hissed moving towards him. "Get out"

"What?"

"I can't look at you right now I am so angry, get out now!" Castiel shouted trembling.

Balthazar gritted his teeth and nodded moving out of the apartment and slamming the door hard behind him. Castiel buried his face into his hands and breathed hard not knowing what to do or think. His hand moved down and he reached for his phone dialling Dean's number.

Dean who had spent the day in the pub, park, and simply driving was now in his room staring at the TV screen when the phone rang.

"Cas?"

"Will you come here?"

"The apartment?"

"Please"

"Okay…Cas, are you okay?"

"Just come quickly" he said and hung up the phone. Castiel stepped forward opening the door to see Balthazar's car gone and nowhere in sight. It was a ten minute wait before a knock sound and Castiel threw it open and threw his arms around Dean who held him close. Dean blinked startled cupping one hand at the back of his neck and the other around his waist feeling him shake against him.

"Cas, what's happened?"

"Everything is a mess, I feel like everything is crashing around me making a bigger mess and my mistakes are catching up on me" Castiel whispered into his neck. "I just want you to hold me, please hold me"

Dean nodded clutching him closer and stroking a warm hand down his back. Castiel leaned his head against his and stared at the darkness outside feeling like the walls were closing in around him and he had no way out. Dean held him feeling more confused than ever but didn't mind as long as he got to hold him for one moment of the day. They were just ticking time bomb waiting to go off and one simple mistake would make them and everything around blow up with a whimper.

**A/N: Oh drama, drama, drama. It's getting into the heavy stuff now I think. **

**Reviews are very welcome. **


	12. Chapter 12

**AUTHOR NOTE – PLEASE READ: Right, I want to settle a few things here. My writing has somehow created Castiel into a little shit and Dean to be pathetic. I made it that way. In my eyes, the typical Destiel storyline is Castiel is the little princess who can do harm, seriously, and Dean is the one who causes all wrong. I have changed that. Castiel does create the messes and he has in this, Dean is the one head over heels in love with a person he shouldn't be because of everything that's happened but why shouldn't he be? It's an AU, their situations can be changed. **

**It's like a soap drama, there's cheating, domestics, and it's not all love and butterflies. **

**If you don't like what is happening, I advise you to leave the story here. I can't make everyone happy and it's the way the story is going. I can't be bothered with any upcoming hate because it isn't going according to everyone's standards. I'm an honest person and I tell it like it is.**

It was 2am when Balthazar returned to see Castiel sat alone on the couch staring at nothing. He sighed softly shutting and locking the door before turning back towards him.

"Cas"

"What?"

"I'm sorry, okay? I'm sorry I didn't tell you beforehand. It was wrong of me but I thought it would be like a…surprise" Balthazar said dropping down next to him.

"It was certainly a surprise" Castiel said looking over to him and sighing. "I understand why you did it though"

"Is it really so bad? I thought it was your one wish to be married"

"It was" Castiel whispered and rubbed his forehead. "I need some sleep"

"I'll stay on here tonight" Balthazar said looking up at Castiel who looked back down at him. Castiel nodded moving away from him and into the bedroom. His head hit the pillow and he instantly fell asleep.

Castiel opened his eyes and flinched when a bright light was shone into his eyes like he was being interrogated. His arms were strapped at his sides and he shifted feeling uncomfortable and looked up when a shadow crossed him.

"Look at what you've done" a soft voice said and he looked up to his mom staring back at him.

"Mom, this is a dream isn't it?"

"Look at what you've done, Castiel, look at the mess, the disaster you have created with your lies, your deceit, and your stupidity"

"I didn't mean it; I didn't men any of it to happen"

"No one forced you to sleep with Dean did they? You openly went to him and you had sex with him and if that wasn't bad enough you went back to him again and again for more sex like a common whore"

Castiel shook his head looking down at his lap. "It's not just for sex"

"Then what is it for?"

"I love him"

"Do you really?" Eve said cocking her head scaring Castiel who looked at him mom who wasn't his mom. "What about Balthazar? He was everything before you returned here and now it's Dean all over again. I mean, how can you tell yourself and everyone else you love Balthazar and want to marry his poor soul and change completely when you settle in between Dean's legs?"

"Because I do love him, I fell in love with Balthazar because I had forgotten how I felt about Dean till I returned. I love them both"

"How do you love them?"

"What do you mean?"

"Are you in love with Balthazar or do you love him?"

"I don't know"

"Are you in love with Dean or do you love him?"

"Why are you here!"

"Because someone has to ask" she hissed leaning across the table gripping his cheeks with her nails. "You are no son of mine. You're disgusting"

Castiel crumbled when she let go and stepped back into the darkness. Tears coated his eyes and he struggled attempting to get out when another shadow fell across the light.

"Mom?" he called out and gasped when Dean came into view and kicked back.

"Hey, baby" he murmured softly.

"Dean, please" he begged when he kicked back and stared at him with hard eyes.

"Your mom is right you know"

"I do love you, Dean"

"No you don't, you don't know the meaning of love anymore, Cas"

"What am I supposed to do?"

Dean dropped his feet and stood up circling around the desk. "You were supposed to choose me"

Castiel looked up at him and gasped when he pulled his hair yanking him back.

"I gave you everything" Dean whispered staring into his eyes. "I change my mind; I don't want you anymore"

"You're lying"

"Am I?" Dean said shoving his head away and stepping back to look at him. "You did it with me, why can't I do it with you?"

"That's childish behaviour" Castiel snapped back at him.

"I suppose it is" Dean said with a burst of laughter. "But I'm going to move on now and I'm going to find someone else…I'm going to fall in love with someone else hopefully, I'm going to let them touch me, kiss me, fuck me, and I'm going to know that they're mine and they're not going to break my heart all over again"

"No, Dean, please!" Castiel sobbed when he waved his fingers and turned his back on him. Castiel swallowed breathing shakily and shutting his eyes in despair. His eyes opened and he looked now at Balthazar.

"How could you do it?"

"I didn't mean to"

"I thought you loved me"

"So did I" Castiel admitted and looked down squeezing his eyes. "I just want to wake up"

"How could I have ever loved you? Look at what you've done, Castiel, and you've broken my heart now. First it was Dean and now it's me because that's what you do, you break hearts and you don't think for one minute about me when you spread your legs for him"

"What do you want me to do? Tell me!"

"I want you to realise how alone you are going to become. Do you think we're going to stay? I'm going to leave you all alone and then there's Dean…you're going to end up all alone with no partner, no friends, a family that will toss you aside and you'll be left unloved and alone" Balthazar said and stood up. "Wake up now, Castiel"

Castiel stared at him in horror and shut his eyes squeezing them tight and flinching when his hands moved and his eyes opened. He sat up breathing hard and staring around the semi light bedroom feeling cold sweat cover his body. Castiel took in a shuddering breath and pushed up out of the bed feeling shaky and scared, he walked outside to see Balthazar strewn out on the couch snoring softly and collapsed against the wall.

Castiel had no idea what to do and looked at the time, 5.49am, and sighed moving back into the bedroom dressing into warm clothes. He snuck out and grabbed the car keys driving away from the apartments and driving to the one place he knew he wouldn't be distracted. Castiel stepped out of the car looking across at the beach and moved down the steps onto the soft sand. The wind whistled around him and he sat down on the soft wet sand replaying the dream in his head.

The dream versions of the people he loved were right about everything. Castiel knew he had to open up and be completely honest but it was how he approached it.

"I should have never come back here" Castiel whispered meaning California more than anything. Castiel shut his eyes and lay back into the sand feeling the coldness of the sand deep and soak his back and clothes, the chill of the morning air raised goose bumps on his skin, and he waited for nothing.

It was 10am when Castiel received a call from Dean.

"How are you feeling?"

"Like shit" Castiel replied sitting up on the sand. "I think we need to talk"

"Talk?"

"Not sex, Dean, a real talk" Castiel said rolling his eyes.

"Where are you?"

"The beach"

"The beach? Why?" Dean said baffled shutting the front door behind him.

"I needed to think and get away…it's amazing what the sea air can do"

"I'll be there in twenty minutes" Dean replied hanging up the phone.

Castiel sat back and waited patiently for Dean's arrival. Dean arrived quicker than he realised and stepped out looking around for a familiar face and saw him leaning against the wall.

"Hello, gorgeous" Dean said with a smirk.

Castiel looked up at him and sighed moving over to him. "We need to talk"

"You're going to end this aren't you?"

"Dean, I don't know what to do! My mind is telling me to end this now and my heart is telling me not to because I do love you" Castiel said desperately. "But then there is Balthazar…"

Dean looked down at the pavement and pulled him towards him so they were into each other's personal space.

"You need to decide what you really want, okay?"

"How?"

"You're not a little kid anymore, Cas, you're not that skinny little nerd who sat alone reading comic books because they were all that you had. You're a man now, a man who is a successful artist and engaged to the man who found you because you felt like you had to own him back. You're engaged to him after eleven months? Is that really love?"

"It felt like it at the time"

"You have no idea what you truly want do you?"

Castiel shut his eyes looking down at the ground. Dean sighed looking up at the sky and shook his head.

"We've been doing this for a good few days now, Cas, fucking, dancing around each other, secret trips, and I have to lie to my own family to protect us and why should I do that? If I asked you to pick between us, who would you pick?"

"Don't do that"

"Don't do what? Don't ask you to pick between your fiancé and me? Who would you pick!"

"I don't know!"

"You're such a child!" Dean cried shoving him back till he stumbled. "Babies whine, Cas, and that's exactly what you are! You look for the solution in someone else and try to find the answer when it's deep inside of you waiting to be pulled out. I asked you, me or Balthazar and you couldn't answer…and that makes me wonder why I bother"

Castiel could feel his dreams creeping up inside of him and he reached out for Dean who shook his head knocking his hand away.

"I'm not sharing you with no one, Cas, I'm not continuing this for months while you fuck with me and return to Balthazar's bed. You can't even choose between us and that…that makes you pathetic, which makes you a child, which makes you unworthy of anything involving little old me"

"Dean…" Castiel begged and stumbled back when he refused him.

"Do you even really love me?"

"Yes"

"Love me or in love with me?"

"In love with you"

"Then how is the answer not simple?"

"Because…"

"Because of precious Balthazar" Dean said with a sneer. "Do you know how many times people have questioned me about my devotion to you? Hundreds! Why do I still love you, why do I linger for someone who couldn't care less about me, why do I wait for someone hundreds and hundreds of miles away who broke my heart first?"

"I was just a stupid teenager"

"So was I and what did I do? Oh yeah I remained faithful till _you _broke it apart, not me, and you can't even choose who you really want! So you know what, Cas, I am going to make this so easy for you because this time…I'm ending it" Dean hissed at him. "You're not doing that to me again, ending it because you're scared"

"You said the past is the past" Castiel muttered.

"It is and what's done is done and I'm not…I'm not doing it anymore. Last night you called me and I was happy to hold you but now…it's like I've finally had my wakeup call"

"Because I can't decide?"

"Mostly because I'm being to realise what a fool I was being" Dean replied and gripping his shoulders tugging him forward. "I'm ending this now, not you, so go on and marry your beloved Balthazar and I'll finally move on"

"I had a dream you said this to me" Castiel whispered shaking his head. "I just need more time!"

"Well when you decide don't call me, I'll send you a gravy jug for your wedding, you like porcelain right?" Dean said stepping back and nodding. Castiel began to reach panic levels and gripped his wrists tugging him back and cupping his cheeks.

"I just need more time, please, please, don't do this"

"Oh I remember this little speech, I remember begging you on the phone and what did you do?"

"I hung up"

"Yeah" Dean said with a nod and removed his hands. "See you around, Cas"

"Dean, please!" he shouted after him when he stalked back to his car and drove away. Dean leaned back in the impala speeding away from Castiel and feeling something inside him snap. Dean didn't know if it was disbelief or horror at what he had done but it could also be called hurt. For anyone else it would be a relief but Dean did love him and many would question why he ended it but he had to.

**~0~0~0~ **

"You ended it?" Sam questioned sitting at the table with Dean who ate his lunch slowly.

"Yeah I did…proud of me?" Dean said with a raised eyebrow.

"No" Sam replied with a shake of his head.

"I didn't want to, not really, I went there knowing he wanted to talk and I knew deep down it would be about ending it but I couldn't face _him_ ending it, again, because he's scared and has no idea what he feels or he's even doing. So…I ended it, I gave him his freedom" Dean said sarcastically and shut his eyes slumping in his chair. "It sucks ass though"

"His ass"

"Shut up" Dean said glancing at him.

"So you're just going to stay away from him?"

"That's the plan"

"That won't work, Dean"

"It will because he'll stay from me now"

"This is insane" Sam muttered into his hands. "You should have never slept with him"

"If I remember correctly, Sammy, it was you and bloody Jo who thrust me into that art gallery and forced me to talk to him again"

"You're blaming me!"

"No, Sam, I'm just saying you and Jo both got me involved in his life again and I fucked him"

"That's one way to put it" Sam said with a small chuckle.

Dean smirked at his brother and folded his arms over his chest. "Maybe it's for the best, he's engaged to another man"

"Who are you and what have you done with my brother?"

Dean flicked his eyes towards him and sighed standing up and edging past Jo who walked in.

"What's going on?"

"Dean ended his little arrangement with Cas"

"Should I be worried?"

"Probably" Sam agreed and rubbed his temples. "It won't last"

"Why do you say that?"

"This is Dean and Cas, Jo, they have the strangest relationship going. It's full of lies, deceit, and endless heartbreak for both of them but which relationship is perfect? The underline for both of them is that they love each other so fiercely it scares them both into doing things they shouldn't have" Sam said honestly meeting Jo's eyes.

"You're right" she said with a small smile. "You should be an agony uncle"

"Go away" he murmured shoving her arm gently.

In the art gallery, Becky sat with Castiel who was sitting in the corner of the couch.

"Do you blame Dean for ending it?"

"No" he said shaking his head. "I understand why he did it"

"What are you going to do now?"

"Carry on"

"With Balthazar?" she whispered shocked.

Castiel nodded slowly bringing out his engagement ring and looking down at it. "Just like it was before I brought Dean back in my life…it's the best for everyone"

"Is it the best for you?" Becky said gripping his knee.

"Yes" Castiel said simply and looked up when the door opened and Balthazar stepped inside the room staring at Castiel.

"What are you doing here?"

"Well you weren't there this morning and I was worried" he said moving towards them. "Can I speak to you alone?"

Becky looked over to Castiel who nodded at her for her to take her leave. Balthazar stood in front of him till he straightened out and looked up at him.

"I hate being in conflict with you"

"Me too" Castiel said and stood up looking into his eyes. "I don't want to argue anymore"

"I am sorry for…"

"It doesn't matter" Castiel said interrupting him. "You're right, my mom would love to plan this wedding and it would mean my sister and brothers coming to the wedding and I want that more than anything"

"Are you sure? Because you even said last night…"

"Ignore what I said last night" Castiel muttered wrapping his arms around his neck and feeling Balthazar wrap his arms around his back. Becky watched from the door meeting Castiel's eyes and shaking her head at him, she knew the real truth and also saw it in his eyes.

"You're an idiot" she mouthed at him before exiting the room to continue with her job.

Castiel clung to Balthazar who stroked a hand down his back mimicking Dean's actions from last night, Castiel sighed in despair burying his face into his shoulder feeling an ache in his chest that just wouldn't fade.

**~0~0~0~**

Jo knocked on Dean's door that night to see him bobbing his head in time with Asia playing on the radio.

"Hey, fancy getting seriously hammered?"

"God yes" Dean said sitting up with a grin.

"Good! Get dressed and let's go" she said with a wink walking out. Dean smiled amused looking down at his hands and knowing the "moving on" process wouldn't be the easiest thing in the world and he wasn't even sure he could do it. If six years couldn't get him to move on from him then how could this? Dean sighed dressing into nicer and more appropriate clothes for going out and whistled at Jo who stepped out wearing a fitting black dress.

"Sexy" he complimented her.

"Thank you" she said holding out her hand for him to take. "Let's go and get so drunk we forget everything and everyone"

"Sounds amazing" he said in relief heading out and waiting for the cab they called instead of the impala.

In the apartments, Castiel sat with Balthazar as they watched a pointless programme. He leaned his head on his shoulder raising his eyes to look up at him and chewed on his bottom lip knowing he was a selfish coward and always would be until he made a change, he made the difference, and he rose up accepting his mistakes and made the difference he wanted.

**A/N: Thank you for the reviews.**


	13. Chapter 13

"My birthday party!" Jo cried joyful spinning in circles. "I'm excited"

"I can tell" Dean said flicking through a magazine and throwing it on the coffee table with a tired sigh. Jo regarded him thoughtfully and dropped down next to him.

"Are you okay?" Jo said touching his hand gently.

"I'm fine" he said folding his arms over his chest and staring thoughtfully to the television. "I miss him…it's been five days since we ended it and it sucks"

"I know, babe, but you know it's for the best" Jo reassured him and smiled when Dean glared at her. "Anyway, what about…whatshisname"

"Jake?"

"He was really nice to you when we went out and he really likes you" Jo said trailing a hand into his hair. "This could be your new start! Have you invited him tonight?"

"No"

"Do it" Jo said thrusting his cell into his hands.

Dean frowned deeply looking down at his cell and thinking back to six nights ago when they went for their night out and did get hammered. They went club to club drinking, having a laugh, and it was the final club they went to that Dean met Jake Power. He stood tall with wavy blonde brown hair, sparkling hazel eyes, and a cute smile. He wasn't Dean's usual type but he was the only one willing to talk and not just fuck. They exchanged numbers and a kiss between them before they all stumbled back home drunk. Since that night, Dean hadn't contacted him.

"I can't, Jo, I haven't spoken to the guy since that night"

"So?"

"It's weird!"

"Stop acting like a baby, call him" she said with fierce eyes. Dean glared at her finding the number and dialling it. It rang and rang till it got voicemail to Dean's delight and he hung up.

"He didn't answer and I'm glad, Jo, I thought I was ready and I'm not" he said pushing up and moving to walk out.

"When will you ever be ready? Look we both know Castiel is going to marry Balthazar and that's that, he's going to marry him and move away leaving you behind"

"Then you shouldn't have thrusted that news article into my hands then should you?" Dean said in a cold voice turning to look at her. "You shouldn't have shown me that article! I would have never met him!"

"Are you kidding me? Yes you would have, Dean, you would have ran into him on the street somewhere or heard about it from someone or somewhere else" Jo ranted. "Don't you dare start blaming me for this! You are the one who met up with him, you are the one who is still in love with him, and you are the one who fucked him"

"I feel like I'm in a circle and the same shit keeps going around and around and around" Dean said raking his hands into his hair. "What do I do, Jo, Sam's no help?"

"Sam just wants you to be happy and it seems really far away right now but it will happen"

"With who though? I want him, I don't want anyone else, I think that after six years I finally know what I want and Cas…well he has no idea what he wants"

Jo let out a sigh dropping back into the cushions and giving him a sidelong glance.

"I feel like I'm in a bad rom com or a soap drama from hell" she said and smiling when Dean laughed. Dean nodded in agreement and nudged her ribs.

"It's your 21st birthday party tonight, go get ready"

"You're going to be okay and if you don't get the guy in the end…I'll marry you" she said and smirked when Dean scoffed shoving her away. Dean sat on the couch pulling out his cell and staring at Castiel's number debating whether to call or not before snapping it shut and throwing back his head.

"Stupid" he hissed hating that he was so weak.

Castiel stood in the art gallery staring at another artists work when he heard footsteps approach him and turned to see Becky walk over brushing a hand down his back.

"You've been staring at that for ages, Castiel, don't go insane on me"

"I was admiring it, silly"

"How are you?" Becky said leaning against the wall.

"I'm okay" he said with a small smile looking back to the painting. "I can't wait till this over; I just want to get back to Colorado"

"Hold on, I thought you were staying for the wedding"

"We are but we're flying back first to move over and I don't want to be living in an apartment all my life"

"Castiel, are you sure you want this? Once you're married that's it, the only way out is through divorce or separation but you are still married to the guy. I know you, I know how you feel about Dean and you are not thinking straight! You need proper time to think about what you want instead of sitting back and letting everyone else make your decisions!"

"So I end it with him?

"That's up to you but can you marry him with this dishonesty between you?"

Castiel slid his eyes over to her and shook his head. "I can barely touch him anymore"

"Isn't that your answer?" she whispered placing her hand on his forearms.

"I guess" he whispered turning away. "Jo's party is tonight and I'm invited to go"

"Are you going to?"

"I don't know yet"

"Well…this isn't about Dean, this is about Jo and her birthday so go see her, give her a present, and wish her a happy birthday"

"What if I see Dean?"

"Then do what your heart tells you" she said poking him in the ribs with a smirk and walking back out of the gallery.

Castiel stared at nothing and moved looking around the large space. He knew Becky was right about going tonight so he would and brave the consequences. His feet took him out of the gallery and into his car driving towards Eve's home.

Eve looked up when the doorbell went and shushed Luke's squalling as she answered it.

"Hello, mom" he greeted when she kissed his cheek and welcomed him in. "Where's Anna?"

"With her new boyfriend" she said with an amused laugh. "I give it a week before she dumps him and finds someone else"

"She's too young for boyfriends"

"Oh be quiet! She's ten and the most they do is hold hands and ignore each other"

"Ah to be young" he teased and smiled when his mom laughed loudly scooping up Luke.

"Why are you here, darling?"

"I came to see my family"

"Where's Balthazar?"

"Work" Castiel muttered handing Luke his toy and smiling when he clapped at him.

Eve noticed the hidden misery in his eyes and placed Luke in his playpen and turned towards him.

"What has happened to you?"

"What do you mean?"

"Look at the mess you are in, Castiel, and look at what your actions and your heart have done to your life. There are two men in your life; one is the love of your life, the constant presence that is always there when you can't even see him, and he is the one you have hurt the most, then there is the other who is devoted to you, prepared to marry you and live his life with you and you have betrayed him"

"I don't deserve either of them do I?"

Eve smiled at him. "No and yes"

"I know I've hurt Dean in more ways than possible and I regret everything I have done to hurt him…"

"You need to decide who you love more, darling, who you want to be with, wake up next to every morning, and kiss them when you say goodbye or in hello. If you want to be with Balthazar then accept who you are together and love him more than you could ever love Dean and if it Dean who you want then you end this engagement with Balthazar and you tell him the truth"

Castiel nodded looking down at the floor. "You always had a way of words"

"I'm your mother and it's my job to kick your ass" she joked moving forward and cupping his cheeks. "You want some food?"

"Yeah" he said with a nod shutting his eyes when she kissed his forehead.

"Play with your brother" she ordered walking out of the living area and into the kitchen. Castiel smiled looking down at Luke who smiled up at him innocently and waved his toy at him.

"Don't fall in love too young, okay? If you do don't hurt them, I want you to stay with them, care for them, love them, and don't break their heart so much that it can't be healed without proper attention. Don't make the same mistakes as me" he said picking him up and staring into his light blue eyes. "You get into a lot of trouble with everyone who cares about you and you end up hurting the ones you love most"

"Ba" Luke replied shoving the cuddly toy into his face.

"Exactly" Castiel murmured taking it off him and staring at the toy cow. "It's more of a moo"

"Ba"

"Okay" Castiel agreed kissing his temple and turning to see Eve leaning against the door watching and listening to them.

"I think I may be a little bit more proud of you"

"You liked my speech?"

"I think your speech was very honest of you" she said handing him a sandwich and taking Luke out of his hands. "I don't think he'll make the same ones as you mind you but you've always been a secret troublemaker"

"Lies" he muttered with a fake gasp.

"Eat your sandwich and get out of my house" Eve responded with an amused smile and looked back to her youngest tickling him till peals of laughter escaped Luke's mouth.

Castiel knew that a mother always knows best and it was time for him to decide and make amends.

**~0~0~0~**

The local pub was hired out for that one night and it was in full swing come 9pm. Jo greeted her guests warmly and others who wanted to join in on the celebrations. Dean sat at the table simply watching and sipping his drink.

"Remember when she was fourteen and had a major crush on you?" Sam muttered into his ear. Dean chuckled and nodded looking over to her in the limelight.

"Yeah" he said looking down at his beer and knocking it back. "But we're not kids anymore, Sam"

"You invited Cas didn't you?"

"He won't come" Dean said looking over to him.

Sam shot him a mournful look and stood up walking away to greet and talk to some of the guests dotted around. Dean sat staring down at his beer when he heard one of the stools scrape back and glanced up to see Jake staring back at him.

"What the hell are you doing here?"

"You invited me remember?"

"Really?"

"You were very drunk" Jake said leaning forward to look into his eyes.

"I guess so" Dean said softly. "Why are you here though?"

"Party, drinks, pleasant company, and a night out" Jake said gesturing around. "You were happier to see me the other night"

"I was drunk on liquor and shots" Dean shot back amused. "I guess you're good company for now"

Jake raised his eyebrows amused and brought his drink up in a toast for him.

Back at the apartments, Balthazar stood in front of Castiel eyeing him carefully.

"So you're going now and I'm not?"

"I'm going to give the present and come back; I don't want to see Dean"

"I thought you were friends"

"We were…it ended because it was too weird" Castiel lied pulling on his coat avoiding his eye contact. "I'll be back in an hour"

"One hour?"

"Yes" Castiel snapped and stopped seeing the flicker of hurt. "I may talk to her; I'm giving myself a wide berth"

"Fine" Balthazar said folding his arms over. Castiel looked back to him before shutting the door and heading over to the car driving to the pub. Balthazar stared at the now closed door letting out a deep sigh. It rattled him deeply that he wasn't attending all of the sudden and he was curious about Castiel's motives.

Castiel arrived in no time at all and got out staring up at the pub. He knew his presence wouldn't be wanted by Dean and he knew Jo would be on his side but it had to be done.

Jo was stood talking with friends when she felt a gentle pressure on her shoulder and turned to see Castiel stood at her shoulder holding up a little blue bag.

"Cas!" she exclaimed and hugged him close. "I honestly didn't think you'd come"

"I'm not staying, Jo, I only came to give you this"

Jo took it off him surprised and peered inside pulling out a little box and opened to see two diamond studs that made her gasp.

"Holy shit" she breathed looking up at him.

"It's your 21st" Castiel replied with a shrug and carefully lifted his eyes to look around amongst all the people and looked back to her.

"He's over there with a guy called Jake"

Castiel felt a pang of pain and nodded quickly. "He told me he would move on"

"Cas, what are you doing? Why are you not fighting for him like he fought for you?"

"He ended it"

"Because you're engaged and he knew you were going to end it as well so he got there first instead and I don't blame him. Dean _loves_ you more than any of us put together and yes, he's an idiot for sticking around but that shows what he truly wants and he wants that little nerd he met in high school who tucked him under his wing and fell in love with him first…you broke his heart yeah but that's life, we fall in love and we get our hearts broke" Jo said leading him away from everyone to talk to him in private.

"You're the third today to give me this speech"

"Are we all doing good or wasting our breaths?"

"Good"

"Do you know what you truly want?" she hissed at him. Castiel looked away from her to see Dean now talking and laughing with Jake who was telling an animated and humorous story. The ache remaining in his chest flared and he shut his eyes looking away.

"I've hurt him far too much"

"That's what time is for, it's there to give you and many others time to do the right thing and make the right decisions" Jo said stepping back. "I'm the third apparently so you have all our words running through your head so listen to them and do the right thing"

Castiel looked over to Jo who stepped away leaving him with his thoughts. His mind was clouded, his hearing dimmed, and his eyes went over to Dean who was laughing deeply at something Jake had said. Jealously bubbled inside of him and it hurt more than anything to see him and knowing one day he could really move on.

Dean placed his drink down and moved to go to the toilet. He hummed as he rounded the corner heading towards the men's room when he felt a gentle tugging on his wrist and was tugged back hidden into the corner.

"Cas" Dean breathed staring into eyes. Castiel stared back into his and touched his cheek gently looking over him and tugged him closer. Dean moaned low when he kissed him gently and gasped pushing him away.

"No, no way, Cas, I'm not doing this again…" Dean protested and was silenced when a hand went over his lips.

"I've had Becky, my mom, and now Jo talking to me today, each other with their own opinion on what I should. I've listened to them all and they're all right…I am the shit boyfriend you once called me. I'm the worst example for a relationship and I have hurt you in so many ways that you shouldn't even forgive me, Dean; I don't deserve you at all. I don't deserve either of you and I don't know how you can love me"

"Believe me, I ask that question to myself everyday"

"I don't blame you"

"Why are you here?"

"I came to give Jo her birthday present and went to leave when common sense hit him over the head" Castiel replied staring into his eyes.

"Common sense is not cheating on your precious fiancé"

"I'm not cheating on him any longer"

Dean eyed him suspiciously and pulled away. "Have you ended it?"

"No, not yet"

"But you're going to end it"

"No, I'm going to let him when I tell him the truth about what I've done, how I feel, and who I really love"

"You think you can win me around so easily?"

"I don't know"

"You're really going to tell him the truth?"

"Yes"

"Okay, so when he ends it because he will…what are you going to do then?"

Castiel looked down at Dean's trembling hands and took it gently with his.

"Make amends to one I love"

"Which one" Dean hissed removing his hand.

"Who do you think?"

"I don't know, I don't think you quite understand what love is to be honest with you, Cas, because you're a coward and a child" Dean said and nodded when he looked away from him biting into his lip. "You're selfish, you're greedy, and yeah I love you and I miss you like crazy but that feeling has _always _been there and while you were away fucking dozens of men, becoming successful, and drinking and eating from the millions of dollars you have stashed away I was here. I was always here waiting for you to come back one day with the one bit of hope I had"

Dean held up his wrist showing him the bracelet. "I never took it off, not once; I kept it on because it was yours and I had a part of you to own for myself. You have no idea how I felt when you ended it, how many times I called you and you ignored me after that night. I drank myself into oblivion nearly every night scaring Sam half to death, I sat on that hill, our hill actually, and I did…nothing. I sound pathetic I know and I think that too but I was just a kid in love with another kid who didn't want me anymore because I wasn't good enough"

Castiel felt tears coat his eyes and slide down his cheeks in warm streams.

"I'm so, so, sorry, Dean, you have to believe me"

"Save this speech for later on" Dean said with wide eyes. "If you really want to win me back"

"Is that hope?"

"I don't know" Dean said stepping back. "Just go and do the right thing for once"

Dean moved away walking down the corridor and into the men's room. Castiel breathed out shakily wiping under his eyes and leaving through the pub, he reached the doors and turned back to see Jo and Sam watching him and nodded once with a flicker of a smile.

"You don't think…" Sam said looking over to Jo who shrugged.

"Let's wait and see"

Castiel arrive back and looked over to the apartment door with determination in his heart. He sniffed hard and opened the apartment door to see Balthazar watching the television.

"Hey, what's wrong?"

"We need to talk" Castiel said shutting the door and facing Balthazar who sat up straight and instantly knew he was in for a rough night with the look in Castiel's eyes.

**A/N: I'm just going to leave it there...ahaha. **

**You lot have been so supportive! Thank you. **


	14. Chapter 14

"Well" Balthazar said staring up at him as he walked over and sat down on the opposite seat.

"I…I don't know how to start" Castiel said wringing his hands together. "I am the worst boyfriend, fiancé, and even human if you wanted because I hurt the ones I love"

"What are you talking about?"

"I lied about being friends with Dean; I'm more than friends with him and I've…I've been…" he said trailing off looking down at his hand.

Balthazar raised his eyes to the ceiling and nodded more to himself. "You've been fucking him behind my back"

"I'm so, so, sorry" Castiel pleaded with him.

"No you're not" Balthazar replied shaking his head.

"Yes I am"

"No, Castiel, you're not because you wouldn't have fucked him and you wouldn't be here now nearly in tears" Balthazar snapped. "I knew something was wrong, I knew you were hiding something and this is it. You fucking your ex like a little whore"

"It just happened…"

"How did it happen?"

"We…we were just arguing and it happened"

"What were you arguing about?"

"Does it…"

"Don't you dare say does it really matter" Balthazar hissed scaring Castiel who looked away.

"Ever since I met him at opening night I've been in conflict over my feelings for him and you, he was making me feel all over again and I was beginning to feel what I felt in the beginning when I first fell in love with him but then there was you and I loved you as well. It was messing with my head and Dean just wouldn't stop…so I confronted him and what should have been an argument led to sex" Castiel said staring at the wallpaper. "I couldn't help myself and we continued afterwards"

Balthazar stared at the side of his face and moved away with a scoff.

"Couldn't keep those legs close for one minute could you? You fucked me then you fucked me for afters didn't you?"

"No, no, I didn't" Castiel protested shaking his head.

"You're a liar" he shouted turning towards him. "How could you?"

"I wasn't thinking and it just happened, Balthazar, but I can't regret it!"

"You can't regret it? You're supposed to love _me, _you're supposed to be engaged and marrying _me, _you dick" Balthazar shouted back at him unable to control his anger. "You slept in that bed beside me reeking of him didn't you? Oh…"

Balthazar stopped when realisation hit him and laughed astonished. "The beach…that new smell was him wasn't it?"

"Yes" Castiel nodded looking down at his lap.

"You have no respect for me at all do you?"

Castiel stayed quiet staring down at his hands.

"You're supposed to love me…"

"I do love you!"

"Bullshit!" Balthazar yelled at him. "Don't you dare start lying to me now after all these weeks of lying to my face! We're supposed to be a couple, an engaged couple, and you do this?"

"I'm sorry"

"No" Balthazar said moving towards him causing Castiel to panic and move back till he hit the wall. Balthazar found the engagement ring tugging it hard so the string gave way.

"I don't think you'll need this anymore, do you?" Balthazar said throwing it away so it hit the floor with a dull thud. Castiel blinked tears filling his vision.

"I am so sorry, I will never be able to make amends for this and I know I've hurt you"

"Hurt me? Cas, you've broken my heart" Balthazar said softly shaking his head in disbelief. "Is that what you do best?

"No, I just want to do the right thing" Castiel said pained rubbing the sore spot on his neck. "I have been dodging this for weeks and I know I've hurt you and I know I've hurt Dean but I want to make amends for the wrong in my life and this is the start. I am sorry, Balthazar, I am so, so, sorry for what I have done to you but I had my own epiphany over these past few days and I can't marry you with this between us"

"So making amends for all the wrong in your life is fucking another guy, no, sorry, the same guy you hurt over and over again?"

Castiel looked away from his blazing eyes and sniffed hard feeling his tears blur.

"Did you truly want to marry me?" Castiel said looking up at him.

Balthazar looked at him and laughed raking a hand into his hair moving away.

"No, no of course not, I just proposed as a laugh, a good old joke! I didn't push the wedding forward for you because I want to marry you and spend the rest of our lives together no I did it because I wanted to laugh" Balthazar said sarcastically pouring a drink.

Castiel looked down at the floor eyes closing in despair.

"Of course I wanted to marry you, you silly little fool, I wanted to settle down with you and no longer be that bachelor my friends call me" Balthazar murmured staring down at the dark brown liquid and knocking it back. "I guess while I was thinking of that you were thinking of the perfect place to fuck your other man"

"Dean ended this time and I was fully prepared to settle down and marry you…but I couldn't…I couldn't look and touch you with this between us because it's dishonesty and even though I love you I can't be with you like that"

"Are you in love with him?"

"Yes" Castiel said with a nod.

Balthazar stared at him with hurt eyes and nodded pursuing his lips. "We're over, Castiel, I think we were over the moment you spread your legs for him like a slut and afterwards when you drifted away from me, you lied to my face, you broke my heart, and you took the love I have…had for you and ripped it in to shreds. I really hope you and Dean are very happy together or…not because you don't deserve either of us, darling, so you can leave now and return to your other little whore"

"Balthazar…"

"Get out before I make you leave" Balthazar hissed coldly.

Castiel struggled for a long moment and wiped his wet face moving towards the door.

"It probably doesn't mean anything now but I do love you…I just, he's my first love and you never forget them or even fall out of love with them because they were the ones to first teach you about love and how to feel it. I chucked him away and I shouldn't have but when I did I met you…I was fully prepared to marry you, Balthazar, and I'm sorry for everything"

"You're right" Balthazar said looking down at the empty glass. "You never forget your first love and guess what, sweetheart, you were mine"

Castiel gaped at him startled hand hovering over the door handle.

"Now get out"

Balthazar heard the click of the door as he walked out. His eyes blurred and he turned launching the glass at the door watching it smash into little pieces and the betrayal coursing in his veins. The tears in his own eyes blurred streaking out of his eyes and he rubbed them furiously grabbing the bottle and ripping the top off knocking it back. The burn was satisfying for now as his whole world fell apart around him.

**~0~0~0~**

Dean had left the party leaving behind a very drunk Jo and an equally drunk Sam to enjoy the rest of her birthday party. He walked over to the window staring out at the darkness and the building of grey black clouds building up.

"Rain" Dean muttered trailing his finger down the window and looking down at Bones whining at his feet. "It's okay, Bones, it's just rain"

Dean didn't know how to feel about the fact that Castiel was ending it with Balthazar but knew it was probably the best for Castiel not for him.

"Come on, let's go bed" Dean said ruffling the top of his fur and moving to take him into the back door when the door went. Dean stiffened staring at the door and moved taking Bones to his room shutting him in and turning back to the door.

"Hello, Dean"

"Hey, Cas" Dean said stepping back to let him in. Castiel looked around the familiar house and smirked softly. It hadn't changed one little bit.

"It's over" Castiel said turning back to Dean who stepped in facing him. "I told him everything and he ended it"

"Okay, good, he deserved to know" Dean said with a shrug. "Can I help you with anything?"

"Dean, I want you" Castiel said moving towards him and stopping when Dean moved back.

"You know what the wonderful thing about having time apart from you is that I was able to think, really think, and think about the whole six years apart" Dean said looking at him and closing his eyes. "Did you really think you'd come here and I'd welcome you back with open arms? Our little fling was my moment of weakness for you"

"I didn't expect anything but I want you because I should have never let you go, you made me realise how much I love you, Dean, I forgot, okay? I forgot over the years how I _really _felt but it was always there and I've done the right thing"

"Yeah, yeah you have but that doesn't mean I'm going to take you back like nothing has happened! The world isn't sunshine and roses, Cas, and you've hurt me over and over again and I still don't know why I'm sticking around for you! Look at what you've done to us all"

"I know this is my entire fault but I…"

"But what?"

"I just want everything to be okay" Castiel whispered with pain laced into his voice.

"You're such a child, Cas, you just want everything your way and everything to bend into your way so everything is happy and rosy" Dean exclaimed turning his back on him. "I've already told you how I was when you ended it for the last time and I am so sick of explaining myself, looking at the past and at you not knowing why I still love you"

Castiel inhaled moving forward spinning him around.

"Let me make it up to you"

"What like a bunch of flowers and a box of chocolates?"

"No, Dean, stop being difficult"

"Stop being difficult" Dean said astonished pushing him away and laughing. "You're actually being serious"

"I want to make amends!" he cried watching him walk away from him.

"You can't, Cas!" Dean yelled at him. "You just…you can't"

Dean clenched his hands together tightly and unfolded them slowly.

"I remember seeing you for the first time in that high school and you were a skinny mop of hair reading a tatty comic book all on your own and I knew…I knew I wanted you as my friend and you were being bullied by that Az who I knocked down with a few words and you adored me" Dean said with a faint amused smile. "I loved it, I loved that you adored _me_ of all people and we were thick as thieves. I had the best, best friend ever because you stuck by my side through everything and we were nicked two peas in a pod by your mom…I got the friend who played video games, had long debates with me about who would win in a fight, The Hulk or Spiderman, and I always won"

Dean laughed shaking his head staring at the window which was starting to show signs of the approaching rainfall.

"Then we grew up and I found girls, you didn't, and now I know why but I didn't realise for one second you liked me like that and you stood by and watched. I couldn't believe it when you told you told me on the hill you liked me and then you kissed me… and I admit I hadn't thought about you like that but when you kissed me and my drunken feelings erupted for you. It was only when I woke up the next day I realised what I had done, why I had these shiny new feelings for my best friend that wouldn't fade and…I was happy" Dean said softly seeing Castiel out of the corner of his eye unmoving and silent.

"It was the years together that drove me to fall so in love with you and I was so proud of the boyfriend that painted art so well and when you told me about the university…I panicked and I was terrified but I knew I had to let you go because you were so excited about all these possibilities and Sam told me over and over again we would be okay"

"You moved away and I was left all alone, I had no one, I had friends but they weren't you, they didn't listen and talk back like you did so I did the only thing I could. I called you, I text you, I emailed when I could because I wanted so badly to be with you and I couldn't" Dean said tears filling his eyes which he rolled in defeat. "You answered every single time, Cas, and you missed me just as much as I missed you and then the week came, the last week you came down to see me and god…seeing your face was like stealing the sunshine out of the sky for one whole week. I got to kiss you and I fucking loved it every single time because months of waiting is not fun"

"Then you left and I was heartbroken all over again because I had no idea when I would see you again and once again, Sam told me to wait until the next time…but I didn't get one. You didn't call me back and I called you but you ignored me over and over again. I freaked, Cas, I freaked out because I didn't know where you were and I had to leave to see Eve who told me you were fine and dandy" Dean carried on bitterly. "I pushed it off that you were busy and had no time for me yet but it continued and continued till I was left waiting for you to call me back. I called you and another guy picked up, some stoner who told me you were wrapped up in another guys arms and I had no idea who it was and…well you know the rest"

"I had nothing to go on! I had my boyfriend hundreds of miles away ignoring my calls and I was left here…I worked, I drank, I attempted to spend time with other people, and I sat on that hill doing nothing but staring at the sun wondering what I had done wrong"

Castiel cried softly hearing the pain in Dean's words.

"I was just a stupid teenager who had fallen way too hard for someone so far and then I got that letter…I hated you so much for writing it and when you ended it…I could have killed you if you were in front of me. How could you have ended it, Cas? I would have waited for you and I didn't care if my life was on standstill because I didn't have one to begin with. Six weeks…six weeks of self-pity, self-loathing, and blaming myself for something _you _did and then there was the guy, I can't even remember his name, and we fucked because I was drunk, horny, and I wanted you."

"Then you called and talk about bad timing, Cas, you wanted to sort things out and I ruined it, I did, I shouldn't have but it wasn't wrong of me. You ended it completely and I was broken, Cas, I guess I seriously hoped we would get back together and then you changed your number and that was that. You were gone, I couldn't even go and see you to make it up and talk it through with you. Five years flew by and I grew up but you were always at the back of my mind, you were always in my stupid dreams in your teenage years because I didn't know how much you changed and I loved you so much it was painful" Dean said letting out a deep sigh.

"I dated women and men, I admit to that and I could of course but they weren't you…how sad is that? If I let you go completely I could be in a relationship, married, or even have a kid but I clung on to you and I had no idea where you even were, Cas, how pathetic and stupid is that? Then you came back and I didn't want to see you…you were gone and even though I still loved you I didn't want to bring that pain back up again"

"Then Sam and Jo happened" Castiel whispered.

"Yeah…yeah they happened and I was thrust into your life and you into my mine. I fell in love with you again and look what happened! I fell in love with an engaged man" Dean said chuckling. "You clearly didn't feel the same way about me and you moved on happily but that was my mistake…I shouldn't have held onto something dead for so long"

"I…I didn't know all of that, Dean, and I am so, so, sorry and nothing I can ever say can do anything to take all of that back. I don't think you're pathetic or sad and yes I moved on because I forgot all about how I felt for you" Castiel said wiping his wet cheek and letting out a pained sound. "I just want to make it up to you every single day because that's what time is for"

Dean looked over to him with hard eyes. "No, you can make it up to me without me there"

"Dean, please…"

"You seriously think I'm just going to take you back" Dean whispered. "Have I just said all that for nothing! You need to think, seriously think, about what you really want, Cas, because your other relationship just ended… Cas, how can I trust that you just won't get bored and end it when you're scared?"

"I won't" he pleaded.

"I can't trust that and I think you need to leave"

Castiel crumbled looking down at the floor and pressed a shaky hand to his mouth. "I can't lose you too"

"Welcome to my world, Cas, you're getting a little of how I felt all those years ago" Dean said moving to the door and opening it up. The rain hammered down outside and he waited patiently for Castiel to come over and look out.

"I have nowhere to go"

"That's not my problem"

"You gave me a little hope before"

"I know, my mistake I guess" Dean replied avoiding his eye contact.

Castiel exhaled nodding and moving past him stopping near the entrance.

"I'm sorry for what I did but like you I was just a teenager, I was scared and I didn't want you lingering forever. I love you and I always have, I was the first remember" Castiel said softly stepping out and walking out into the rain.

Dean shut the door leaning against the wall and let his head fall back against it. Castiel stared up at the rain feeling his dream come true. He had lost Balthazar to lies and deceit and lost Dean to lies, heartbreak, and a troubled broken past. Castiel walked down the road feeling the rain soak into his skin till he ended up outside his mother's.

Eve opened the door sleepy and confused to see Castiel.

"Tell me I still have you" he whispered.

"You have me, darling" Eve whispered pulling him into her arms and holding him close when he broke down sobbing into her shoulder.

It was a mess now but there is always a solution.

**A/N: This was a pain in the ass to write! I wanted Dean's whole perspective on it and for Castiel to feel everything he had done. It's not sunshine and roses, it's like a soap drama. Ahaha**.

**It's so depressing, I am so sorry. I'm hoping for a happy ending. **


	15. Chapter 15

Eve stepped in the living area to see Castiel on the couch up and awake staring at nothing.

"You're up early"

"I couldn't sleep" he murmured looking up when she handed him a cup of black coffee. "I kept thinking about what they said to me"

"You're in a whole lot of mess" she agreed sitting down next to him stroking a hand into his hair. "But you know the good thing about messy situations?"

"No"

"They can always be fixed" she said softly. "If you want to be with Dean then you have to fix it, Castiel, it's the only way"

"It can't be fixed, mom, he won't take me back…not after what I did"

"That was six years ago, sweetheart, everything is fixable"

"Not everything and not this"

Eve sighed removing her hand and standing up to get Luke.

"That is the talk of someone who has given up completely and not the talk of someone who is willing to do whatever they can to get back the one they love!" Eve said with a shake of her curls and walked out to get Luke out of his crib.

Castiel looked down at his lap feeling uncomfortable in damp clothes and knew he would have to return to the apartments to get his clothes and personal items. He turned his head when Eve came in walking Luke with two hands. His smile and giggles were infectious as Castiel smiled for the first time at him.

"Cas!" Anna cried running in and dropping down next to him. "I'm glad you're here"

"At least someone is" he murmured hugging her tight and letting her go. "I hear you have a boyfriend"

"Yeah" she said blushing. "Yesterday we held hands and got ice-cream"

"That sounds nice, is he a nice boy?"

"Yeah!" she said with a nod snatching the remote control and snapping through the channels.

"Can I get a shower and is it possible…"

"Yes and Jeff left clothes behind before he left" she said with a sad shine in her eyes. "They should fit you"

"Thanks, mom" he said with a smile walking upstairs and running the shower hot. The spray was amazing on his sore shoulders and back but it also gave him time to think, really think, about what he wanted and how he was going to sort it out but he honestly had no idea. How could he fix something that happened so many years ago?

Castiel leaned his head against the cold tiles feeling numb even with the hot spray. His hand involuntarily moved up switching it off and he stepped out dressing and drying.

"You're going back to the apartment?" Eve said with a raised eyebrow. "Do you think that's for the best?"

"Yes, he'll be at work and I have to get clothes and all my personal belongings" Castiel said with a sigh grabbing his keys and pecking her cheek. "I'll be back later on"

"Okay" she replied softly watching him wave his fingers at Luke and Anna before leaving.

Castiel set off towards the apartments praying he wasn't in after all. The door opened to reveal no one and the smell of whiskey in the air. He wrinkled his nose in disgust moving towards the bedroom to see it not slept in and sighed deeply. Castiel pulled out the suitcase shoving his clothes in it and looked under the bed taking out the black locked box. It contained everything he had with Dean and carried it everywhere. It was locked for protection and to make sure Balthazar never saw it or tried to have it thrown away.

Castiel was all packed and collected _his _car keys this time and went to drag it out when the front door opened and he stared at a blood shot Balthazar.

"What are you doing here?" he rasped and threw his keys on the side.

"I came to collect my things and to tell you that I'm staying here till the art gallery ends, I'm then flying back to Colorado to collect the stuff from the house and I'll be gone"

Balthazar narrowed his eyes at him and nodded. "Sure, you'll want to move in and live with your whore now"

"He's not a whore and we're not together"

"Turned you down?" Balthazar replied with a cruel smirk.

"Yes" Castiel said looking down at his suitcase. "I hurt him too much"

"Good! You don't deserve him, you don't deserve me, and you don't deserve happiness" Balthazar responded with a laugh. "I mean look at you, look around you, Cassy, you're whole world is falling around you and the only thing you are going to have left is a family stuck with you and your paintings"

Castiel looked away from him hurt by his comments.

"Are you going to tell the management to drop me?"

Balthazar rolled his eyes looking away. "No, you're an amazing artist and I'm sure you're go on to better things than them lot"

"They have been amazing"

"It'll turn sour" Balthazar said with a chuckle.

Castiel gave a faint smile looking down at the floor. Balthazar sighed deeply looking over to him once again.

"You're such an ass"

"I know"

"I hate you right now"

"I hate myself" Castiel replied not meeting his eye contact.

"Good" Balthazar responded and walked over handing him his credit cards. "Don't blow it all on candy"

"I won't" Castiel said softly taking them off his hands and pocketing them.

Balthazar looked over him one last time before turning away and back to his bottle.

"I want you to be happy"

"Sure you do"

"I do! I don't want you to drink your troubles away"

"Oh don't worry, I won't. I'm leaving tonight"

"Colorado?"

"Japan" Balthazar replied sipping his whiskey. "I have business there"

"Oh" Castiel said with a nod gripping the handle tight and moving towards the door. "Keep safe and trust no one over there"

"I won't"

Castiel opened his mouth to speak again but thought best and turned away opening the front door and leaving forever. He sat in the car feeling an ache pang in his chest for what he had and what he lost but it was for the best, it was always for the best.

His route took him back to his mothers and outside of the Singer household.

Dean was stood in the kitchen listening to Jo's retching upstairs and the television from the living room from Bobby and Ellen sat in there.

"I feel like death warmed up" Sam said collapsing against Dean's back. Dean smirked amused looking over his shoulder towards him.

"Serves you right, gigantor, you inhaled those shots last night"

"It was a good night, why did you leave?"

"I had a talk with Cas"

"Oh yeah" he breathed moving off his back and standing next to him. "What happened?"

"I told him everything and I told him to get out"

"What?"

"Oh don't you dare start, Sam, this was my decision and my decision only. I wasn't about to welcome him back in with open arms" Dean said stubbornly throwing the dishrag down.

Sam kept his mouth shut and simply looked over to him. "You sure you're not going to regret this?"

"Maybe when I'm eighty and I think…oh remember the guy I loved" Dean said sarcastically.

"Dean…"

"Leave me alone, Sam" Dean muttered moving away and attempting to walk upstairs when the door went. Castiel stood at the doorstep staring at Dean who rolled his eyes at him.

"What do you want?" Dean said leaning against the doorframe.

"Can I come in?"

"I don't think that's a good idea"

"Okay, can you come out here?"

"Fine" Dean snapped shutting the door behind him.

Castiel indicated his head over to the car so Dean would follow him over and they stepped inside. Dean sighed folding his arms leaning into the seat.

"Why am I here?"

"I wanted to show that I never forgot you, not for one second" he said handing over the black locked box. "I took this everywhere with me even when I was with Balthazar"

Dean flicked his eyes over to him opening it up and staring at the contents shocked. His hand moved inside picking out the photo of the two of them in the photo booth and he smiled.

"I remember this" he murmured looking over the two of them laughing and messing around in the first three, the fourth of them falling and the empty one at the end. "I had a huge bruise on my ribs from when you landed on top of me"

"I remember it too, I laughed so much and it was so much fun" Castiel said with a small smile.

Dean placed it down and moved the contents around with a frown.

"There's just one thing missing" he said looking over to him with hard furious eyes. "The amulet"

"You mean this amulet?" Castiel said softly bringing it out of his t-shirt.

Dean stared at the faded gold of the head and up to Castiel in awe. Castiel smiled back at him stroking his thumb over it and letting it fall against his chest.

"I never lost it, I kept it safe with me at all times, Dean, and I used to wear it all the time"

"I see that" Dean said leaning over and taking it. "It's well worn"

"It's old now"

Dean hummed moving back feeling a warm glow in his heart picking up old pictures from their youth, toy figures that once belonged to them, and even grass.

"Why is there grass in here?"

"It's from the hill, I found it in my pocket after I told I liked you and well…it's a very good memory of mine" Castiel replied with a shrug.

Dean chuckled shaking his head and found a white envelope addressed to him at the bottom.

"What's this?"

"That's…oh my god" he whispered taking it off him. "I wrote this to you before I met Balthazar, it was a few weeks before I met him and I was thinking of you…I wrote this letter and I was building up the courage to send it again and then I met him"

Castiel handed it back to him with a sad smile. "I can't remember what I wrote"

"Why didn't you send it?"

"I met him and all my thoughts ran away with me" Castiel responded sadly. "I must have put it in here and forgot about it"

"I see" Dean said brushing his hands over the envelope and placing it in his lap. "I'll read it when I'm inside"

Castiel nodded watching him bring out different items till he reached a comic book and laughed shocked.

"You kept it?"

"Yes"

"Wow" Dean breathed flicking through it. "This is amazing, Cas, I can't believe you kept all of this…I only have this"

Castiel stared at the black bracelet and nodded. "It's enough"

Dean looked over to him and placed the lid back on the box handing it back over to him.

"What's this meant to mean?"

"It's meant to show you that I never forgot about you like you never forgot about me. I'm also here to tell you that I'm staying till the art gallery ends and then I'm flying back to Colorado to collect my things"

"What are you going to do after that?"

"I don't know…find an island maybe, travel the world, or find someplace beautiful and paint it" Castiel said with a shrug. "Carry on without you I guess"

"That's what you really want?"

Castiel shook his head leaning into the car seat. "Do you want to know what I really want?"

"Yeah" Dean said slowly.

"I want to find a little island somewhere out there or whatever, somewhere hot, secluded, and with you" Castiel said softly looking over to him. "I'd paint anything I could and if they were good I would send them to my management. I'd have you and I wouldn't need anything else apart from food and water I guess"

Dean sighed deeply turning the letter in his hands. "Dreams and nothing more"

"No, hope"

"I'm going back inside" Dean said reaching for the door and opening it up.

Castiel looked out of the window feeling the ache inside him spread across his chest and he choked.

"Nothing I ever do can make it up to you can it?" Castiel murmured.

Dean hovered shutting his eyes for a long moment. Castiel flinched when the car door shut after him and he hovered his hands over the steering wheel. His eyes flicked over to the front door to see Dean enter it and close the door behind him.

Dean leaned against the door with a sigh ignoring the looks from Bobby and Ellen. His feet took him upstairs and he sat on the bed staring down at the letter before ripping it open and staring at the letter.

**~0~0~0~**

_**Dean. **_

_**I know this letter will come as a huge shock to you but I haven't forgotten you. I have never forgotten you. I regret writing the other letter so much, Dean, and I should have never wrote it. I don't know what was I thinking at the time but I was a silly little kid. I've been thinking of you a lot over these past few weeks wondering how you are, what you are doing, and if you are a relationship now. If you are, I'm sorry I was too late. **_

_**I regret ignoring your calls and I know I should have answered it. I also know how angry you are with me and I don't blame you. I only hope you write back to me. **_

_**You were everything to me and you still are, Dean, you're one in a billion and my best friend. I was so happy when you came to me that day wanting to be my friend and no one else's. I felt special and wanted for the first time in a long time. **_

_**I don't honestly remember the moment I fell in love with you but I think the moment I realised was when we were drunk, we stole beer and hid in my brother's tree house. You kept going on and on about how we were made to be superstars and I would be successful, I would buy you cars and we would be together forever. It was the moment I realised I was in love with my silly, reckless, and amazing but straight best friend. **_

_**I wanted you so bad and it killed me every single time you kissed or had sex with another girl. I wanted to be that person in your arms and I was so jealous. **_

_**I got you though. One drunken night on that hill and I had you. I was so happy and I didn't have to fall in love with you because I already was but watching you fall in love with me is indescribable. I destroyed that. I broke us up and I am sorry, Dean, I have no words until I meet you once again about how much I regret it but doesn't everyone deserve a second chance in life? I know I never gave you that on the day of that phone call but I was so hurt.**_

_**I know it's been four years and I deserve nothing in return for what I did to you. I made a horrible mistake but I'm only human. I make mistakes, I do wrong but all I need is one day your forgiveness and hopefully your love.**_

_**You're probably long gone and moved on by now and this letter will never reach you but I just want you to know that I love you, I have always loved you, and I've loved you since I was sixteen years old and nothing but a simple teenager. **_

_**They say teenagers have no idea what love is but I do. Love isn't simple. Love is passionate, insane, and weird, plus out of control and laced with darkness, bitterness, jealously, protectiveness, and it's our one weakness. You're my weakness. **_

_**I don't blame you if you hate me and burn this letter in hatred, I deserve it. **_

_**I'm so sorry. **_

_**I love you, Deano. **_

_**Cas. **_

**~0~0~0~**

Castiel smiled at Becky who ran over throwing her arms around him in a tight hug.

"I can't believe it, you actually did it"

"I grew a pair of balls" he joked pulling away from her.

"No, you simply grew up" she said touching his cheek. "How are you feeling?"

"Awful" he said sadly. "I've lost Balthazar and Dean…my dream came true. I'm just waiting for you to reject me and my family to chuck me out"

"Never" Becky said in a hard voice with narrowed eyes. "I will never reject you, I am the best personal assistant in California and I don't abandon my friends"

"Good" he whispered looking around. "I just want this to be over, I wonder if I can leave sooner"

"What about Dean?"

"I thought I could fight for him and he would fight for me but…it seems like fate doesn't want us to be together. I've hurt him so much" Castiel said shaking his head. "No more, I'm going to speak to Zach and hopefully be out of here sooner than I expected"

Becky gaped at him wordlessly as he walked away from her. Castiel knocked on the office door to see Zach typing at his desk.

"Ah, Mr Milton, do come in" he said gesturing a hand at the seat. "How can I help you?"

"I want you to close the art gallery sooner or let me go sooner"

"Excuse me?"

"I need to leave California as soon as possible so I can return home and carry on with my life. I'm going to leave Becky here to sort through the final paper work and then she'll come out and join me."

"I see" Zach said thoughtfully looking over him and sighing deeply. "Fine"

"Seriously?"

"Yes, yes, the best bit is over anyway" Zach said with a wave of his hand. "It is unprofessional to leave though"

"I don't care" Castiel said simply standing up and leaving without a second word.

Becky looked up when he returned. "Well?"

"I leave as soon I can" Castiel said dropping down into the seat.

"Are you really leaving without fighting for him?"

"I don't know" he breathed leaning back closing his eyes. "Balthazar is leaving for Japan though"

"Lucky shit" she said shocked causing shocked laughter from Castiel.

"I want to fight for him, I'd fight for him till the end of time but if he doesn't want me then what am I fighting for"

"I thought he was fighting for you"

"I think he was and then his own realisation hit him and he realised I wasn't worth it"

"You two" she said shaking her head and slapping her hands over her eyes. "You make me want to cry! You're like Romeo and Romeo expect you're more tragic and don't want to kill yourselves over nothing"

"I've never heard of us sounding like that before"

"You two need a good fuck that's what you need, all that pent up anger, stress, angst, and everything along with it can be put into good use"

Castiel laughed into his hands. "What would I do without you?"

"Fail dramatically" she teased flicking her pen at him.

Castiel looked away from her amused towards the doors of the art gallery.

"I need my laptop" he said with a sigh. "Flights to Colorado here I come"

Dean looked at Sam and Jo who read over the letter and Jo sighed with a pained look on her face.

"I don't think I can take anymore!"

"It's like a movie" Sam murmured folding it back up.

"What do I do?" Dean said looking at each of them in turn. "I don't know what to do"

"You get him back!" Jo shouted.

"I told you! I'm not welcoming him back with open arms"

"You stubborn, stupid, sonofabitch, Dean Winchester, did you read this letter with closed eyes? What does he have to do? Fight a battle for you? Swim across the Atlantic for you? Write a love song for you? Get down and swear his love and loyalty to your stupid ass?" Jo shouted hitting him over the head. "You two are bad as each other and even Sam agrees with me"

"Oh do you?" Dean said looking over to Sam with wide eyes.

"I just want you to be happy, Dean"

"You two have made your share of mistakes, misgivings, but like he said in this everyone deserves a second chance and forgiveness! You have what you want, Dean, he ended this relationship and he is trying for you! He took that huge step but like you said, Dean, he's just a child deep down and he doesn't know what he's doing, not really, and you were the one who wanted to fight for him first not the other way around" Jo ranted throwing the letter at him. "He wrote this before Balthazar, right? Balthazar came along all charm, sexiness, wit, success, and he changed Castiel. He forgot that's all, you were replaced and a lot of people are but they never forget, Dean, he never forgot"

Dean buried his face into his hands and drew away with a deep breath.

"I need a walk" he muttered grabbing the letter and leaving Jo and Sam behind.

"I need to move out of here" Jo said looking over to Sam who smirked amused.

"Go for it"

Jo exhaled with a huff brushing past him and out of the bedroom.

Dean looked up at the orange and blue sky of the setting sun and headed towards the hill. The hill stood alone and bare as Dean walked up it till he reached the top and looked out across the town seeing California in all her beauty.

Castiel sat in front of the laptop and clicked "order" for tickets leaving tomorrow at 6pm straight for Colorado. He sighed sitting back and reached for his cell staring at Dean's number wondering if he should ring.

Dean did the same pulling out his cell looking out the number and clicked call. The phone rang once and he heard the click of answer.

"Come to the hill" Dean said softly.

Dean sat down on the hill at the end of the call looking over the letter waiting for the familiar figure who he watched approach and stand in front of him.

"Hello, Deano"

"Hey, Casanova"

**A/N: I'm cruel, I know. No, this is not the end. I will continue it on in another chapter of course. Thank you so much for the reviews! You are all so lovely. **


	16. Chapter 16

Dean stared at Castiel glowing in front of the sun behind them. His eyes roamed down the features that had changed, strengthened, and moulded into the man he was today. His appearance had changed but his personality was still so strong but so childlike that he looked to others for answers and chose the wrong paths. Castiel smiled faintly fidgeting with the amulet hanging around his neck that would now be a forever fixture. Dean's heart glowed at the sight of him wearing it once again and he stood facing him.

"You seriously can't remember writing this?" Dean said thrusting the letter forward so it fluttered in the light breeze. Castiel shook his head stepping forward and taking it off him.

"Oh…yes" he breathed and chuckled. "I poured my heart and soul into this"

"Maybe that's where it's been all this time" Dean replied with a cocky grin.

Castiel narrowed his eyes amused handing it back to him. "I meant every word I wrote, Dean, I regret not sending it more than anything. I think we could have resolved our issues better than we have now"

"Probably" Dean agreed kicking the dirt with the tip of his shoe.

"I've booked my flight back to Colorado"

"Oh? When are you leaving?"

"Tomorrow at 6pm"

Dean's eyes widened shocked and he stepped forward. "What? I thought you were waiting"

"Zach told me I could go, it's unprofessional, but since Balthazar is travelling to Japan I can over now and sort everything out"

Dean's heart beat painfully in his chest at the thought of him leaving so soon and he turned away with a nod.

"Are you coming back?"

Castiel moved closer to him and shrugged his shoulders up and down.

"It all depends really. I have my family here of course but I can see them anytime I want…I'd have to come back for someone who wanted me to come back and was willing to give us another chance"

"Little old me" Dean said with a nod.

"Yes, I won't return if you don't want me too, Dean, I can leave and you'll never see me again. I can give that closure you want" Castiel said softly looking out across the town and state. "I remember now why I loved this hill so much"

"The view was always gorgeous" Dean murmured in agreement.

"Oh I don't know…"

Dean looked over to Castiel staring at him with a faint smile. He rolled his eyes up to the sky and sat down carefully feeling and seeing Castiel do the same. They remained silent looking out over the hill till Dean sighed cracking his knuckles.

"I don't know what to do. Part of me wants to take you back and the other is afraid"

"You must know I will never, ever, let you go again, Dean, I have realised my mistakes and I've grown up. We live one life and one life only and it's up to us to take the chances presented to us. Life is far too short" Castiel said leaning his cheek on his knee. "I want you, Dean, I want to love you, make it up to you, and spend the rest of my stupid life looking after you till we're old and can no longer fuck or even walk"

Dean chuckled shaking his head and shutting his eyes. The sun beat down on them warming their skins, the summer breeze blew around them, and Dean could smell _summer. _It was a pleasant smell and it made him happy.

"That sounds like heaven"

"Shouldn't we create our own heavens?"

"I guess or just wait till we die"

"You're so morbid" Castiel whispered with a puff of laughter burying his face into his arms.

Dean fell back into the grass staring up at the leaves and sky up ahead and feeling Castiel roll onto his front next to him.

"We've spent these past few weeks in a rollercoaster, Dean, it's had its up and downs, its twists and turns and now it's coming to an end. We're on the final loop and its make or break for the both of us" Castiel murmured softly ripping grass between his fingertips. "Do we end it together or apart?"

Dean looked over to his wide eyes and Dean lost himself in them. They were beautifully blue reminding Dean of the ocean at their pier. They were endless, deep, and full of secrets, lies, and most of all love for Dean that it terrified him to his core. Castiel's hopeful expression fell at the silence and he nodded dropping the grass pushing up onto his knees.

"I guess we part ways on this rollercoaster" Castiel whispered rubbing his fingers on the grass stain on his jeans. Dean pushed up staring up at him and opened his mouth to speak and felt no words come out. Castiel's smile was sad and serene enough for Dean's own heart to break and he moved forward kissing Dean on the forehead.

"It will be okay" he whispered stroking a hand down his cheek. "I guess this is time for me to give you your closure"

"Cas…" Dean whispered pained looking up at him.

"I love you" Castiel whispered. "Always have, always will"

Dean shut his eyes and reached out when he moved away walking back down the hill not saying another word. Dean swore gently watching him walk quickly down the hill and back towards his car.

The wind rustled above him and he frowned deeply knowing it was either laughing at him or calling him every word under the sun for a being a complete and utter idiot. Dean shoved the letter into his pocket and took off after him stopping halfway down to see him driving away in his car.

"Fuck!" Dean hissed and ran down to his own car. Dean jumped in the car twisting the key hard to start her up and wondering where he could possibly go. Eve jumped automatically into his mind and he stepped down driving straight to hers. Dean was faced with a challenge though when he arrived to see the car not there.

"Great" he said with a sigh and did a U-turn to the art gallery finding the car not there either.

"Did you disappear to Narnia?" Dean hissed pulling out his phone and dialling his number to get no answer. "I'm going to kick our ass and then kiss it, call me back when you get this"

Castiel drove you into town to pick up supplies struggling to get a grip on his own emotions. Half of him wanted to cry, fight, and break down but the other wanted to remain strong and know that maybe just maybe it was for the best. Castiel ignored his cell knowing it would be Becky demanding to know the plans of the day and he couldn't deal with that today.

He walked into the local store collecting items of food for his long trip back and mentally decided what he would need. The thought of returning to an empty house and packing everything away scared him to death when he realised he had nowhere to go.

"Apartment for now" Castiel mumbled softly. "The look abroad further out and build my life"

Castiel felt uneasy about the plan and sighed dropping his basket at the checkout smiling at the little old lady scanning his items.

Dean tapped his fingers thoughtfully on the steering wheel staring at his phone.

"Dammit, Cas" he hissed dialling his number and getting voicemail once again. Dean closed his eyes dropping his head against the steering wheel erupting pain across his forehead and nose. Dean knew he had well and truly screwed it up now.

Dean looked up at the art gallery not knowing what the pull of art brought. He had loved Castiel's work because it was unique and special to Castiel so it made it special for Dean. Dean was so lost in his thoughts he didn't notice Castiel's car pull up behind him and he stepped out walking in. Dean froze staring at his figure walking in and rolled his eyes.

"Stupid…" he hissed darting out and running after him. "Cas!"

Castiel turned startled in the middle of his art gallery watching Dean run towards him.

"What are you doing here?"

Dean walked towards till he was stood only inches apart looking into his eyes.

"I've been a stupid bastard, you've been a stupid bastard, and together we're insanity but that's the beauty of it. I don't work without you, Cas, and I know I've been an insufferable jerk these past few days but so have you. I know I pushed you out but it's because you hurt me, but I guess I hurt you right back. I know one thing though… you're mine and I'm yours, it's always been that way since we were fourteen and all we had were each other" Dean said trailing his hand down his cheek and smiling when Castiel did.

"I love you too and I always have…I can't stop!" he exclaimed making Castiel laugh softly moving them together and pressing his forehead against his. "We've both said our piece, I've spoken mine out load and you've wrote yours down…we have both our families on our backs about just getting together again…and the only thing is stopping us is our stubbornness. I think we both need to stop now"

"What about not taking me back straight away?" Castiel whispered.

"Well…I haven't really, it's been a day" Dean said with a shrug and a smirk.

"Oh okay then" Castiel whispered giving in and looking into his eyes. "So…are we…?"

Dean moved forward into his personal space meeting Castiel who cupped his cheek and nuzzled into his mouth. The kiss was slow, languid and perfect enough for Castiel who moaned pressing into him.

Becky who had approached stopped at the doors and pressed a hand over her heart breathing out wistfully. Dean drew back pressing a kiss over his top lip and laughing softly.

"It feels good to do that without wanting to punch you or know that any minute your fiancé will walk in on us"

"Punch me?"

Dean hummed cupping the back of his neck and kissing him over and over again. Castiel smiled drawing back to look at him.

"Do you think we can do this?"

"I think we can do anything if we put our mind to it"

"I am leaving tomorrow though; I do have to go back"

"I know and that's why we are going to make it worthwhile until you come back" Dean said holding out his hand watching Castiel slide his hand down to meet his so they interlinked together.

Dean couldn't deny the dwelling fear in the pit of his stomach at the thought of losing him again but pushed it aside because he had to. The past is the past until it bites you on the ass.

**~0~0~0~**

"Hotel room?" Castiel questioned when they parked outside the hotel miles away.

"Well what I want to do requires four walls and no family members with ears" Dean said when they walked in getting their room card. "I thankfully have enough money for this"

"I feel cheap"

Dean rolled his eyes at him as they stepped into the lift and Dean realised they were on the top floor of the huge hotel. Castiel looked around leaning against the wall and looking at Dean who walked over pressing him into the wall.

"I bet I can get you to reach orgasm before we reach the top floor" Dean said in a low voice. Castiel gasped when Dean's hands unfastened the top of his buttons at lightning speed fisting around his half hard cock.

"Oh my god" Castiel whispered against his shoulder. "Anyone can call for the lift!"

"Makes it more fun" Dean hissed back stroking him hard and fast. The lift dinged causing Dean to spring back swallowing hard while Castiel adjusted flushing furiously. A horde of people moved inside talking and chattering from a conference.

Dean gripped Castiel tugging him to the back pressing him into the wall looking into his wide eyes.

"No!" Castiel mouthed at him shocked when Dean half covered him from view slipping his hand back into his pants rubbing him softly. Castiel panted gently into his shoulder looking at the men and women chatting amongst themselves as they stopped and started as people left and people joined them.

Dean stroked his hand harder pressing him against the wall feeling Castiel turn his head with a quiet whimper into his neck. It was when Castiel glanced up at the clock seeing it reach the top floor was when he gasped loudly feeling his orgasm explode hard and painfully all over him as he came into his trousers and over his hand. Heads turned towards them questioningly when Dean slipped his hand out quickly stepping back.

"I'm just…I'm just so glad to be at the top floor" he lied with a smile when they exchanged glances with each other and walked out. Dean stared at Castiel with shocked amusement walking out quickly followed by a stumbling Castiel. Dean held in his laughter as they found their room.

Castiel glared at him furiously when he closed the door and laughed hard.

"I'm just so glad to be at the top?"

"What did you want me to say? My boyfriend just gave me a hand job in a lift surrounded by people"

Dean smirked dropping his phone and keys on the side table.

"Boyfriend?"

"Well...yes or no…I mean I can say something else if you want for now…" Castiel rambled and was cut off when Dean pounced on him kissing him hard and roughly. Castiel responded eagerly wrapping his arms around him with a heartfelt moan. Dean pushed him back till they hit the end of the king bed and shoved him on. Castiel gasped with a smile moving up the bed till he hit the headboard watching Dean strip out of his clothing and join him.

Dean straddled his hips keeping him in place unbuttoning his borrowed shirt slowly till his chest was revealed. He marvelled kissing down his chest and licking a warm tongue over his nipple. Castiel shivered in delight rising up to him and shaking his head.

"It's my turn" he whispered gripping his forearms and spinning them around till Castiel was plastering Dean against the mattress.

"Your turn?"

Yes, it's my job now" he cooed into his ear stroking a hand down his cheek and smiling when Dean shuddered in anticipation. Castiel raised staring over him and moving to kneel between his legs and took down his underwear slowly revealing him in all his glory. Dean groaned lightly when he moved his head kissing his hipbone softly, his hands tangled into the mess of dark brown hair urging him forward. Castiel inhaled deeply taking in Dean who gasped when his hands wrapped around his cock and he licked the slit taking the pre-come bubbling on the tip. Dean gasped rocking his hips deep into Castiel's mouth that sucked him down till his lips were buried at the hilt.

Dean panted dragging and yanking on his hair roughly till his orgasm peaked and he flooded Castiel's mouth and throat. Castiel hummed licking the wet cock till every last drop was taken and Dean shivered over sensitive.

"You were always good with that mouth" Dean murmured exhausted pulling him down kissing him gently. Castiel hummed leaning his cheek against his inhaling his musky smell and smiling when Dean linked their hands together.

"Do we need to talk?" Castiel murmured leaning up to look at him.

"Haven't we done enough talking?"

"Yes but I think we need to talk about our future"

"I thought you had our future planned?" Dean said thoughtfully.

"I hope for a future with you"

"I realise now that I want this future"

"What made you change your mind? You were so set on not wanting me back?" Castiel said gently cupping the side of his face peering into his eyes.

"Fear" Dean said honestly. "The letter as well…I realised how much of a pain in the ass I was being and you had been, I also didn't want to lose you so soon. I had no idea you would leave"

"It wasn't intentional…I just wanted to make a move with my life. I would and will always fight for you till the end of time but why fight a losing battle?" Castiel murmured looking away from him. "You didn't want me and as much as it pained me to leave or even give you up I wanted to do what was best".

Dean nodded once looking towards the window and back to him.

"We've missed out on six years, six long years in fact, and I don't feel like missing a single second anymore, do you?"

Castiel shook his head with a gentle smile nuzzling the side of his neck and pulling back.

"Lost time indeed" Castiel said spreading Dean's legs wide. Dean sucked in a sharp breath watching him rake his eyes down him and hum disappointed.

"What?"

"I would fuck you so hard you'd feel it for days, Dean, but I have no lube for you" Castiel said trailing his fingers down his inner thighs. Dean moaned squeezing his eyes shut.

"My-my pocket" he hissed pointing down at his jeans. Castiel raised an eyebrow scooping it up and fishing out a small blue bottle.

"You carry around lube?"

"Of course I do! You never know when you just want to fuck against a wall" Dean said breathless when Castiel stroked his hands down his legs and rested them on his feet.

Castiel hummed popping open the cap with a knowing look in his eyes. Dean spread his legs wider rocking his hips upwards eager and demanding. Castiel lips quirked into a smirk and he rubbed the cool liquid between his fingers eager to please him and slipped a single finger inside him. Dean gasped at the sharp heat exploding inside him and moaned ardently when he crooked it deep inside of him. Castiel slipped a second inside him scissoring and sliding them in and out of the wet heat.

"Please, Cas, please" he begged covering his eyes and throwing them down. Castiel clucked his tongue in his cheek meeting his eyes and moving sharply up to hover over him.

"I'm sorry"

"Save it, fuck me" Dean hissed bringing him towards him ravishing his mouth. Castiel moaned pulling back gripping his hips and pushing deep inside of him. Dean gaped wordlessly at the sudden intrusion and breathed through clenched teeth when he bottomed out.

"Are you okay?" Castiel whispered down at him looking at the sweat that had broken across his forehead and chest.

"Yeah" Dean said breathless with a nod. "Move, Cas"

Castiel thrust inside the tight wet heat gripping Dean's hand as they rocked together fast and hard making up for lost time. The suite was filled with harsh moans, the slap of sweaty skin touching each other with every thrust, the headboard banging against the wall and the smell of sex penetrating the air. Castiel tilted Dean's chin up kissing him hard when he climaxed and filled him with hot heat that trickled inside of him. Dean gasped pulling away seeing white in the corner of his eyes and feeling his heart beat hard against his ribcage.

They fell against each other panting hard for breath and comforting one another with loving caresses and silence. Dean let his chin rest on Castiel's shoulder for a moment before pulling away settling into the cushion underneath his head.

Castiel pulled out slowly rolling away and onto his back. Dean's eyes looked over to him and he reached out rolling onto his side.

"Why did you say, I'm sorry?"

"Because I am" Castiel said settling into the circle of his arms. "I will never stop being sorry, Dean, and this is why I am never going to stop making it up to you"

"You can stop in ten years" Dean joked trailing his fingers down his bare arm. "I still don't know if I can trust that you'll come back, Cas"

Castiel stared back at him with sad eyes reaching out to stroke his sweaty fallen hair. "You don't know if you can trust me"

"No, no, I just…I think it's like anyone who's been hurt by someone they care about…you can love them to death but the trust? It's hard to gain back when it's been broken so many times" Dean admitted.

"I swear I won't break it, I will come back" he said cupping the back of his neck. Dean didn't say a word as he bent his head capturing his lips and kissing him slowly till Castiel near enough fell asleep still kissing him. Dean looked over him brushing a gentle hand into the locks of his hair and looked away towards the window not wanting to think about tomorrow.

**~0~0~0~**

Throughout the night and most of the morning was spent reconnecting in every way possible and on every surface of the room till they were sore and spent.

"Where are we going now?" Dean questioned when they were dressed and ready to leave.

"My mom's if you want to come with me before I leave, I think she would like to know" Castiel answered moving from the mirror and grabbing his jacket.

"Okay" Dean said with a bob of his head following him out as they set off out and towards Eve's.

Eve stood in the kitchen secretly frantic with worry for her missing son and ran to the door when the knocker went.

"Castiel, I swear to god I am going to…" he said furiously and stopped when she opened the door. Castiel smiled sheepishly back at his mother who looked between him and Dean stood on her doorstep.

"Please, please, please tell me this is good news and you two children have sorted those silly differences" she said looking between them.

Castiel inhaled deeply looking over to Dean who looked back at him with raised eyebrows.

"I don't know, Cas, are we?"

"I'm not sure, Dean" he teased before gripping the front of his jacket and bringing him into a brief kiss. Dean smiled into it pulling back only slightly with a nod.

"I think so" Castiel breathed turning to his mom. Eve looked between them and moved forward hugging them both tight.

"You two!" she exclaimed moving back inside.

"Do you think she's happy?"

"Yes" Castiel said moving inside to see her scooping up Luke.

"I beg you to not out like this one and be the sweet little angel you are now" she cooed kissing his cheek.

"Should I be offended?"

"You had me so worried! Are you leaving tonight then? I got your message" she said with concern in her eyes for Dean.

"I'm leaving for Colorado and returning soon after with everything until we decide what to do"

"Why don't you go with him?" Eve said looking over to Dean.

"No money and no time" Dean said with a shrug. Castiel looked back at him with soft eyes for a moment before turning back to mother.

"Or…you don't come back and _you_ pay for Dean to go over to there" Eve said jiggling Luke who squealed restfully.

"It's an idea yes but I have no home" Castiel said with a tired sigh. "It's in Balthazar's name, not mine, and I would need to find somewhere for us to live"

"Where's Balthazar?"

"Japan"

"Well…while you find this new place just live there together"

Castiel considered and looked over to Dean who bit his lip gently.

"I'd have to leave Sam behind" Dean said slowly.

"Dean, this is just an idea" Castiel said reassuring him placing two hands on his hips. "I _will _come back and we'll decide what we're going to do when I do"

Dean nodded kissing him back and looking over to Eve who watched them closely.

"I'm sure whatever happens, you two will be fine" she said softly walking away.

"I hope so" Dean murmured coming up behind him and wrapping his arms around his waist. Castiel smiled leaning back into his warmth resting there for a moment and craning his neck to look at him.

"I need to pack…so you go home and tell them all and I'll come join you when I'm finished" Castiel whispered against his cheek. Dean nodded kissing his nose like he used to when they were younger and receiving a small humoured smile in return. Dean smacked him on the ass as he left and headed back over to home with a little spring in his step.

Sam ran to the door when it opened and sighed in relief.

"Have you lost the ability to use a phone?"

"Chill" Dean said looking as the other three joined him all looking annoyed. "I was with Cas"

"And?" Jo said waving her hand.

"We're back on track"

Jo squealed in joy running towards him and throwing her arms around him.

"You do listen to me!"

"It wasn't for you, it was for me" he said letting her go.

"What made you change your mind from all the "I'm not taking him back" "I'm moving on" and all that shit along with it" Sam said curiously.

"The letter and fear I guess…I was right not to take him back straight away but…I guess I was on my own high horse" he said with a shrug. "It's just about trusting again…he's leaving for Colorado tonight"

"Oh my god" Jo whispered. "He is coming back right?"

"Yeah…I hope so" Dean said scrubbing hands down his face and sniffing deeply.

Castiel packed the last of his things and looked at his passport with a deep sigh. He hated the thought of leaving Dean behind for one second when things were so new between them and back on track. He knew that the fear of rejection would be high in the air for him more than ever.

**~0~0~0~**

Castiel stared at Dean as they stood in the airport.

"Well this brings back a whole load of shit memories" Dean muttered looking away from Castiel.

"That was different, Dean, this is now" Castiel said urgently wrapping his arms around him in a tight hug. "I love you so much and I'm not about to throw this away, not now, not ever"

Dean clung to him breathing in his cologne and brushed his nose along his stubble.

"You're mine, I'm yours" Dean whispered looking into his eyes.

"For forever and a day" Castiel whispered back and turned his head to see he was boarding. "I hate saying this but I have to go"

"Go then, go pack that life up and haul your ass back here"

"Keep your phone on and alert at all times" Castiel warned pulling him into a heated kiss. "I'll see you in a few days"

Dean nodded stepping back and swallowing hard.

"I love you, Deano" Castiel teased and laughing when he rolled his eyes at him.

"I may love you, Casanova"

Castiel grinned blowing him an air kiss amused when Dean shook his head at him. Castiel turned on his heel walking to the terminal door and leaving Dean to breathe out heavily and watch him turn back as he reached the door and mouth, "I love you"

"I love you too" Dean whispered over to him before looking down at his feet when he left through the door.

It was just the waiting game as Castiel boarded the plane looking down at the gold head on his chest and smiling faintly. Dean walked outside sliding in the car, shutting his eyes, and rubbing his forehead willing the ache to fade away. Dean knew he would return but the trust he held wavered when memories hit him of last time and he wondered how long he would have to wait this time for a phone call and his return.

**A/N: There are two chapters left, the last chapter, and of course a future chapter. This was meant to be the last but I got carried away as per usual. Ha! **

**Enjoy, my faithful angels. **


	17. Chapter 17

Dean's heart skipped a little when the phone rang and he answered it immediately.

"This is the third call today, Mr Milton"

"I miss the sound of your voice" Castiel responded with a smile.

"I miss _you_" Dean said with a sigh dropping down on the bed. "Come back"

"I will soon I promise…it's just a lot" Castiel said looking around. "A lot of the stuff here is Balthazar's and I just don't know what to do with all my stuff I can't bring it back there"

"Sell it?"

"I guess" he said with a sigh. "How much are you missing me?"

"A lot, it's been four days and it sucks ass" Dean muttered bitterly. "Just come back now"

"Okay I'll start walking now" Castiel teased opening his laptop.

"Hilarious" Dean muttered picking at his jeans.

"Few more days, Dean, and I'll be home and I'm all yours" Castiel replied opening the booking page and planning to return home sooner rather than later surprising him.

"How do I not know you have a better looking guy called Steve back there fucking you senseless?"

"You don't and don't worry he's in the shower" Castiel replied coolly.

"You're not funny"

"I am, love, and you know it"

Dean rolled his eyes looking towards the window. "You are lying, right?"

"Yes, I am all yours" Castiel muttered confirming his flight details and smiling secretly. "I'll call you tomorrow, okay?"

"Fine"

"I love you"

Dean hummed picking at a thread on his jeans.

"Dean…"

"I love you too" Dean murmured softly.

"That's all I wanted to hear" Castiel said and pulled the phone away hanging up. Dean sighed deeply tossing the phone to the side and looking up when Sam strolled in.

"You look pissed"

"Cas doesn't know when he's coming back"

"He's moving his whole life over here, Dean; he's going to need a few days".

Dean responded with a sneer turning on the television.

Castiel hadn't been all that truthful with Dean. He had packed everything he could that would come with him and he left the rest to Balthazar who he knew would end up selling everything and all their belongings. It made him a little sad as he looked around the spacious apartment and had to admit that he was once happy, they were both happy. It made Castiel feel a little bit guilty at the hurt he had caused Balthazar who had given him everything and more but his heart belonged to Dean and it always had.

His phone buzzed and he smiled flicking it open.

"Becky" he greeted warmly.

"When are you coming back?"

"I really am missed"

"Nope, I just have a lot of paper work here needing your bloody signature"

"I know! I'm flying back tomorrow"

"Seriously!"

"Deadly" he said with a small smile.

"Dean is going to flip out with happiness" Becky said with a wistful sigh.

"It's a surprise for him" Castiel said opening a drink.

"What are you two going to do, Castiel, I mean…are you going to move or…?"

"I don't know just yet but I think we're just going to take it one day at a time"

"Cute" Becky cooed and sighed deeply. "Get that ass back and sign my papers"

"Ma'am" he said and smiled when she said her goodbyes and hung up. Castiel dropped down on the sofa prepared to say goodbye to Colorado once and for all. It was back to California for however long and with the man he loved, it couldn't get any better than that.

"Are you going to get married one day?" Jo said pestering Dean who ignored her eating his breakfast the next day. "I think you should…did you think I should buy an outfit?"

"Jo?"

"What?"

"Shut. Up" he ordered and looked down at his bacon sandwich. "I don't have a clue when he's coming back and you're talking about marriage?"

"You love him, he loves you, and you can seal the deal"

"We're not a contract!"

"I know that, but you could one day"

"Go away" he said aiming a kick at her and shaking his head when she smirked hopping out of the chair and walking out. Dean frowned grabbing his phone and dialling his number hearing it ring and ring till he got voicemail. Dean pulled the phone away staring at it in and redialling it feeling an inner panic. It rang till it cut out and Dean stared feeling afraid and a wave of fear and rejection washed over him completely.

Dean pushed the phone away grinding his teeth together contemplating. He had answered every day so far and he knew it was childish, pathetic, and irrational but the fear of losing him all over again drove him to stare at his phone enraged.

"Bastard" he hissed picking it up and sighing deeply. "You better pick up or I swear I'll hunt you down".

Dean dialled his number a final time and groaned when he didn't pick up. His head hit the table in defeat and he stared out at the kitchen feeling sick with fear.

"What's up with you?" Bobby said walking in.

"Cas is ignoring me" Dean said grimly.

"Well what do you know…my time machine works" Bobby said gruffly.

"What?"

"Grow up, Dean, he's not ignoring you, boy, he's a busy man"

Dean buried his face into his hands. "I know, I know, I think I'm having major trust issues"

"These are Ellen's words, not mine, but a relationship can't work without trust"

"It takes time to gain it back as well, we've been apart for six years" Dean said grabbing his phone. "I have every right to feel this way, Bobby, and you know it"

Dean moved out of the kitchen and into the garden watching Bones sniff at the ground. His heart thundered in his chest and he felt that sickness you get when you receive seriously bad news and have no idea what to say or do. He moved to sit down against the tree reaching out his hand for Bones who came over and nestled into his side.

"He's a dick" Dean said softly running a hand into his fur and glancing at the warm sun and blue sky not knowing what to do.

Castiel who had landed back in California pulled out his phone and groaned in distress.

"Damn" he hissed dialling his number and sighing in relief when he answered.

"Dean? Dean, answer me please" he pleaded when he was greeted by silence. "I wasn't ignoring you…I was upstairs and my phone was away from me"

Dean swallowed hard with a nod. "I thought you were ignoring me"

"I wasn't…I guess that little bit of trust has crumbled into dust?"

"No" Dean said with a sigh rubbing his forehead. "Cas, come back to California…please?"

"I can't, Dean, not just yet" he said hailing a cab and pressing his lips together. "I would not ignore you, not now"

"I freaked…I'm a child"

"No you're just human, Dean" he said indicating at the bags and sliding into the back.

"How far along are you now then?"

"One minute, Dean" he said covering the mouth piece and giving the cab driver the address and leaned back into the seat.

"Day by day, I'm nearly there though…just a few more boxes, the keys handing back, and then booking the flight"

"I wish I had come now"

"No need, I'll be there soon"

"How soon"

"Sooner than you think"

Dean frowned deeply looking over to Bones who cocked his head at him.

"So…you could come tomorrow?"

"If I wanted to" Castiel said looking out of the window. "I could come now if I wanted to as well"

"Stop torturing me" Dean warned standing up with a grunt and stretching out his back. "Long distance relationships don't work, Cas, we know this"

Castiel laughed softly keeping silent till he saw the street up ahead.

"Dean?"

"What?"

"Will you do me a huge favour?"

"What favour?"

Castiel thrust the money at the driver who eagerly accepted it and got out of the car getting his bags and everything along with it.

"Go outside for me, I need you to check something"

Dean raised an eyebrow walking past Bobby and Sam in the kitchen talking to the front door and opened it wide.

"What do you want me to do…" he said trailing off when he saw him stood on the garden path with a small smile.

"Me" he said simply and hanging up the phone. Dean let out the breath he was holding and darted forward shaking his head.

"You stupid, stupid, bastard" he hissed pulling him towards him and kissing him hard. Castiel responded trailing his hands into his hair keeping him in place as they kissed passionately under the burning sun. Castiel drew back staring into his eyes.

"Surprise" he breathed amused catching his cheek and smiling when Dean kissed him.

"That's why you didn't answer…you were 30, 000ft in the sky"

"Yes and I wanted it to be a surprise"

"This is everything?"

"Yes" Castiel said with a nod. "I may have told a few lies"

"Dick" Dean muttered bringing his hands down to his hips. Castiel closed his eyes when he was brought flush up against him and turned when the door opened revealing the four other family members watching them.

"Surprise" he said over to them with a breathless chuckle when Dean nuzzled his cheek bringing him closer. "It's just you and me now"

"God yes" Dean murmured with a nod. "Where are you going to live though?"

"Mom's for now and then…I don't honestly know" he said with a chuckle. "It's an amazing feeling"

"I'd ask you to live here but we're a full house"

"It's okay, Dean, I'm going to my mom's then we are going to that hotel again to reconnect in every way possible and then…we're going to plan our little future together" he said looking up at him. "What do you say about that?"

"Yeah" Dean said with a nod. "Why not"

Castiel smiled faintly when he tilted his chin up pressing a kiss against his lips softly.

"Get a room!" Jo shouted at them.

"We plan to!" he shouted back to her and gripped his hand. "We need to move now before I fuck you into the pavement"

Castiel looked down at the ground bemused and shrugged his shoulders when Dean dragged him and his luggage to the hotel.

**~0~0~0~**

Castiel gasped loudly arching into Dean as his third orgasm shuddered through him and he moaned ardently collapsing against his chest.

"Only you can make me come…three times in the space of an hour" Castiel panted holding up three fingers. Dean grinned wrapping him in his arms giving him an Eskimo kiss on the nose. Castiel smiled burying his face into his neck and resting there listening to his heart beat and his breathing soothe. They shifted lying together in the covers till Dean felt Castiel curl into him falling asleep. Dean smiled softly liking the way the change of events had brought him what he wanted.

"I love you" he whispered into his ear.

"Mm love you too" Castiel moaned resting in the crook of his neck.

Dean's mind involuntarily took him back to a simply memory that he had nearly forgotten and he shut his eyes thinking back six years ago.

_**~0~**_

It was three months into their relationship when Dean stole beer and they hid in Michael's tree house long abandoned by him. Dean lay against the cushions with Castiel's head on his stomach as they drank it back slowly.

"Dean?"

Dean hummed trailing his hands into his soft hair.

"We have to make sure we stay together for the rest of our lives"

"That's a long time, dude" Dean said softly.

"Dean!" Castiel said looking across him with a pout.

"Forever and forever" Dean said holding out his hand which he took and he dragged him up. Castiel smiled innocently when he held him close.

"Planning our futures already?"

"Yes" Castiel said with a giggle when they swayed and he covered his mouth. "If we fall out of here…we die"

Dean shook his head amused and stared into his eyes.

"I want a future with you, Cas, and I'm not about to let you go"

"Why?"

"Are you really going to make me say it?"

"Yes"

"Even though we're quite drunk"

"Yes!"

"I love you, Cas" Dean admitted with a blush. "I love my best friend far too much to let him go"

Castiel grinned wrapping his arms around him and kissing him hard pulling back.

"I always get my own way"

"You do"

"I love you, Dean, and I want to spend the rest of my life with you"

Dean stared at him not feeling doubt right now because he was young, they were both young, and planning a future back then that wouldn't happen. It happens a lot, you plan a future for yourself and another but it never quite works out the way you want to be. Life just isn't that simple anymore and sometimes it turns out in the most unexpected way possible.

_**~0~**_

Castiel opened his eyes hours later to see a light suite with Dean underneath him sleeping. He trailed his fingers down his face loving every feature in its own way and pulled back looking over to the balcony. His feet untangled themselves and he moved away padding towards the balcony throwing open the doors. Castiel breathed in that warm Californian weather that he loved and missed so much. His eyes roamed across the landscapes and the buzz, the animation, and the noise of the state hit him and he smiled.

Dean opened his eyes slowly missing the warm presence and pushed up on his elbow looking at the back of Castiel wearing only his t-shirt and nothing more.

"You are a naked man" Dean said walking over to him and wrapping his arms around his waist. "Why are you not in bed?"

"I was admiring the view" he said softly back. "I have always wanted to paint California like this…I guess now I can"

Dean hummed with a nod pressing his lips to his warm shoulder. Castiel turned in his arms looking into the eyes he loved so much.

"Here we are…six years later from when we parted…a lot of pain, suffering, heartbreak, and unnecessary hurt on both of our parts. I am never letting you go, Dean, and I know now if I had never come back I wouldn't have this and I wouldn't have you back in my life"

"I'm glad Jo and Sam forced me to go to that damn art gallery" Dean said honestly. "I need you…"

Castiel wrapped his arms around his neck pulling him into a tight hug feeling Dean's breath flutter the back of his hair till he pulled back hearing a familiar song.

"The one that got away" Dean said turning his head to look at him. "This is your song, baby"

"I came back though" he said softly humming the song under his breath.

"Don't you dare sing it!" Dean warned when he opened his mouth and Castiel laughed into his open mouth when he covered it with his own.

They kissed slowly enjoying every moment and hoping it wouldn't be the last. They were on the cusp of a future they had longed for since they were sixteen years old, drunk and planning a future they had no clue would be this hard. Castiel was the one that got away but so was Dean and it's showing love in a whole different light. It's not easy but it's never too hard, you just both have to work at it till you get what you want. Sometimes it's breaking hearts, lying, deceit, betrayal, and heartbreak but underneath that is an overwhelming love for one another that can't be ignored no matter how hard you try.

This rollercoaster was coming to an end and this time they were getting off together.

**A/N: I may do a future chapter…I don't know. I may leave it here. **

**I really do need to slow down on my fics. I have literally no ideas for a next one. I was thinking a regency fic but I don't know if I could write it properly! I'll be back though. **

**Enjoy and thank you for all the reviews, support, and the love. **


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